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Posts by fleurebelle95
Joined: Oct 19, 2012
Last Post: Oct 19, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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fleurebelle95   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Samson's journey' - Transfer Essay [3]

You have a really nice writing style! I also enjoyed the beginning a lot.

A main thing I saw was your excessive use of contractions. This might come of as informal, so I'd suggest changing some, if not all, to their full extended form.

Also "However, much like the biblical name he bore Samson's reality would come crashing upon him" needs a comma between bore and Samson's.

I don't think you need to mention your father; it's quite obvious that you initially idolized Samson. The father line seems unnecessary.
I'm not sure if in the third paragraph "intellectual" is the best word choice... maybe you should try something a little less concrete, if that makes any sense.

"While my record isn't perfect as I would of liked it reflects someone who has strived and challenged themselves. I am grateful for my experiences at Nassau for tools the institution has equipped me with" needs a comma between liked and it.

Other than those minute grammatical errors, seriously great essay!

P.S. Read mine, please?
fleurebelle95   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Underground Home' - Michigan Essay Critique [3]

I like the idea of your essay, but not how you only mention how it connects to the university at the end. This essay is convenient in that it can be used for pretty much any school with a "Why us?" prompt, but I feel like each college will want you to tailor your essay a little more to them. You're not really answering the prompt; it asked for why you are interested in University of Michigan and what you are interested in doing there, none of which you answered in depth.

As for the technicalities of the essay, I thought it really flowed well and was quite eloquent! Can you use it perhaps for a different prompt?

Read my essay, please?
fleurebelle95   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'From Korea to Cambodia - how it changed my life' - CommonApp Essay [2]

Hi!

Your essay is well written, and I don't think I found typos or anything of the sort.
However, your third paragraph (No one...) has a lot of telling and this makes is a little choppy and dull at times. Try combining a few sentences.

Take out "ordinary" in "ordinary dentist" because that sounds unnecessarily judgemental.
In the beginning, change "things like these" to "comments like these" or anything more specific than "things."
I like the idea of you going against what people tell you to pursue your own dreams, but focus more on your ambition, and maybe even talk about future plans? Right now your essay seems a tad underdeveloped.

Overall, good job, and good luck!
fleurebelle95   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Kimberly, Margaret, and I' - Common App reflection - topic of your choice [2]

So I got an idea for an essay topic but it doesn't fall in any of the common app prompts.
Is this okay? Any feedback is welcome! Thanks.

Every morning, for the past six years, I have walked to school with two girls, Kimberly and Margaret. And every morning, I rediscover what it means to have true friends.

The three of us met because of a fateful 6th grade homeroom class. We all verged on painfully shy, and weren't introduced to each other until our parents denied us transportation to school, forcing us to befriend each other in an attempt to avoid the depressing isolation that would inevitably result from walking alone. Thankfully, 6th graders are quick to befriend, and we became inseparable.

In middle school, as avid bookworms, we would often discuss books on our way. Our book of the week ranged from the beloved Harry Potter series to the more grown-up Pride and Prejudice, and our opinionated minds each had something to contribute. I argued with Kimberly on the merits of each House in Hogwarts and sympathized with Margaret on the questionable societal norms of Jane Austen's 18th century England. On the rare days when we had exhausted that week's worth of discussion too soon, we would count the numerous snails on the sidewalk and cocoons on the fences, and delve into the wonders of biology. It was from Margaret that I learned about amino acids, and from Kimberly, the difference between a bacteria and virus. Even as twelve-year-olds, we shaped each others' views of the world and acted as defining influences.

It was in our freshman year that we started a new discussion. Perhaps because we were all searching for our identities, we tried to symbolize our personalities through random categories. I was indie electropunk music, because I apparently had the same subtly intense quality it did, the color wine red, which implied maturity with a hint of sass, and a spider, which had many eyes in which to view the world from different perspectives. This pastime offered not only personal introspection, but a glimpse into what others saw in me. Other times, we connected through music - Kimberly played the violin, Margaret played the clarinet, I played the saxophone, and we had all been classically trained in piano from the age of 5. We conversed about the expressive beauty of Beethoven's tragic melodies and Wagner's soaring fanfares while trying to pinpoint what exactly about pop music made it so popular.

In junior year, with the SATs approaching, we each vowed to share 5 obscure vocabulary words each day in hopes of conquering the critical reading section of the test. Together, we learned over 300 terms. Our work paid off, as a year later we all became National Merit Semi-Finalists, and our shared victory made it all the more glorious.

Today, I realize how crucial Kimberly, Margaret, and I were to each other. We taught one another the joys of learning, of opinions, and of knowledge. We proved how working together to accomplish a mutual goal could achieve extraordinary success. But most importantly of all, we showed each other the invaluable, eternal resource of friendship.

500 words
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