Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by carolinegimello
Joined: Aug 21, 2012
Last Post: Aug 21, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 3
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carolinegimello   
Aug 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'something that has puzzled you in life' - Essay Topic for University Admission [4]

Not a bad essay, but it could use a little tweaking. :)

-The first two sentences can be omitted.
-As this is a formal essay, change contractions into their longer form (I'd into I would, etc.)
-The second paragraph could really be omitted, or turned into a paragraph on why law & poli sci appeal to you.
-Fourth paragraph can be omitted, although your wanting to ultimately live & stay in Japan could definitely stay somewhere.
-Beef up the fourth paragraph. Sell yourself! What makes you super awesome? Why should they be excited to have you? Show off here.

The school's I have attended through my life, form Grade School to High school, have always only been average and the system problematic.

The schools I have attended through my life, from grade school to high school , have always been average and the system problematic.
How have they been average? What system is problematic and how?

As it is in English, I think is well suited for students such as myself and will open many new opportunities for me.

How does the website's being in English make it well suited for you?

specifically within Law and Political Science

I'd change "specifically" to "particularly", but whatever you feel's best. :)

Good luck!! :)
carolinegimello   
Aug 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a beach near Istanbul' - Williams supplemental essay [6]

Beautiful essay! A few suggestions:

-I feel like the essay bounces around a little too much for its length. Are you describing the environment, your family, or how being in Istanbul affected you?

-It may be a little too heavy on family history rather than how you've made your own history.

responsible of a night-club

Change to: responsible for a nightclub

I was the secret holder of her past

What is her secret past? Please clarify.

It is now my turn to sacrifice everything so that my mother can rest.

How are you sacrificing everything?

Great concept, just needs a bit of work. :) Good luck!
carolinegimello   
Aug 21, 2012
Undergraduate / A Passing View - Williams Supplement Essay [3]

Hey! How does this look?

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

Endless trees twist out of dry, gray dirt, marring my view of the setting sun. With the passing of every silent form, I know my mother and many friends are farther and farther behind me. For the two days I spend in the train car, I silently reflect on all I would not see again for years, and all which was to come. I imprint in my mind all the hundreds of people at every stop, wondering how many other people have to board alone. Do they know where they are going any more than I?

I really should be used to an environment in motion after moving away so often, but this time the motion is different. Where there was once the occasional hand of my mother reaching back, playfully waving in front of my face to test if I was awake, there is now only a fading curtain. I made the decision to leave on my own, and I left on my own. I know that the only way I will grow and succeed is to carry on and chase opportunity, no matter how scary it is.

With every shadow of every branch, I tell myself to stop looking back or down. Even if the world waits, I will ever move forward.

Thank you so much!
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