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Posts by arsenal10
Joined: Apr 10, 2012
Last Post: Apr 12, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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arsenal10   
Apr 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / My toefl essay - If you could change one thing about your hometown, what would it be? [4]

Text in red color means change it to this.

Bangkok, being my hometown, is the heart of such development.

Thus, there are several kinds of the facilities established throughout the city for making people' lives convenient and better than ever before.

Sky train as well as the subway are some of the most significant examples.

We have had the fast communication system for several years ago. Re-write like this: We still have a fast communication system from several years ago.

DO NOT say this in your first paragraph: I am going to describe my reasons. remove it

Currently, even though my office is in downtown, I still have to use other modes public transport to reach the subway station because it is not nearby my home.

Therefore, I must walk several blocks until I ambeing at my office. It makes me incovenient. did you mean to say: This is inconvenient?

It is due to accurate time duration of subway transport ?

Glad to be of service, just fix those and you are good to go, pretty good essay.
arsenal10   
Apr 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'broken computer' statement: a life story and how it helped shape my character [5]

So I should say, blue screen of death and then specifiy that the black screen simply is the PC turning off? Also, I added a sentence to make things a bit more clearer before the last one, what do you think?

Through diligent work and perseverance and time, I was able to find out that there was something wrong with how my PC started windows from the hard drive. Using a recovery disc, I booted from the disc drive and fixed the boot manager. And before I knew it, my computer was back to life again.
arsenal10   
Apr 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I received the unfortunate news' admission essay explaining prior academic dismissal [6]

Alright, if you want an idea on how you should end it, make the last paragraph about the current times now, what do you do for a job? are youn still in school? how have you changed from what has happened previously in your life? Give some examples. These are merely suggestions, but that is what I would consider ending with.
arsenal10   
Apr 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'getting an education is very important' - Essay to attend a Summer program [5]

No, this is good what you have going here, from what I have read so far, you touch up on basically all of those topic you list, you just need to phrase some things better and exapnd on some things. For instance, you could expand on how you became interested in a health career, maybe write a short life story or describe how you got interested other than narrowing it down. But like I said, keep focusing on what you have, starting over can maybe help, but that depends on time.
arsenal10   
Apr 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'broken computer' statement: a life story and how it helped shape my character [5]

Alright, so I wrote this in about an hour or so, and just by reading it I am sure that a lot can be changed or expandded on. This personal statement essay is going to the University of Washington (Bothell campus). Have a look, its 553 words long, which is exactly at the range where it is supposed to be. I chose the second essay topic. Cheers.

Full essay instructions/prompt choices:

Choose one topic from below (500-650 words)
- Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.
- Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

Response:

My first broken computer, believe it or not, made a significant mark on my character and helped define it. How it happened was very simple: about 4 years one day I completely disregarded my PC and its problems that it had already and played games and completely worked with it until there it happened. A blue screen of death was displayed on the screen, a grim sign that the worst was about to happen. Then, much to my disbelief, everything went blank; a dark screen was staring at me. Now, this was not the first time that I got a blue screen that shows some kind of problem, because I usually find something around it, me being the techno geek that I am, I lacked a certain trait back then, diligence. I usually never panic but this time, I panicked. I panicked not because I feared that I would lose all of my files, but because I feared that my machine would never work again or boot up, and that was not convenient at all for me. Since I did not have a lot of money at the time to get a new machine or a laptop, I was forced to either fix this or wait until I had enough funds. But before I made a decision, before I did anything else at that moment when it died on me, I tried to switch it back on. My computer powered back on, but did not boot up and immediately a dark screen again starts back at me. This is the moment where it helps shape my character, as I did lack diligence and to keep solving my problem, I had to keep pushing for a solution which I eventually found through research efforts. Through diligent work and perseverance and time, I was able to find out that there was something wrong with how my PC started windows from the hard drive. And before I knew it, my computer was back to life again.

Although this story might not look as influential, but for me, it changed the way I think and work. This experience from my life helped shape my character because it taught me to be diligent and motivated as well as persevere through problems that seem almost impossible to solve. I believe that these traits that I gained were vital not only because they helped me in other life situations but also demonstrate a will to work out anything. For instance, when I used to play soccer, we were always against odds, but through working and keeping diligent we could always put out a result in the end, and that was the most important that mattered. Or in another example, I now program with Java and C# and HTML and there is never a day that passes by that an issue does not arise. Like when code does not work out or there is something wrong with how a program works when I code it, I never quit on it until I can pinpoint the cause and push forward. Before this experience, I would quit over issues like these and could not bother to try to attempt any effort towards it. However, since I learned to persevere through tough times, I could always expect something in the end, good or bad.
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