fleurebelle95
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Samson's journey' - Transfer Essay [3]
You have a really nice writing style! I also enjoyed the beginning a lot.
A main thing I saw was your excessive use of contractions. This might come of as informal, so I'd suggest changing some, if not all, to their full extended form.
Also "However, much like the biblical name he bore Samson's reality would come crashing upon him" needs a comma between bore and Samson's.
I don't think you need to mention your father; it's quite obvious that you initially idolized Samson. The father line seems unnecessary.
I'm not sure if in the third paragraph "intellectual" is the best word choice... maybe you should try something a little less concrete, if that makes any sense.
"While my record isn't perfect as I would of liked it reflects someone who has strived and challenged themselves. I am grateful for my experiences at Nassau for tools the institution has equipped me with" needs a comma between liked and it.
Other than those minute grammatical errors, seriously great essay!
P.S. Read mine, please?
You have a really nice writing style! I also enjoyed the beginning a lot.
A main thing I saw was your excessive use of contractions. This might come of as informal, so I'd suggest changing some, if not all, to their full extended form.
Also "However, much like the biblical name he bore Samson's reality would come crashing upon him" needs a comma between bore and Samson's.
I don't think you need to mention your father; it's quite obvious that you initially idolized Samson. The father line seems unnecessary.
I'm not sure if in the third paragraph "intellectual" is the best word choice... maybe you should try something a little less concrete, if that makes any sense.
"While my record isn't perfect as I would of liked it reflects someone who has strived and challenged themselves. I am grateful for my experiences at Nassau for tools the institution has equipped me with" needs a comma between liked and it.
Other than those minute grammatical errors, seriously great essay!
P.S. Read mine, please?