Phineas
May 10, 2012
Scholarship / Nursing Scholarship of A Lifetime - Service and Need Based [2]
First, the positives. You structured your essay around the central theme of enthusiasm. Your experiences have brought you a profound sense of direction, which you articulate throughout the essay in different manners and examples. Someone who is pursuing a career in nursing will need that, therefore, nursing scholarships will be looking for this theme in submissions. I liked how you tied in the personal, medical event with your allergies and subsequent hospitalization. I liked how you stated that your desires have evolved within nursing. That shows the interests you've held can become more personalized as you find your niche within the framework of medicine, which is to be desired in a nurse - versatility. I suggest keeping these themes or expound upon them.
The negatives. Your sentences were difficult to read and at times felt disjointed. I do not have a Masters Degree in English, but there may be some syntax errors. Your paper comes across as a list of superlative vocabulary words that you designed your sentences around, for example:
"novitiate of the BSN" - novitiate is a word most used for someone who is beginning a religious studies program. I would say something more like, "first/second year student". I would also consider breaking this sentence into at least two sentences. You present three distinct subjects in this opening sentence. I would begin with who you are "... student at .... studying ... " Then "This would be a dynamic answer to ...."
"greatest initiative for servitude my community" - Wow. Where do I begin. Initiative is a noun, but you use it as a verb. "promotion of service within my community". The entire sentence is a run-on itself.I intend to go on to pursue a master's degree and become a nurse anesthetist or practitioner so as to expand the scope of my practice and achieve the greatest initiative for servitude my community . Should be revised to say something like: "I intend to pursue/matriculate a masters...to expand my skills further." Then continue the thought "To which end, I can.... my community".
That's a general theme in your essay. Look for sentences that carry on with two or more ideas/topics and break them down into a simpler sentence. My English professor always said that the smartest people use the fewest words to communicate their ideas.
Good Luck!
Benjamin
First, the positives. You structured your essay around the central theme of enthusiasm. Your experiences have brought you a profound sense of direction, which you articulate throughout the essay in different manners and examples. Someone who is pursuing a career in nursing will need that, therefore, nursing scholarships will be looking for this theme in submissions. I liked how you tied in the personal, medical event with your allergies and subsequent hospitalization. I liked how you stated that your desires have evolved within nursing. That shows the interests you've held can become more personalized as you find your niche within the framework of medicine, which is to be desired in a nurse - versatility. I suggest keeping these themes or expound upon them.
The negatives. Your sentences were difficult to read and at times felt disjointed. I do not have a Masters Degree in English, but there may be some syntax errors. Your paper comes across as a list of superlative vocabulary words that you designed your sentences around, for example:
"novitiate of the BSN" - novitiate is a word most used for someone who is beginning a religious studies program. I would say something more like, "first/second year student". I would also consider breaking this sentence into at least two sentences. You present three distinct subjects in this opening sentence. I would begin with who you are "... student at .... studying ... " Then "This would be a dynamic answer to ...."
"greatest initiative for servitude my community" - Wow. Where do I begin. Initiative is a noun, but you use it as a verb. "promotion of service within my community". The entire sentence is a run-on itself.
That's a general theme in your essay. Look for sentences that carry on with two or more ideas/topics and break them down into a simpler sentence. My English professor always said that the smartest people use the fewest words to communicate their ideas.
Good Luck!
Benjamin