Undergraduate / 'I felt free of expectations and condemnations' - Saint Mary's Supplement [4]

The ability to learn from one's disappointments is key to personal growth and success. Tell us about what you learned from a disappointment you experienced.

"If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them." Lev. 20:13

From the day I was born I have been spoon-feed the word of God. I took the beliefs of my parents willingly and without enthusiasm. All I could feel in a sermon was a powerful guilt gnawing at my conscious. I tried to love people in the way I was instructed to do so, yet I never felt as though I could live up to God's expectations of me. The only other person in my family who I could see felt likewise was my brother. When I was with him I felt free of expectations and condemnations. When my mother discovered his largest secret, his homosexuality, it was the greatest disappoint of my life. I was not disappointed in him; rather I was proud of him for embracing who he was. I was disappointed in my family and my religion for rejecting him and most of all; I was disappointed when he never came home.

I was twelve years old when I last spoke to him. Once my mother confronted him about his sexuality, he moved jobs, changed his home address, and cut off his phone lines. He felt it better to be forgotten by our family than to inevitably feel like a disappointment. Even if my parents were willing to accept him, he felt their beliefs would inhibit them from ever being proud of him. The truth was out and our family could never go back to pretending to be normal and united. I felt as though I had lost my only ally in an ultra-religious family. Years of prayers and faith did not bring him back.

Losing him had a tremendous influence on my beliefs and attitude toward religion. Firstly, I learned am in control of my own beliefs. It is up to me and only me which spiritual path I choose to take. I have since abandoned the beliefs of traditional Christianity in search of a belief system that is accepting of all people. I also learned that one core system of beliefs can be interpreted in a plethora of ways. New branches of the Christian church are now accepting people of all sexualities. I have become open to different religions and philosophies on life. Finally, I learned the power of misused religion to separate even the closest of people. As I go through life I intend to be respectful of others beliefs and cauitious in the way I use my own.