Posts by IamEmma

IamEmma

Oct 28, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: I believe that poorer countries require rich ones support to develop their countries [3]

Although you make a valid point, you never make me (as a reader) feel like I should do this. This is because you never present a valid argument for WHY richer countries should help poorer ones. Sure, you say that we should, that it's our responsibility, yada yada yada, but never why. Try a pathos argument blended with facts and personal perspective. Good luck! Love, E.

IamEmma

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Dartmouth Extracurricular Essay; keeping the conversation going [3]

I like the topic. However, the last part of the first sentence makes no sense whatsoever,

" from how much speechlessness hurt me, I saw keeping the conversation going as critical."

clarify what you mean here--because right now your point is not getting across.
This sentence is much clearer--I understand what you mean, but you still have to alter the structure of it.

" In my high school where the 96 international students, 85 of which are Chinese, being the only boarders, the physical separation has lead to cultural segregation."

Further clarify the connection here, because right now it sounds solely like "ergo hoc propter hoc"-logic,

"Some of us who were less sufficient in English were spiritually grounded in the Chinese community."

Other than that, great job! As stated, the topic you've chosen is great--you just need to work on sentence structure. Maybe you can have the native English speaker you're paired up with take a look at this text. Message him/her on Facebook or something, since the ED applications are due in three days. Good luck!

Love, E.

IamEmma

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Journalism is my Ambrosia -- Extracurricular Activities Essay for Common App [2]

I like the overall sincerity of the piece. The first sentences,

"I always thought that I would become the next J.K. Rowling and create a brilliant series of 400 page books that everyone would fawn and die for. That was not the result. After writing the first half of the first chapter of what was to be my first novel, I found that my creative juices just did not want to flow and help me write the other 399 pages that would make this a novel. That was when I found journalism."

work really well--I can relate to it very well, as well as smirk at the brutal honesty of what you've written.
However, you loose me after that. There's something off about this sentence:

" I consumed the sweet brevity, the furious typing of reporters trying to make a deadline, and the knowledge that what you wrote could change the world. "

Change the structure of this sentence:

"Through my role as editor-in-chief of my school news-magazine to my role as the creator of my personal fashion blog, journalism has intertwined its way into my life so much so that it has become my ambrosia. "

You loose the reader a bit.
Also, you write how you found it, what opportunities it has presented, yet not what it means to you--do this and it will be even better!!

Love, E.

IamEmma

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / SAIC Art School admission Essay; winner of several awards [4]

Would you please review my essay as well?? :-)

IamEmma

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR IVIES ABOUT BELONGING-- FROM SWEDEN [2]

"Does it speak Swedish?" a blonde haired boy asks, pointing at 5-year-old me, a dainty beast with ebony colored curls, thick rose lips, and skin one shade darker than cappuccino.

"I do," I respond in a whisper, credulously smiling. The boy walks right past me, head turned up in hoarse laughter.
Growing up in northern Sweden, my two siblings and I were often "its." Although we knew no other culture, we couldn't be Swedish because we looked nothing like our Swedish peers. We were, as my childhood friend Julia put it, "Negroes," and it took me about six years to fully comprehend this. Upon realizing that I looked different, a lion prancing around the Scandinavian Savannah amongst bears. I went to the source of the affair for further questioning, my blonde haired mamma , and buried my head in her lap while revealing my suspicions in a loud cry:

"I know you're not my real mamma, you look nothing like me. Take me back to America where I belong, take me back to my real mamma." Every word slapped the air like hands patting a djembe drum. My bewildered 6-year-old self accused her of kidnapping me, and threatened to call the police if she didn't return me this instant. I wailed in fury that I yearned to be someone, not an "it." Mamma sighed; tears fell from her unblinking eyes as she elucidated that being different will make me a stronger person, "you're a cappuccino colored babe because daddy's Afro-American and mamma's Caucasian." Her words hung thick mid-air, making no palpable sense whatsoever.

* * *
At the age of 13, my mamma told me she was pregnant with a petite baby-boy. He was half-Turkish and to be named "Ata."
"He won't be my real brother, you know," I hissed through the palms of my hands; a statement which I had planned on sticking to forever, but as soon as Ata was born-as frail as a bird with eyes the oceanic color they have before they get a color-I just couldn't. I had to keep an eye on him so that he wouldn't break, or whatever it is unattended babies do. Just in case.

His blonde head now rests on my 18-year-old back while we lay on the living room floor watching cartoons. "Now why would they disregard the kitten just because it's a kitten? They're dogs, and they obviously have an organized crime mob," I say, pointing at the TV and plot hole. Ata bursts out in childish snickers, punching me playfully in the face. I kiss his plump cheeks in response.

It took me a while to understand that belonging isn't determined by eye-catching genetics. Mamma says I ceased to be an "it" the day I got bumped up a grade due to my intellectual promise and found my place amongst other ambitious children. I say it occurred the day I realized that my mamma and siblings are mine, like the way the moon and night sky belong to one another.