hadilp90
May 18, 2012
Scholarship / SOP for Applying International Merits Scholarship at University of XXXX - Feedback [4]
Thank you for your reviews.
Thank you for your reviews.
hadilp90
May 18, 2012
Scholarship / Need help with a scholarship essay 400 words only. Starting points? [3]
Are you applying scholarship in university of westminster ?
Are you applying scholarship in university of westminster ?
hadilp90
May 13, 2012
Graduate / (NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice) - Personal Statement [9]
There are plenty of ways how you start your essay, by telling stories, quotation, or etc... In this example, I try to use your past as the way to get attention. Furthermore, you have only 250 words to say which mean you need to focus on the question itself. This is a trick on essay like this, how many information you can put in your essay and whether it answers the question or not.
So in my suggestion, read the essay again and ask yourself whether it has answered the question or not, if you feel so that it should be good enough.
There are plenty of ways how you start your essay, by telling stories, quotation, or etc... In this example, I try to use your past as the way to get attention. Furthermore, you have only 250 words to say which mean you need to focus on the question itself. This is a trick on essay like this, how many information you can put in your essay and whether it answers the question or not.
So in my suggestion, read the essay again and ask yourself whether it has answered the question or not, if you feel so that it should be good enough.
hadilp90
May 13, 2012
Graduate / (NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice) - Personal Statement [9]
I think you can try to remove paragraph 1 and 2 since it's not really important. You can try to summarize the paragraph 3 and 4 since it is interconnected and throw unnecessary details. This is what I can summarize from your essay :
It begins when I was in the college, I enrolled as Pre-Med student. During that moment I focused more on mathematics causing a dilemmatic moment for me whether continuing as medic was right decision. This dilemmatic situation ended when I attended bachelor degree at local community college in which I found very interesting subject, epidemiology. This subject is mix between math and biology which allowing me to use my capability in maths and to still pursue my passion in medic. Thus this decision brings me to choose epidemiology as my graduate study.
In the future, I would like to work as epidemiologist for disease control. This is my dream job as it involves travelling to various places and working at the site of the outbreak to help the people affected by the epidemic. As an epidemiologist one can prevent millions of lives from being lost due to various pathogens, or control a prevailing epidemic from taking more lives. It is indeed a rewarding, albeit challenging job.
I am sure that by attending graduate study in Epidemiology at NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice, it will provide me with adequate knowledge, skills, experience and advancement in area of epidemiology which will be modal for my future career. Furthermore, with undergraduate background in mathematics and biology along with a good Liberal Arts education, I believe that I will be a good candidate for the MPH program in Epidemiology at NYMC.
Try to change the red color one, since it shows you are more for travelling than do your job as epidemiologist. By the way you still can elaborate the idea, I just give you a big picture of it.
Stick to how many word it limits, since it will be consideration if you excess the limit.
Wishing you luck for your application.
I think you can try to remove paragraph 1 and 2 since it's not really important. You can try to summarize the paragraph 3 and 4 since it is interconnected and throw unnecessary details. This is what I can summarize from your essay :
It begins when I was in the college, I enrolled as Pre-Med student. During that moment I focused more on mathematics causing a dilemmatic moment for me whether continuing as medic was right decision. This dilemmatic situation ended when I attended bachelor degree at local community college in which I found very interesting subject, epidemiology. This subject is mix between math and biology which allowing me to use my capability in maths and to still pursue my passion in medic. Thus this decision brings me to choose epidemiology as my graduate study.
In the future, I would like to work as epidemiologist for disease control. This is my dream job as it involves travelling to various places and working at the site of the outbreak to help the people affected by the epidemic. As an epidemiologist one can prevent millions of lives from being lost due to various pathogens, or control a prevailing epidemic from taking more lives. It is indeed a rewarding, albeit challenging job.
I am sure that by attending graduate study in Epidemiology at NYMC School of Health Sciences and Practice, it will provide me with adequate knowledge, skills, experience and advancement in area of epidemiology which will be modal for my future career. Furthermore, with undergraduate background in mathematics and biology along with a good Liberal Arts education, I believe that I will be a good candidate for the MPH program in Epidemiology at NYMC.
Try to change the red color one, since it shows you are more for travelling than do your job as epidemiologist. By the way you still can elaborate the idea, I just give you a big picture of it.
Stick to how many word it limits, since it will be consideration if you excess the limit.
Wishing you luck for your application.
hadilp90
May 11, 2012
Scholarship / Questions about writing a scholarship essay [7]
I think you should put about the sport quota on you essay thus the examiner will get the picture of who you are. Most of examiners would like to know who you are.
It is also an important part to write your inspiration so the examiners can idea who you have been motivated, but it does not the main center of the scholarship essay. The main center of scholarship essay is how you going to apply the knowledge that you have gotten to the development of your country/region and how it help on your future career. This is the most important parts. Lastly why you deserve for scholarship.
About the title, it is depend on your scholarship requirement but it is not mandatory. It is a very good idea to use quotation at the begining of your essay as it is a form of attention catcher.
I think you should put about the sport quota on you essay thus the examiner will get the picture of who you are. Most of examiners would like to know who you are.
It is also an important part to write your inspiration so the examiners can idea who you have been motivated, but it does not the main center of the scholarship essay. The main center of scholarship essay is how you going to apply the knowledge that you have gotten to the development of your country/region and how it help on your future career. This is the most important parts. Lastly why you deserve for scholarship.
About the title, it is depend on your scholarship requirement but it is not mandatory. It is a very good idea to use quotation at the begining of your essay as it is a form of attention catcher.
hadilp90
May 11, 2012
Scholarship / SOP for Applying International Merits Scholarship at University of XXXX - Feedback [4]
I am applying International Merits Scholarship at University of XXXX and I need somebody to revise my SOP.
The criteria for the SOP are :
-Should be no more than 400 words.
-How you meet the criteria
-What you expect to gain from the opportunity
-Reasons for taking the course
-Financial need and intentions upon returning to your country
-How you intend to use your experience and knowledge in the future
-What your long-term goals/plans are
Here is my SOP :
It back when I was in high school in which my passion in biology driven me to pursue medicine. Due to the high cost of tuition fees and lack of financial capability, resulted I was unable to enrol as medical student. As my aspiration, I wish that someday I have chance to be able to study in medical area.
Furthermore I am very thirsty of knowledge and I love reading books. I realized that end up in Bachelor Degree is not enough to enrich my knowledge. I need to get the higher degree of education which is Master Degree. Thus it was put my decision to pursue Msc. Medical Molecular Biology.
As born in West Nusa Tenggara, the eastern part of Indonesia, it less develops than western part of Indonesia in term of infrastructure, education as well as economic resulting I was financially unable to support for furthering my study. Furthermore, the lack of financial support from Indonesia government as well as high cost of education in Indonesia making the chance to furthering study become really small. Thus I really depend on private body for financially support for my study.
My passion in learning leads me to sharing my knowledge and experiences and dedicating my life for education to educate more people. Thus I decide to be a lecturer as my future career. The knowledge, skills and experiences I gain during furthering in study in Master degree blend with the excellence and quality of UK education will be very crucial modal for me in developing my future career. After finishing my study, I am going to be lecturer in my region, since it was less develop in education, thus providing them better education, as well as I am to share my experience that nothing impossible if we have passion and hardship. I also would like to propose to do voluntary work in education during my study to ensure that I gain adequate skills and experience in teaching which will be beneficial for my future career. Lastly, I have thought to build a charity body as my long term goal to provide funding for less fortunate people to get proper education so at least they can change their fate through education.
Thus by awarded this scholarship I will be able to fulfil my aspiration and realize my future career in order to educate more people.
Thank you very much for you review.
I am applying International Merits Scholarship at University of XXXX and I need somebody to revise my SOP.
The criteria for the SOP are :
-Should be no more than 400 words.
-How you meet the criteria
-What you expect to gain from the opportunity
-Reasons for taking the course
-Financial need and intentions upon returning to your country
-How you intend to use your experience and knowledge in the future
-What your long-term goals/plans are
Here is my SOP :
It back when I was in high school in which my passion in biology driven me to pursue medicine. Due to the high cost of tuition fees and lack of financial capability, resulted I was unable to enrol as medical student. As my aspiration, I wish that someday I have chance to be able to study in medical area.
Furthermore I am very thirsty of knowledge and I love reading books. I realized that end up in Bachelor Degree is not enough to enrich my knowledge. I need to get the higher degree of education which is Master Degree. Thus it was put my decision to pursue Msc. Medical Molecular Biology.
As born in West Nusa Tenggara, the eastern part of Indonesia, it less develops than western part of Indonesia in term of infrastructure, education as well as economic resulting I was financially unable to support for furthering my study. Furthermore, the lack of financial support from Indonesia government as well as high cost of education in Indonesia making the chance to furthering study become really small. Thus I really depend on private body for financially support for my study.
My passion in learning leads me to sharing my knowledge and experiences and dedicating my life for education to educate more people. Thus I decide to be a lecturer as my future career. The knowledge, skills and experiences I gain during furthering in study in Master degree blend with the excellence and quality of UK education will be very crucial modal for me in developing my future career. After finishing my study, I am going to be lecturer in my region, since it was less develop in education, thus providing them better education, as well as I am to share my experience that nothing impossible if we have passion and hardship. I also would like to propose to do voluntary work in education during my study to ensure that I gain adequate skills and experience in teaching which will be beneficial for my future career. Lastly, I have thought to build a charity body as my long term goal to provide funding for less fortunate people to get proper education so at least they can change their fate through education.
Thus by awarded this scholarship I will be able to fulfil my aspiration and realize my future career in order to educate more people.
Thank you very much for you review.
