Posts by dixiej

dixiej

Aug 31, 2012

Undergraduate / 'hours, days and months - A Day in the Year of 2045' - Common App Essay [3]

I must say that the way you describe your breakfast would make no one anxious for it. Perhaps modify this? Otherwise, very creative.

dixiej

Aug 23, 2012

Undergraduate / Common app 4: The Emerald Outcast of Oz [3]

and introversion - believe this is redundant
have I ==> I have
never seen "hamper down" used like that
don't believe you want to end the first sentance of the last paragraph with a preposition - reword
Just curious, has her influence changed you for good (as in finally) or for the good (as in better)

Above notwithstanding, I like your essay

dixiej

Aug 22, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App Long Essay about immigration and global community [7]

How about, I looked out the window and saw nothing but a broad expanse of ocean as the pilot announced we were at 30,000'

dixiej

Aug 22, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App Long Essay about immigration and global community [7]

Sentence seems kind of long: A few hours earlier, I was in India playing outside with my cousins when my mom told me to pack my things because we were headed to the United States to live with my dad

Redundant: Would I make new friends?

The differences between India and New Jersey were stark~~. These images~~, and the contrast did nothing to calm my nerves. For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.

maybe it was naïve of me to expect that my life here would be the same as in India. reading the earlier paragraphs it would seem that you did not expect it to be the same

Might want to explore how you benefitted from multiculturalism other than food (although this is fine). Perhaps the unique insights afforded by members of other cultures? Specific examples?

Build to a stronger finish.

dixiej

Aug 22, 2012

Writing Feedback / GRE: Is communism better than capitalism? [3]

It is a good start. At this point, I would give it a 4. Some of my comments-

communist countries...leads that advocates

in order to add clarity, might want to add, quality of labor is compromised for quality

the economy

You have not said why the rate of production will decrease. It is the yield per employee that will decrease due to the lack of optimization of the labor pool. Less economic output per person will lead to a lower country-wide GDP, with the end result being a lower standard of living for the individual worker. In contrast, capitalism allows for a mobile labor pool where, in theory, job openings and labor skills are matched. This efficient use of human capital helps the economy to flourish, improving the standards of living for all.

In the next paragraph (political indoctrination). Might want to talk about how a free press is not available, but more necessary, in a communist society. The governmet allocates the resources as it sees fit, with no other entity or group to keep an eye on them. The average citizen must depend on the altruism of the country's leadership.

dixiej

Aug 22, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App - 'Ty demands and receives respect' - influential person [4]

Thanks. Appreciate the feedback.

dixiej

Aug 21, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App - 'Ty demands and receives respect' - influential person [4]

I had just about finished my interview at Bluestone, an inner-city charter school for disadvantaged children. I was applying for a position as an after school tutor. Several softball questions, several strong answers. This was easy. Then the interviewer said, "just one second, Ty would like to meet you."

I was left waiting for a couple of minutes before being introduced to Tyrell (Ty) Stevens, a large dark skinned man with a hard set jaw and the bearing of a drill sergeant. After shaking my hand he sat down and flashed a broad smile, "What is your favorite movie?" I responded with Forest Gump, and the second Gump passed my lips Ty's smile evaporated and he fired question two, "Why are you sitting in this room? If it's to boost your resume then you can show yourself out because I don't have time for that." His eyes were locked on mine - dead silence. I felt slightly Gump-like as I was caught off guard by his quick switch from happy banter to all business. I explained that I wanted to help out kids who are less fortunate, and thought that tutoring would be a good way to do it. The questions grew tougher for quite a while as Ty drilled down on exactly why I was sitting in that chair. It became clear to me that making Bluestone a success was Ty's goal in life, and he wasn't going to have anyone on board who wasn't equally motivated.

Ty is an ex-professional football player. He grew up in the projects, raised by his grandmother. His is a movie-vision American success story: poor child with a loving grandmother, star high school athlete, college scholarship, NFL draft, and Super Bowl victory. The story could have ended there with the credits rolling as Ty walks off the ball field for the last time, yet Ty was set for greater challenges. He went on to found an after-school "manhood development program," which has blossomed into a charter school for 240 boys ranging eighth grade.

One of the most important things I learned from Ty is that it takes work to make a difference. You can't show up on campus and expect that your aura is going to change anything. You have to dig in, and show respect for the students and the system by giving it your all. The harder I work, the more I get from my involvement at the school. I feel as though I am really making a small difference in the lives of these students.

Another aspect I admire is the way Ty has taken his success on the football field, and used this as a springboard to success in serving others. One day I hope to be fortunate enough to follow a similar path, only using the business world as my starting point.

As Ty walks the halls of Bluestone, boys and teachers alike stand at attention and quiet down as he passes. He demands and receives respect, and each of these boys feels it is a privilege to attend his school. I know it is a privilege to work there, and am a better person for having had the opportunity.