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Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science - NU essay


chuliuxiang 5 / 4  
Dec 26, 2008   #1
I wish to study Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science. Browsing through the McCormick School web was an inspirational experience. The first headline I saw was "blowing water bubble at low gravity." The associated image enthralled me. Weren't the floating and amorphous liquids in the image a patent granted only to the fantastic, forbidden to and impossible in the reality?

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EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Dec 26, 2008   #2
I wouldn't say really weird. Slightly weird, maybe. Often the sentence structures have a poetic quality to them that is quite admirable, but sometimes your word choices prevent the sentences from making as much sense as they could, though your overall meaning is usually clear enough. For instance, in the sentence "Weren't the floating and amorphous liquids in the image a patent granted only to the fantastic, forbidden to and impossible in the reality," you are asking if the liquids are patents, to which the answer is obviously not. Patents are pieces of paper that give someone the commercial right to produce something (which may or may not be a liquid). Also, the word "fantastic" doesn't quite work. The image might indeed have been of something fantastic, but patents are given either to people or to companies that may merely be wealthy enough to afford to fund good research facilities rather than being amazing in any significant sense.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Dec 27, 2008   #3
The revised version is definitely clearer. You could smooth out the grammar like this:

I wish to study Biomedical Engineering at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science. Browsing through the McCormick School web inspired me. The first headline I saw was "blowing water bubbles at low gravity," and the image of the floating water enthralled me; for a moment, I thought I had entered a fantasy. Then one after another, more discoveries and innovations introduced in the McCormick School web page began to bathe my mind in wonder. Carbon nanotubes, electronic devices that twist, terms familiar and strange, and many other ideas I had never conceived of began to transform my perception of what reality is. The infinite possibilities highlighted by the images on the screen in front of me confirmed the truth of mankind's boldest belief, that nothing is impossible.


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