Laura_twilight
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An image of American life' - COMMON APP main [3]
Thank you so much for your advice :) that is pretty cool!
Thank you so much for your advice :) that is pretty cool!
Laura_twilight
Oct 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An image of American life' - COMMON APP main [3]
Taking a deep breath, I plastered a smile on my face, quickly stepped forward, handed the donation form to the cheerful store clerk, and explained my cause. Her sweet expression turned sour when I uttered the word "donation." The cold answer, "No, we don't do that," left my heart thumping with disappointment once again. For weeks I had been asking for money from what felt like half of the county's businesses as I attempted to secure funds to pay for a mandatory choir tour far beyond my family's budget. Alas, however hard I worked, I did not receive a single dime and I was on the brink of giving up.
When I dragged myself home from fundraising, my mother was already anxiously awaiting my arrival outside our one-bedroom apartment. She greeted me with the aroma of fried potstickers, but I had no appetite.
"How was it?" mother asked with concern and a touch of guilt.
"Not that bad," I muttered, not wanting my mom to feel "that bad."
That night, I could not fall asleep. Lying in bed, my thoughts flashed back to only two years ago when I had left China. Peeping out of the car window, gazing at the grand houses surrounded by unbelievable greenery, and gasping at the huge sky so stunningly clear and blue, I longed for a fairy-tale life in this land of opportunities.
Such an image of American life was soon shattered as time revealed that living here is often arduous and lonely. My mother's delicate health did not permit her to work full-time. My father, therefore, bore the pressure of supporting us three. Broken English became a handicap for him as he struggled to find a job. My parents' once-happy union became anything but united as they argued more frequently. To ward off my parents' worries and concerns, I engrossed myself in my music. Whenever arguments were raised, I would put on my headphones and let the music sooth my nerves, drowning myself in the passionate rhythms. At school, loneliness characterized my life. Peering into the mirror, I saw a girl with short hair, slanted eyes, and a foreign accent. She was so utterly different from the blond haired, big-eyed girls surrounding her every day. In order to blend in, I filled my day to the brim with part-time jobs, choir practice, community service, and club activities. Forgoing sleep in order to make more time for studying, I held firm and ended sophomore year at the top of my class. A gush of tears welled up in my throat when I reflected upon my year.
Eventually, my father found a job. Although the pay was minimal, his daily labor kindled our family's hopes of better days. Reflecting upon my fundraising experience, I became aware that, like my father who faced relentless rejections when finding a job, I ought to push myself to my boundaries and endure all the rejections in the world to realize my own dream of singing in choir. For a long time, I had been eagerly pursuing my passion for choir even as an amateur singer. To be sure, my beginning was fraught with difficulties as I had never received any formal vocal training from a teacher; therefore, I quickly enrolled in my own choir boot camp, asking my peers to correct me when out of tune, practicing Italian Art Songs while doing chores, and listening to pitches on my way to school. The memory of opening up the mail box and spotting the mail from the Honor Choir and All-State Choir is still vivid. Tearing open the envelope, I clenched my hand and shouted out a "Yes!" as I noted the boldly printed words, "Congratulations Yuanyuan." At that moment, I knew my efforts had not proven futile. Now I just had to pay for the mandatory trip.
Early the next day, I set out once again with my fundraising goal in mind. When I opened the doorknob to a small fitness center and addressed the store owner, the response that flowed out of her mouth was what I had been waiting for for months. "Sure, I would love to help." Holding my first check firmly in my hands, I hugged the lady tightly and let out tears of joy. Through my persistence, I received more aid from the community. One shop owner found an alternative way of helping me out--she hired me. Through this job, I not only got the funding for my choir tour, but also got the chance to pay back my community.
Taking a deep breath, I smiled as I got ready for a new day at work, knowing I was earning money for my future.
Taking a deep breath, I plastered a smile on my face, quickly stepped forward, handed the donation form to the cheerful store clerk, and explained my cause. Her sweet expression turned sour when I uttered the word "donation." The cold answer, "No, we don't do that," left my heart thumping with disappointment once again. For weeks I had been asking for money from what felt like half of the county's businesses as I attempted to secure funds to pay for a mandatory choir tour far beyond my family's budget. Alas, however hard I worked, I did not receive a single dime and I was on the brink of giving up.
When I dragged myself home from fundraising, my mother was already anxiously awaiting my arrival outside our one-bedroom apartment. She greeted me with the aroma of fried potstickers, but I had no appetite.
"How was it?" mother asked with concern and a touch of guilt.
"Not that bad," I muttered, not wanting my mom to feel "that bad."
That night, I could not fall asleep. Lying in bed, my thoughts flashed back to only two years ago when I had left China. Peeping out of the car window, gazing at the grand houses surrounded by unbelievable greenery, and gasping at the huge sky so stunningly clear and blue, I longed for a fairy-tale life in this land of opportunities.
Such an image of American life was soon shattered as time revealed that living here is often arduous and lonely. My mother's delicate health did not permit her to work full-time. My father, therefore, bore the pressure of supporting us three. Broken English became a handicap for him as he struggled to find a job. My parents' once-happy union became anything but united as they argued more frequently. To ward off my parents' worries and concerns, I engrossed myself in my music. Whenever arguments were raised, I would put on my headphones and let the music sooth my nerves, drowning myself in the passionate rhythms. At school, loneliness characterized my life. Peering into the mirror, I saw a girl with short hair, slanted eyes, and a foreign accent. She was so utterly different from the blond haired, big-eyed girls surrounding her every day. In order to blend in, I filled my day to the brim with part-time jobs, choir practice, community service, and club activities. Forgoing sleep in order to make more time for studying, I held firm and ended sophomore year at the top of my class. A gush of tears welled up in my throat when I reflected upon my year.
Eventually, my father found a job. Although the pay was minimal, his daily labor kindled our family's hopes of better days. Reflecting upon my fundraising experience, I became aware that, like my father who faced relentless rejections when finding a job, I ought to push myself to my boundaries and endure all the rejections in the world to realize my own dream of singing in choir. For a long time, I had been eagerly pursuing my passion for choir even as an amateur singer. To be sure, my beginning was fraught with difficulties as I had never received any formal vocal training from a teacher; therefore, I quickly enrolled in my own choir boot camp, asking my peers to correct me when out of tune, practicing Italian Art Songs while doing chores, and listening to pitches on my way to school. The memory of opening up the mail box and spotting the mail from the Honor Choir and All-State Choir is still vivid. Tearing open the envelope, I clenched my hand and shouted out a "Yes!" as I noted the boldly printed words, "Congratulations Yuanyuan." At that moment, I knew my efforts had not proven futile. Now I just had to pay for the mandatory trip.
Early the next day, I set out once again with my fundraising goal in mind. When I opened the doorknob to a small fitness center and addressed the store owner, the response that flowed out of her mouth was what I had been waiting for for months. "Sure, I would love to help." Holding my first check firmly in my hands, I hugged the lady tightly and let out tears of joy. Through my persistence, I received more aid from the community. One shop owner found an alternative way of helping me out--she hired me. Through this job, I not only got the funding for my choir tour, but also got the chance to pay back my community.
Taking a deep breath, I smiled as I got ready for a new day at work, knowing I was earning money for my future.
Laura_twilight
Jul 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'bustling city life - piano' - Questbrdge National College Match [3]
Prompt: "We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic success. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?" (800 words)
From the very first moment I sat on the piano bench and touched the black-and-white keys, I instantly felt in my heart that my future would be irretrievably bonded to this magical instrument.
Growing up in a city, I enjoy the irresistible chaos of a bustling city life: hucksters crying above the traffic noise along the street and the garish neon light beaconing the sky until midnight. he metropolitan setting changed the mode when my family moved to the United States two years ago and rented an one-bedroom apartment in the city of Poway, a quiet place with virtually no sound made at night besides the chirping of crickets and the croaking of frogs. How many nights I quietly lay on the carpet floor, contemplating how lonely in this new land I was. As time cycled on, more problems arose. My parents were forced to start their lives from scratch. My once amicable dad grew grumpy as he struggled to find a job; my parents' once happy union became anything but united as they argued more frequently. In these trying situations, I began to confine myself in my own world. Due to our tight budget, I went without the piano that had accompanied me for over ten years. I missed it desperately and struggled to let go of my depression without it. However, this bleak moment turned out to be valuable as I seized an outlet for my musical pursuits through choir.
Being selected into Women's Ensemble helped me regain self-esteem. Despite the fact, I independently took on challenges, fully embracing "carpe diem". Serious progression in singing didn't happen overnight, and I soon enlisted in my own choir training boot camp: utilizing every second that I could find to practice, listening to different pitches on my way to school, and asking my peers to correct me when I was out of tune. I cannot remember how many days I got out of bed while the world was still asleep, and started practicing "Oh Wha-T-Beautiful-Day" until my lips dried up. Moreover, the heavy workload from school, and the responsibilities I shouldered at home such as helping my parents pay bills or accompanying Dad to the auto-shop as an interpreter did not stop my daily regimen. Problems had a way of staying around, changing their shape but retaining their complexity. Attending choir was expensive. How could I turn to my parents who were also struggling to earn a living for the family? I meticulously counted the money that I earned from tutoring and cafeteria job; however, saving alone was not enough. To finance my passion, I turned to my community for help. I went from door to local stories trying to persuade the owners to help me pay the fee by placing an advertisement into program. Some showed willingness to help, but failed to keep promises; others displayed outright contempt, rolling their eyes and coldly saying they were not interested. After toiling around what felt like half of the county's businesses, I finally got some owners' contributions; although they were not a lot, I still deeply appreciated their efforts and generosity.
Meanwhile, one of the business owners, an amiable lady, found an alternative way of helping me out: she hired me. Through this job, I not only got what I needed, but also paid back to the community. My neighbors, Aunt Aida and Rose, realizing my concerns, aided me with money by offering me a kitchen-cleaning job despite their tight budget.
Over a year of training, my journey with vocal music became immensely agreeable as my skills honed and loneliness vanished. Singing in front of thousands of people on stage, as I unraveled the melody with the ensemble, has brought me contentment; music has transported me to another realm in which I am filled with enthusiasm and positive energy. I have to give credit to my journey with vocal music. It is because of choir experience that I found my passion, made my most precious friends, and discovered the helpful hands in our society, without which I could not easily live my dream. As a low-income student, I fervently aspire to found my own organization where I can raise money to help other disadvantaged students realize their dreams in college.That's why I have just started opening up a web store as a charity, where I sell the antiques that I collected from weekend estate sell in an effort to make some profits from that, so I will be able to donate them to those children. I hope more people can join my cause, so we can successfully benefit the lives of others.
Prompt: "We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic success. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?" (800 words)
From the very first moment I sat on the piano bench and touched the black-and-white keys, I instantly felt in my heart that my future would be irretrievably bonded to this magical instrument.
Growing up in a city, I enjoy the irresistible chaos of a bustling city life: hucksters crying above the traffic noise along the street and the garish neon light beaconing the sky until midnight. he metropolitan setting changed the mode when my family moved to the United States two years ago and rented an one-bedroom apartment in the city of Poway, a quiet place with virtually no sound made at night besides the chirping of crickets and the croaking of frogs. How many nights I quietly lay on the carpet floor, contemplating how lonely in this new land I was. As time cycled on, more problems arose. My parents were forced to start their lives from scratch. My once amicable dad grew grumpy as he struggled to find a job; my parents' once happy union became anything but united as they argued more frequently. In these trying situations, I began to confine myself in my own world. Due to our tight budget, I went without the piano that had accompanied me for over ten years. I missed it desperately and struggled to let go of my depression without it. However, this bleak moment turned out to be valuable as I seized an outlet for my musical pursuits through choir.
Being selected into Women's Ensemble helped me regain self-esteem. Despite the fact, I independently took on challenges, fully embracing "carpe diem". Serious progression in singing didn't happen overnight, and I soon enlisted in my own choir training boot camp: utilizing every second that I could find to practice, listening to different pitches on my way to school, and asking my peers to correct me when I was out of tune. I cannot remember how many days I got out of bed while the world was still asleep, and started practicing "Oh Wha-T-Beautiful-Day" until my lips dried up. Moreover, the heavy workload from school, and the responsibilities I shouldered at home such as helping my parents pay bills or accompanying Dad to the auto-shop as an interpreter did not stop my daily regimen. Problems had a way of staying around, changing their shape but retaining their complexity. Attending choir was expensive. How could I turn to my parents who were also struggling to earn a living for the family? I meticulously counted the money that I earned from tutoring and cafeteria job; however, saving alone was not enough. To finance my passion, I turned to my community for help. I went from door to local stories trying to persuade the owners to help me pay the fee by placing an advertisement into program. Some showed willingness to help, but failed to keep promises; others displayed outright contempt, rolling their eyes and coldly saying they were not interested. After toiling around what felt like half of the county's businesses, I finally got some owners' contributions; although they were not a lot, I still deeply appreciated their efforts and generosity.
Meanwhile, one of the business owners, an amiable lady, found an alternative way of helping me out: she hired me. Through this job, I not only got what I needed, but also paid back to the community. My neighbors, Aunt Aida and Rose, realizing my concerns, aided me with money by offering me a kitchen-cleaning job despite their tight budget.
Over a year of training, my journey with vocal music became immensely agreeable as my skills honed and loneliness vanished. Singing in front of thousands of people on stage, as I unraveled the melody with the ensemble, has brought me contentment; music has transported me to another realm in which I am filled with enthusiasm and positive energy. I have to give credit to my journey with vocal music. It is because of choir experience that I found my passion, made my most precious friends, and discovered the helpful hands in our society, without which I could not easily live my dream. As a low-income student, I fervently aspire to found my own organization where I can raise money to help other disadvantaged students realize their dreams in college.That's why I have just started opening up a web store as a charity, where I sell the antiques that I collected from weekend estate sell in an effort to make some profits from that, so I will be able to donate them to those children. I hope more people can join my cause, so we can successfully benefit the lives of others.
Laura_twilight
Jul 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'endorsement and encouragement' - evaluating my significant experience [2]
Over the past few years, not only have I grown physically, but grown to be more tolerant and goal-driven. I embarked on a foreign land late in my teens, influenced by my will to succeed in life. It was during my first year in junior high, when I got infatuated about studying abroad. In my own perspective, I started to view Korean education as a process of memorization, circumscribing and limiting my full potential. I disliked not only the standardized system of education, but also the enforcement of passive and elusive thinking. Majority of the studentshad indifference are indifferent, toward such an education, but I wanted a liberal education, where self-exploration and free expression are valued. Therefore, I had a serious conversation with my father whom I respected for all the adversities he overcame to make his IT company be listed on KOSDAQ.you may elaborate on what it is His advice and direction were critical in formulating my decision to study abroad, and he told me that mistakes and failures were part of the equation for future success.
His fullendorsement and encouragement lead me to make the transition to Canada in 1[/s one month. Back then, my innocent and inexperienced self did not know the true meaning of suffering and imminent obstacles and hardship. When I entered the Canadian School, not only was I excited about studying in a place where I had never been, but eager to fulfill my goals; first goal being accepted to a university that will ensure my future. However, unsolvable problems started to overwhelm me one by one. No one spoke any Korean to help me with the basic needs and foreign students seemed ignorant and indifferent to any of the sign languages given to communicate with them. I eventually became isolated from school and society. The hardest part about living day by day was not the workload from school, but the isolation and indifference from teachers, students and relatives. After bearing the isolation for one year, I called my father earnestly to discuss about my dilemma situations, and he immediately suggested me to come back to Korea to attend an International school.
I appreciated living in a place where I was familiar with, but different hardship had to be again tackled as I entered International school in Korea. Since I had only been to a foreign land for one year, I lacked the fundamentals knowledge of speaking and writing in E nglish. English was a primary language for many students in the school, and their PSAT scores were nearly perfect. In order to compete with them, I had to memorize five hundred words per day, repeatedly for the last three years. These words traveled around everywhere I went, to the bathroom, bus, subway, until I was able to utilize them in my daily life. Eventually, the memorization of words made me to overcome the intellectual gap betweenme and the other students the other students and me. In addition, as I accomplished this achievement, not only my writing skills improved, but also my communication skills escalated . I mean your syntax pretty much doesn't change (you used to much "not only...but also")
However, among all these accomplishments, the most important fulfillment that I made was finding my distinct path, a path that would lead me to success. Back in the past few years, I did not know the true purpose of enduring particular pains, and I easily renounced to do things that I had to suffer. But by realizing my true dream, becoming a IT CEO, my personality and my posture started to change. I began to think and act differently toward hardships. My ignorant and depressive thinking toward any adversities changed into cheerful and optimistic mind, and my passive and dispassionate behaviors toward them shifted into vivacious actions. From now on, I will never give up on any adversities, hardship and sufferings, to become what I want be, just like what my father have achieved.
You are using too many big words; I mean sometimes those big words may backfire during the admission process. Simple words can always convey the same meanings too
Your hardship is apparently evident, and you may "tell" more. "Show, don't tell"
But you've done a good job anyway
Over the past few years, not only have I grown physically, but grown to be more tolerant and goal-driven. I embarked on a foreign land late in my teens, influenced by my will to succeed in life. It was during my first year in junior high, when I got infatuated about studying abroad. In my own perspective, I started to view Korean education as a process of memorization, circumscribing and limiting my full potential. I disliked not only the standardized system of education, but also the enforcement of passive and elusive thinking. Majority of the students
His full
I appreciated living in a place where I was familiar with, but different hardship had to be again tackled as I entered International school in Korea. Since I had only been to a foreign land for one year, I lacked the fundamentals knowledge of speaking and writing in E nglish. English was a primary language for many students in the school, and their PSAT scores were nearly perfect. In order to compete with them, I had to memorize five hundred words per day, repeatedly for the last three years. These words traveled around everywhere I went, to the bathroom, bus, subway, until I was able to utilize them in my daily life. Eventually, the memorization of words made me to overcome the intellectual gap between
However, among all these accomplishments, the most important fulfillment that I made was finding my distinct path, a path that would lead me to success. Back in the past few years, I did not know the true purpose of enduring particular pains, and I easily renounced to do things that I had to suffer. But by realizing my true dream, becoming a IT CEO, my personality and my posture started to change. I began to think and act differently toward hardships. My ignorant and depressive thinking toward any adversities changed into cheerful and optimistic mind, and my passive and dispassionate behaviors toward them shifted into vivacious actions. From now on, I will never give up on any adversities, hardship and sufferings, to become what I want be, just like what my father have achieved.
You are using too many big words; I mean sometimes those big words may backfire during the admission process. Simple words can always convey the same meanings too
Your hardship is apparently evident, and you may "tell" more. "Show, don't tell"
But you've done a good job anyway
Laura_twilight
Jul 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I love eating food and finance' - roommate essay, babson supplement [5]
Dear Roommate,
I would like to start by saying, that I am very exited to meet you! Before I start telling you about myself first, I would like to congratulate you for being accepted into the extremely prestigious college and extraordinary community of Babson Collegetoo .
I would like to share a few things about me.
First of all, I love eating food. Eating is my favorite hobby and since I believe that my tastes buds are developed, I am comfortable in eating all types of cuisines.so So I am sure that we can together eat food eat food together, which we may both enjoy. I am an early morning person; so don't be surprised if I wake you up early in the morning. In addition I try to keep things organized, but I just cant can not keep my closet organized, so don't get angry if our room is always messed up messy. As far academics are concerned, economics and finance are my favorite subjects, and I am also somewhat of a multi-lingual person as I can speak in four different languages; English, Spanish, German and Hindi.
My major in Babson College is going to be finance as I have a deep love for investing into ventures and securities andwould will love to know and explore this industry.
Babson has always been on the top of my list because of the extremely prestigious business education it can offer me. What I am looking forward to the most at Babson College are the relationships I will establish with you, my peers, and my teachers. These relationships will not only allow me to open new doors of opportunity but it will also help me to better understand the world.
I am really excited and I look forward to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Shreyansh
I liked it. You wrote about your interests, and other personal things that are important for your roommates to know which are good. However, I think you can vary your sentence structure a little bit more, since it is very much the same syntax right now.
Dear Roommate,
I would like to start by saying, that I am very exited to meet you! Before I start telling you about myself first, I would like to congratulate you for being accepted into the extremely prestigious college and extraordinary community of Babson Collegetoo .
I would like to share a few things about me.
First of all, I love eating food. Eating is my favorite hobby and since I believe that my tastes buds are developed, I am comfortable in eating all types of cuisines.
My major in Babson College is going to be finance as I have a deep love for investing into ventures and securities and
Babson has always been on the top of my list because of the extremely prestigious business education it can offer me. What I am looking forward to the most at Babson College are the relationships I will establish with you, my peers, and my teachers. These relationships will not only allow me to open new doors of opportunity but it will also help me to better understand the world.
I am really excited and I look forward to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Shreyansh
I liked it. You wrote about your interests, and other personal things that are important for your roommates to know which are good. However, I think you can vary your sentence structure a little bit more, since it is very much the same syntax right now.
Laura_twilight
Jul 6, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]
Kevin, Nicely done.
I enjoyed reading your second prompt.
Even though depression may not be a great thing to write about for your college admission essays, you still managed to make the essay so personal that the readers can be more emphatic, and see through the real person you are.
Anyway, good job! I like your new attitude toward life,and your future !!!!
Kevin, Nicely done.
I enjoyed reading your second prompt.
Even though depression may not be a great thing to write about for your college admission essays, you still managed to make the essay so personal that the readers can be more emphatic, and see through the real person you are.
Anyway, good job! I like your new attitude toward life,and your future !!!!
