carolinegimello
Aug 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'something that has puzzled you in life' - Essay Topic for University Admission [4]
Not a bad essay, but it could use a little tweaking. :)
-The first two sentences can be omitted.
-As this is a formal essay, change contractions into their longer form (I'd into I would, etc.)
-The second paragraph could really be omitted, or turned into a paragraph on why law & poli sci appeal to you.
-Fourth paragraph can be omitted, although your wanting to ultimately live & stay in Japan could definitely stay somewhere.
-Beef up the fourth paragraph. Sell yourself! What makes you super awesome? Why should they be excited to have you? Show off here.
The schools I have attended through my life, from grade school to high school , have always been average and the system problematic.
How have they been average? What system is problematic and how?
How does the website's being in English make it well suited for you?
I'd change "specifically" to "particularly", but whatever you feel's best. :)
Good luck!! :)
Not a bad essay, but it could use a little tweaking. :)
-The first two sentences can be omitted.
-As this is a formal essay, change contractions into their longer form (I'd into I would, etc.)
-The second paragraph could really be omitted, or turned into a paragraph on why law & poli sci appeal to you.
-Fourth paragraph can be omitted, although your wanting to ultimately live & stay in Japan could definitely stay somewhere.
-Beef up the fourth paragraph. Sell yourself! What makes you super awesome? Why should they be excited to have you? Show off here.
The school's I have attended through my life, form Grade School to High school, have always only been average and the system problematic.
The schools I have attended through my life, from grade school to high school , have always been average and the system problematic.
How have they been average? What system is problematic and how?
As it is in English, I think is well suited for students such as myself and will open many new opportunities for me.
How does the website's being in English make it well suited for you?
specifically within Law and Political Science
I'd change "specifically" to "particularly", but whatever you feel's best. :)
Good luck!! :)