Undergraduate / A paragraph from cornell essay (the Cornell Engineering homepage) [3]

As I browsed through the Cornell Engineering homepage, I was drawn to the wealth of resources available. Through my tour, I learned about the Student Project Group, the Engineering Communications Program, and the Kessler Fellows Program. These programs assure me that if I become a Cornell undergraduate, I will be fully prepared for my future. Right now I feel like one of those particle accelerators that synthesize new substances by smashing atoms together. Indeed like the accelerators, I am ready to crush together all that is available at Cornell. From theoretical knowledge to hands on training, from communication skills to marketing strategies, I am ready to take in everything, to process it, and to bring into existence the novel and the miraculous. The Communication and Kessler Fellows Program ensure me success as a contributor beyond the classroom. The Student Project Group especially interests me, for it is through such program that the inventive brain gets fed; it is through such program that the community and the engineering quad come together to display the infinite possibilities in the field of engineering.

Unclear?

Undergraduate / a para from Cornell engineering essay vague? unclear? [4]

Engineering reminds me of the particle accelerators that crush atoms together to form extraordinary products. Put any two ideas or fields of study into these particle accelerators; crush them together, and the interdisciplinary character of the products that emerge will only be found within the field of engineering.

I have learned about the cell vesicles, and I wish to manipulate them to aid in drug delivery. I have learned about stroke, and I wish to apply my knowledge to cure the disease. Recently, I have fostered a new idea; I wish find a technique that poses less risk than the laser eye surgeries to correct myopic vision. I have learned about the major cause of myopia, and I wish to create a "biocompatible lens". I am a particle accelerator, ready to smash together my knowledge and my problem solving skills. However, at present, I lack the essential ingredients to create miraculous products. To invent the "biocompatible lens" I will need to know how to synthesize biomaterial. To realize my ideas I will need to do vigorous research. I know Cornell College of Engineering has the resources I need. I am delighted to find that the BME department at Cornell has six major research fields, and one of them involves the research of biomaterials. I hope that through taking advantage of the research facilities at Cornell, I can one day create the "biocompatible lens" that will be as easy to use as the contact lens, yet can integrate much better as part of our eyes.

these two paragraphs are not connect, just look at them individually i think they are really unclear
thanks in advance for advice

Undergraduate / A paragraph from my Northwestern essay too wordy? HELP [5]

It was difficult to tear myself away from these fantastic stories of reality, but as I continued to click and explore, I was drawn to other information. My virtual tour through McCormick has told me that the Biomedical Engineering here is indeed one of the best programs in the field. Through my tour, I discovered about McCormick's unique Engineering First Program, its affiliation programs, and its breadth of research opportunities. These traits assure me that if I become a McCormick student, I will not lack resources. I am especially interested in the Engineering First Program. I have long learned that the best way to succeed is to leap ahead in what I do; thereby, Engineering First draws me. I trust this program will give me a jump-start on my career by teaching me the real world of engineering early in my study.

any idea is welcome thanks

Undergraduate / Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science - NU essay [3]

I wish to study Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science. Browsing through the McCormick School web was an inspirational experience. The first headline I saw was "blowing water bubble at low gravity." The associated image enthralled me. Weren't the floating and amorphous liquids in the image a patent granted only to the fantastic, forbidden to and impossible in the reality?

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Undergraduate / My father said my essay sucked (Why Engineering? Why Cornell) [6]

Tell us about your interest or an idea in engineering, how will cornell help you?
Why Engineering? Why Cornell

Engineering reminds me of the particle accelerators that smash atoms together to make extraordinary products. If we put the Mathematics, the Sciences, the theoretical learning, and the hands-on training into these particle accelerators, the products will no doubt be engineering. Indeed I love engineering for its scope of skills and knowledge involved.

A competition held at the McMaster University in Canada stimulated my interest in the field. For the competition, I was asked to design an "arm holder" by using a hundred drinking straws and thirty pieces of tape. I was enthralled, for I found the project delightfully creative, and I sought inventive ways to do it. Before long, straws cut, bent, taped, and marked began to fly about in my room. I was engrossed in the joy of applying my knowledge to the hands-on problem.

I felt a unique force in this competition. For one thing it motivated me more than the Mathematics competitions. I loved math, but through this competition I found that, unlike a Math problem, an engineering problem had boundless solutions. Through the competition, I discovered that although I loved the knowledge taught to me in the classroom, my true interest lay in the application of this knowledge to turn daring ideas into reality.

And it turned out that my daring idea came quickly when I decided to find a way to cure myopia. I believe there is an easier way to resume perfect vision than through the laser eye surgeries. I, thereby, wish to major in bioengineering and minor in biomedical engineering. I believe that the key to cure myopia lies in the research of biomaterials, and I am delighted to discover that biomaterial is one of the six major research fields in the BME department of Cornell. I hope that one day, I can invent a "biocompatible lens" that will be as easy to use as the contact lens, but can integrate much better as part of our eyes. The wealth of research opportunities at Cornell will no doubt help me achieve my purpose.

As I browsed through the Cornell Engineering homepage, I was constantly drawn to the word "breadth". Indeed Cornell College of Engineering resembles a giant particle accelerator that lacks no ingredients. As I browsed through the web, I was caught by opportunities such as the Student Project Group in which the engineering quad and the community came together. As I picture myself at Cornell, either as a researcher, a Project Group member, or an intellectually engaged learner, I feel inspired and mentally renewed. I feel ready for the interdisciplinary approach of engineering. I cannot wait to get a big picture of engineering through the core-engineering courses offered at Cornell, then hone into my interest.

Although Biomedical Engineering is relatively young at Cornell, I can see Cornell quickly emerging as a leader of the field. The collaboration that Biomedical Engineering has established with institutions like the Weill Medical College assures me that if I do become a bioengineering student at Cornell, I will not lack resources and opportunities.

The particle accelerator has all the atomic components I want. Aim them at me with high energy, and I assure what emerges will be miraculous and original.

All ideas are welcome thanks