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Posts by spiritprimer
Joined: Dec 23, 2008
Last Post: Dec 23, 2008
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 5
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Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay #2 (What your freshman roommate should know about you) [5]

so far i can only suggest editing the second paragraph where you talk about making up for a chemistry test and then suddenly jump to friendship. You should bridge the two topics together more smoothly.

For example, "For the next test, I would revise for days to compensate for the low marks from my previous assessment. This is comparable to my treatment of friendship; If I unintentionally hurt my friends.... "

this way its more clear that you are drawing a parallel between chemistry and friends

I also suggest explaining how good or bad a level 6 is compared to a perfect score.

Other than that I'd definitely want to be your roommate. You sound mature in terms of handling strained relationships and I'll get to have free food :)
Dec 23, 2008
Essays / How I contribute to Diversity? - scholarship essay; How do I begin this essay? [5]

Try taking a look at the minority percentages at your college, if you are a minority group. What i would do is something like this: if i see a college with something like 5% asian and I know some asian traditions then i can mention it like this. "After taking a look at your stats I noticed that...not a lot of asians....I can introduce this perspective..."
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Incomplete cornell - rich, famous.. doctor [5]

"I won't deny that I was quite brilliant in biology, but every now and then, because my father didn't understand, he would go back to his map to dust it off and sigh."

there's nothing before that that makes the "but" logical. You need something to evoke that "but". It seems like biology was not on your father's roadmap. I would suggest something like "...brilliant in biology, but I had other interests.

Additionally you said "I, like many sons before me, wanted to be a physicist. My father never understood" He was one of the sons before you who wanted to be a physicist so I don't get how he didn't understand.

Other than that, its pretty good. It has a strong introduction. I enjoyed the "road map" The brief conversation in the second paragraph where you were asking questions then answering them was cool.
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / 'I re-focused' - Stanford Short Essay #1 ( a sense of intellectual vitality) [8]

It would give me a better picture of the situation if you explained why there was a timer counting down. its obviously a test but then through some twist of logic it might as well be that you time yourself for homework and are going to turn in the blank page tomorrow morning.

Your last paragraph could use some more meat, did you learn something from this? tell me what was so intellectually engaging about it.
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Discussion: Candid or Safe? [3]

No ultimate answer is expected from this thread, just rational comparisons.

Safe View:
You don't know the face of your essay reader so don't use your natural style (if it's not-normal like cheeky). You don't know your reader's preferences so you need something more general that can be understood by all people. This is not a novel where your audience is coming to you, this is an essay where you are going to your audience.

Candid View:
Express your true self. Colleges are extremely erratic in their decisions; one year they want a particular type of student and the next year they want another type. Be yourself and if they need someone like you in the student body then they will pick you, it's basically a shot in the dark.

Please build upon these arguments if you feel that I haven't expressed the views enough.
maybe we should assume that essays from both views can completely convey the idea they are trying to get across.

Personal View: Candid
I feel uncomfortable with being someone other than me; its like a big fat lie. I just want to express myself in my own way and see what colleges think of me.
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