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Posts by LTC Lawrence
Joined: Sep 23, 2012
Last Post: Oct 22, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  

From: China

Displayed posts: 6
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LTC Lawrence   
Oct 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'A Nomad, a Navy Brat' - Flagler College Essay [3]

This experience gave you a great change, but that is not enough for your reason to apply to Flagler. You used too many words on how the things hurt you ,but just use 6 lines to describe how much you hurt and feel when you were plummeting and how you recovered( which is your main reason:to guide others through your art work.) I think you should write more about that...
LTC Lawrence   
Oct 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Playing flute and guitar' - CommonApp short answer essay [7]

One little hint to decrease the characters is to delete the space before each sentence,that would cause red line in the "word" but that doesn't matter.

One little mistake is "My two-year experience in the ensemble convinced my that " should me changed to me.
And your content is well done...
Finally ,Would you like to see my essay which is posted?
LTC Lawrence   
Oct 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Book knowledge / Robot car' - Common applications [3]

There's are 2 essays in the application for all,and I hope someone will correct the grammar error and told me where's my essay's fault .

1.(the little essay)(1000 character max)
Having learnt knowledge on books for 10 years,I always classify it according to whether,where and how it will be tested until I conducted a yoghurt research project.Buying yoghurts,I had to charily examine its bacteria and price,because the research target was to compare yoghurt's bacteria's usefulness as a digestive catalyst and its cost/performance ratio.Doing the experiments,I studied not only the bacteria's quality but also the basic lab rules and the reason of them.Apart from books,I learnt from experiments and empirical experiences,and used my own inspiring ideas,such as drop 5ml of yoghurt on paper and compute the size to decide its stickiness.While I was in the project,I enjoyed every moment of it.After I had finished the project,the best thing I got is not the 3rdprize but this activity's impact.Later I am still interested in books,but reads more critically.Not just thinking about tests,I now think why certain knowledge is important and how it contributes to our daily life.

2.(the big essay)(250-500 words)
"Oh my god,what are you bungling with our robot car?Why don't you use a spider's leg like the group next to us?"

"Trust me, I'm just adding a reversal wheel as weapon,and that'll be our silver bullet!"
It was a robot car competition of ten groups using various LEGO robot cars, one versus another,on a 1-meter long desk to pull other's car off.When the rules of the competition was first informed ,I thought that the other teams would definitely use great shovels as weapons before their cars to overthrow other's cars,and with two reverse directional wheels ahead,our car would devastate other's cars as easily as a tornado blows up an umbrella.Because that's two different tactics using two different levels of technologies: ours use a engine to generate the power of weapon,while others just put some blocks as their sword and shield.I was so confident that we have no possibility to lose at all and we'll defeat them as modern tanks defeat medieval cavaliers.

But the next day, something was out of my prediction. Seeing the spider's leg car next to us,my teammate Rocky was fascinated by its technology and said: "behold,the spider's climbing feet was moved by the engine which originally for the wheels!That may even beat our invincible weapon by shunning its attack wheels!What could we do to defeat the spider armada invented by modern Newton?"And later he suggested we should adopt the spider's leg to,at least,get a silver prize.That was reasonable,but my confidence and glory for my own ingenuity didn't allow me to renounce my invention without even testing it."Why should my own innovation be the inferior ones?"I thought.While we were deciding our strategy,the deadline is looming ahead.Just after 9 hours,at 8PM,the competition would begin.

I stick to my own road,never turned around,and added my wheel weapon to my car.When I almost finished my weapon,Rocky showed up and he was apparently stunned by my action(He think that I was adding spider legs to the car.)And at that moment,the previous dialogue occurred. After a little reflection ,I added "trust me ,trust my creativity,trust my ability,trust my ingenuity ,trust me ,we'll be the champion!"Perhaps he was moved by my words ,and my project was finished in 7:30PM.Without a proper testing ,our car run to be battle field just before the deadline.Most of our enemies used shovels as I expected and only one exception is the spider car. Our car defeated other cars without any difficulty,always winning 3 rounds in 3 rounds,since reversal wheels are the natural predator of the shovels.And when it comes to the Final match, the situation was harder and their formidable spider avoided so many attacks of us.There 're many times we thought that we're going to lose ,and with the time elapsing,our T-shirts became sweaty with anxiety ,but when the spider fell from the desk,I know we did it.

This is the first time I realized the big role played by my confidence and ingenuity,and how much potential creativity I have.On my way home ,without dinner and lunch ,I feel exhausted but exhilarated;the physical fatigue couldn't inhibit my euphoria mood.Although the night was misty ,I seemed to have a laser guiding me to the right way.

***IF YOU VIEW AND HELP TO CORRECT MY ESSAY,I WILL GO AND HELP YOURS . THANKS A LOT!!!
LTC Lawrence   
Sep 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Common app essay; Signifcant Experience - My Trip to Italy. [2]

I think this essay is good ...but I think what U want to gain from this trip is the culture diversity .So your grandma's words do give U something ,but it's not pertinent to your parents' hardship in America...And also ,in the transition from your grandma's saying and your own thought you use "first I thought ,,,then i thought,,,finally ..."and these three subsequent realization of your ture feeling ..perhaps culture diversity ...is an expositon and not vivid enough...
LTC Lawrence   
Sep 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App - Steve Jobs biggest Influence on me. [5]

I have some suggestions for your essay ...i think that you have put too much emphasis on how great jobs is than how much he affected you ...so you should use more details ,such as comparison ,for the impact of jobs...instead of these abstract phrases...that' just my opinion...
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