Writing Feedback / "in text Referencing" - This essay is correted by my teacher [2]

This is first essay that i have to use "in text Referencing" also I had to make it sound acadamic! Keep in mind that English is my third language, I am palnning to do ielts Just to see where my English skill is at. so please feel free to comment.

Topic. argue whether school aged children have access to mobile phone ot not

Essay outline
Thesis:
This Essay will argue that school-children should not have access to mobile phones

Theme 1: Health and safety concern
- Radiation produced by the mobile phone could cause cancer.
- Children could be subject to pedestrian accident due to texting and playing games when travelling

Theme 2: Social problems
- Cyber bullying
- Will have access to inappropriate adult materials
- Parental control over who children can communicate with will be limited

Theme 3: Cost
- Household budget will suffer due replacement of damaged and lost mobile phones
- Children will pressured to have the latest phones
- Advertisers will use the "tweens" to put family in a financial hardship

A very good outline.

The popularity of mobile phones is growing every year. Because of its convenience, nearly every adult have has one. However, in recent years, the mobile phone has become increasing popular amongst school children. This essay will argue that school-children should not have access to mobile phones. This is because there are health and safety concerns, increased cost to the family budget and associated social problems. A very good introduction.

Firstly, there is a potential health and safety risk to school-children using mobile phones. This is because young children are still at a developmental stage, therefore, they are vulnerable to the level of radiation produced by the mobile phone. The radiation could cause cancer to mobile users; for example, if children access mobile phones early then the risk of developing these diseases would be sooner than children who waited until they are fully grown. Additionally, school children are constantly subjected to pedestrian accidents due to the use of mobile phones. This is because it has become a modern convenience for school children to text then to make a call (Lenhart, 2010) (full stop after the reference). It is easy to see why this is a serious problem; due to availability of games in mobile phone, children are constantly busy playing games and looking down at their mobile. Furthermore, it has been argued that young children do not have the full capacity to be alert to the situation at hand. For example, children could move as soon as they hear the crossing signal sound, which may possibly come from the pedestrian crossing light on the opposite side to where they are about to cross. This supports the fact introduced by (Kraus,at al.1996:2) that child pedestrian accidents mostly occurred in the local streets. For the safety of the schoolchildren should not have access to mobile phones.

Secondly, accessing to mobile phones would enable school-children being a victim of social problems and parent's supervision would be limited. As Rathmanner (2007) claims, young children are "developing cognitive capacity" it which means they can be manipulated by any one. They could be exposed to inappropriate adult material and unhealthy friendships without the knowledge of their guardian. Similarly, parents would not have any knowledge to about whom their children are communicating with through the mobile phones. In addition, children could be cyber bullied through their device even in their own home. For example (comma), previously, when the child was bullied at school the bullying would stop when they get home, but school children with mobile phones they are now more likely to be continually harmed. (In-text reference?)

Lastly, the cost associated with the usage of mobile phone places the family in financial difficulties. Mobile phone bills are paid regularly and parents could be shocked by the amount of money they have to pay each month. For example, school children would call whoever they want, and would speak as long they desire without limitations. Moreover, the household budget would suffer due to the replacement, damaged and lost mobile phone. On top of that, mobile phones are constantly being upgraded, therefore, young people are being targeted by advertisers and they would be pressured to have the latest mobile phones (Rathmanner, 2007). Unnecessarily, that would put the family in financial hardship and the parents pocket will be emptied.

In conclusion, mobile phones have presented problems for school-aged children in everyday use. School children need to be in a healthy and safe environment away from social issues and without the mobile phone ensuing family financial hardship. Good - may be a bit brief; only 37 words. As a guide, allocate 10% of the word limit to the conclusion