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Posts by alexis2012
Joined: Aug 2, 2012
Last Post: Aug 13, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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alexis2012   
Aug 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'killing two birds...' - How I overcame financial difficulty over my life [4]

The concept of your paragraph is strong, however, the paragraph needs to be revised entirely. First thing,your introduction mention a stat that deals with the businessmen of the world. Why not mention a stat about the percentage of businessmen that came out of poverty in the U.S.? After that continue to give supporting facts on that stat. In the second paragraph, go into detail about why you chose to adopt a family and your experience. Be very detailed, this will give your reader a good insight on the severity of poverished families. In a fourth paragraph, you can talk how you felt after leaving and how that changed your thought on life (if it had any effect). Lastly, in the conclusion reiteriate everything that was said in the previous paragraphs and add a stat, or quote, or just something interesting. Hopefully this shine some light. Good Luck!!
alexis2012   
Aug 8, 2012
Graduate / 'when I started doing CrossFit' - PTCAS physical therapy school personal statement [4]

Your introduction is too informal. Your concept for the introduction is good, however more detail of why you didnt chose another profession or do a brief comparison between PT and other health care professions would be more powerful and interesting to read. Your two middle passages are excellent!! They give outstanding details of why you chosed PT as your desire profession and also the influences that continue you to be motivated about PT. Your conclusion is a little "bland". You should reiterate what you said from the intro into your conclusion to give a cohensive effect. Also, using less characteristics in the first sentence in the conclusion. Hopefully, I shined a little light on your paper. Good Luck!!
alexis2012   
Aug 8, 2012
Graduate / 'the renewable energy field' - SOP for renewable energy master [2]

This paper sounds good. However, the introduction is quite wordy. "; though due to its energy ..." Instead of using though, the term however is more cohensive. Instead of using semicolons so much, just start a new sentence. Also, exclude putting your scholar achievements in your personal statement. Your resume or CV will displayed that information. Hopefully, I shine a little light on your paper. Good Luck!!
alexis2012   
Aug 2, 2012
Graduate / 'emerging issues that affect the world' - Personal Statement Draft for MPH [6]

Hi, I am applying for a MPH program and I need some feedback on a personal statement that I have written. Here is my story:

Somewhere in the world, there are little children falling ill and unfortunately dying due to an unknown parasite that is drastically crumbling their immune system. Elsewhere in the world there is a race of people who is perishing from an unknown virus that may very well be caused by a contaminated water source. Here, in my portion of the world, mental illness is an issue that is overlooked and even sadly still considered taboo. From detecting harmful viruses to increasing public awarness about mental health, public health focuses on the whole community to ensure and provide mankind with the necessities that are essential to maintaining a health society. That focus along with other drastic changes in my life would lead me into the world of public health.

Every since I can rememeber, I found joy in helping others.Anyone that needed my assistance whether it was my parents, aunts,uncles or neighbors, I was there to offer a helping hand. One day, at a doctor's appointment for my little sister, I was astound at this lady that came in and check my little sister's temperature, weight, and height. She was so nice and very good at what she was doing. Being my curious self, I sparked a conversation with the lady and and to my inquiries, she was a nurse. She explained to me what it was and from the age of 5, I knew that I wanted to become a nurse. So throughout junior high and high school,I prepared myself to become a nurse.I took classes that offer me insight into the profession, read medical magazines, and began to talk to those in the nursing profession. I was ready to take on this career path.

As the years of my life progressed, so did many illnesses in my family did.When my sister was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I didn't quite understand how she could fall ill to this mental disease. I knew that a great grandmother, two aunts and a cousin had suffered from it, however I was still naive to the fact. I did some research and was deeply suprised at the statistics that I saw. From that moment, I knew that I wanted to become involve in helping those that were victims to mental illness. I began searching for careers that would allow me to do that. While seating in my Microbiology class one day, my professor lectured about careers that were of relevance to the chapter we were studying. Epidemiology was the second career to show up on the screen. A brief description was given about the occupation, but that wasn't enough for me. I needed more information about epidemiology and I seeked to find it. After carefully researching epidemiology, I knew that this is what I wanted to do and that this field would send me in the path of helping others and communities.

As a biology major, considering a study in epidemiology falls perfectly into place with what I want to accomplish. My passion to get out and help find cures, treatments, and increase awareness about various issues that may plague humanity is a priority. Coming from a rural area in central Alabama, there is not enough of anything. Too many residents go untreated for various health-related issues. I find that unacceptable. My overall plan is to help protect the human race, increase awareness on several health issues through various incentives, including a non-profit organization,programs and community involvement.

On a daily basis, there are emerging issues that affect the world, seen and unseen.It is up to those individuals that have the experience and passion to assist those that are unable. I often look at my younger sister and at times is overwhelmed by her inability to live life like a normal young adult. Around a month ago, an aunt proposed a question to me "if you want to do more about your Alyce's (my sister) illness, why not become a psychiatrist or a psychologist?". I replied, "I thought about it; but why help one person at a time, when I can collectively help a community". I know that I have the desire and dedication to be a revolutionary individual in public health. With the skills and lessons I can obtain from University of Alabama-Birmingham School of Public Health, there is not a single doubt in my mind that this can not be achieve. The day is today and the time is now for people to live wonderful lives and I want to be a contributor to that experience.
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