adcentrino
Jul 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'dependant on computers and technology' - past circumstances and major choice [7]
Hi bwang13,
Nice try, yet a lot of improvements can be made. "designing and building something out of nothing" is a great insight in your essay (actually I think it's the best one). Compared with your first 5 sentences ("Since I was a young boy, ...continues to grow at.", comparatively "normal" experience to most people), your experience with Scratch is much more unique, and I suggest you shorten the first 5 sentences to save space and elaborate on the Scratch experience. For example:
I clearly remember spending a lot of time out of class in middle school designing a game in a program called Scratch for my computer class.
How much time a day/week/month? (e.g. my entire summer vacation, 4 hours a day, every single lunch break, etc. Make it concrete.)
What was, Scratch? (e.g. What exact kinda game? About what? )
How you designed Scratch? (Any pleasantly detailed jargons? include 1-2 here to make your story more convincing=) )
Did you play it again and again? (I bet you did!)
Who else tried it? What's the feedback?
Although I did not realize it then, I really enjoyed designing and building something out of nothing.
Hmm...If you didn't realized back then, how did you actually enjoy? How did you enjoy, and why?
What's the thrilling part of it? Something like "The little green ball on the screen, too abstract to be called a game character, danced and hopped like an energetic avatar of me, full of energy and aspiration." You gotta convince someone who isn't familiar with CS that "Hey, you know what, designing a game is SOOO much fun!" You have to show your enthusiasm instead of telling.
Also, in terms of the closing part...
I believe the computer science program along with the abundant research and development opportunities at University of Illinois could really help me fulfill this goal.
Another sentence about "telling" instead of "showing". We won't mention a name just to vaguely say that "you are my good fit". Instead, when we refer to a specific name like UIUC, we should mention what exactly we anticipate of it, for example, faculties, programs, special courses & opportunities for students, etc.
In general, you've made a good start and the best thing is, you still have PLENTY of time to better your essay. You may try making it concrete as I've suggested, and do peer review for both versions--Good luck with your application!
Hi bwang13,
Nice try, yet a lot of improvements can be made. "designing and building something out of nothing" is a great insight in your essay (actually I think it's the best one). Compared with your first 5 sentences ("Since I was a young boy, ...continues to grow at.", comparatively "normal" experience to most people), your experience with Scratch is much more unique, and I suggest you shorten the first 5 sentences to save space and elaborate on the Scratch experience. For example:
I clearly remember spending a lot of time out of class in middle school designing a game in a program called Scratch for my computer class.
How much time a day/week/month? (e.g. my entire summer vacation, 4 hours a day, every single lunch break, etc. Make it concrete.)
What was, Scratch? (e.g. What exact kinda game? About what? )
How you designed Scratch? (Any pleasantly detailed jargons? include 1-2 here to make your story more convincing=) )
Did you play it again and again? (I bet you did!)
Who else tried it? What's the feedback?
Although I did not realize it then, I really enjoyed designing and building something out of nothing.
Hmm...If you didn't realized back then, how did you actually enjoy? How did you enjoy, and why?
What's the thrilling part of it? Something like "The little green ball on the screen, too abstract to be called a game character, danced and hopped like an energetic avatar of me, full of energy and aspiration." You gotta convince someone who isn't familiar with CS that "Hey, you know what, designing a game is SOOO much fun!" You have to show your enthusiasm instead of telling.
Also, in terms of the closing part...
I believe the computer science program along with the abundant research and development opportunities at University of Illinois could really help me fulfill this goal.
Another sentence about "telling" instead of "showing". We won't mention a name just to vaguely say that "you are my good fit". Instead, when we refer to a specific name like UIUC, we should mention what exactly we anticipate of it, for example, faculties, programs, special courses & opportunities for students, etc.
In general, you've made a good start and the best thing is, you still have PLENTY of time to better your essay. You may try making it concrete as I've suggested, and do peer review for both versions--Good luck with your application!
