Writing Feedback / fatherhood and motherhood, IELTS writing task [4]

hi all , i'm new to this forum and i really admire and like its idea , the interactivity is so helpful ,,,
i intend to take an IELTS test soon so i'm preparing myself for it , its not an easy job i think , here's a writing task i found in one of the training books , i want you guys to evaluate it and correct it if possible , and maybe suggest me ways to improve my writing, and what band score would it take in IELTS scoring system ?? thank you very much

((( present a written argument or case to an educated reader with specialist knowledge of the following topic
Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
you should write at least 250 words)))

Undoubtedly parents play an essential role in their children's life. They're not only responsible for ensuring their physical requirements; such as food, clothing, and shelter, they also contribute in the construction of the unique and individual personalities of their children, as well as the development of their emotional and psychological well being

The concept of responsibility of bringing the children up, is different from one couple to another. Some parents chose to distribute tasks, so the man would be the bread winner, responsible for providing the financial cover for the house. The woman, on the other hand, is responsible for managing the house and raising up children, each of the parents is devoted to his task, and paying a lot of attention to improve his performance. However unfavorable consequences may rise, as the gap between the father and his family grows bigger. Less time is spent results in less interaction, and eventually the father gets detached from his children with a distorted picture of a father in their eyes

Other parents chose to share the responsibilities together. Both parents are probably working. The father co-operates with the mother in raising up their children. They both are there for the support, and the encouragement of their offspring .the father as well as the mother takes part in playing, teaching, and even spending quality time with their children. This will bring a close tight family and one happy child

Parents are always keen on finding thee most suitable means to raise well rounded individuals. I strongly believe that the father's role isn't less important or less effective than the mother's. Whenever I see a healthy child with bright radiant smile , I always think it's a reflection of the harmony and balance between both parents completing one another