Hamsilious
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The simple life in Vietnam' - UC Essay Prompt 1 Describe the world you come from [4]
Thank you so much :) Any comment on the content?
Thank you so much :) Any comment on the content?
Hamsilious
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]
I've always been told to read over and over the prompt clearly. After reading your essay, I found that you answered the first part "describe the world you come from" very thoroughly, but you forget the second part, which is your aspiration. What do you dream of? What is your aspiration? You concluded that you've matured and become stronger from the world you live in; how does that world shape what you want to do with your future or what your dreams are?
One more thing to keep in mind, in my opinion, is your opening statement. Starting an essay with questions is really generic to me, and the last thing you want to do is to have a failed hook from the beginning.
Last but not least, describe the hardships in your world. You said your dad came home tired as always, what does he do? Give context to your essay as well. Same thing goes to your lack of materials to exercise potential. What do you lack of? What did you have to face? Rather than merely mentioning it, tell us about that.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your application! :)
I've always been told to read over and over the prompt clearly. After reading your essay, I found that you answered the first part "describe the world you come from" very thoroughly, but you forget the second part, which is your aspiration. What do you dream of? What is your aspiration? You concluded that you've matured and become stronger from the world you live in; how does that world shape what you want to do with your future or what your dreams are?
One more thing to keep in mind, in my opinion, is your opening statement. Starting an essay with questions is really generic to me, and the last thing you want to do is to have a failed hook from the beginning.
Last but not least, describe the hardships in your world. You said your dad came home tired as always, what does he do? Give context to your essay as well. Same thing goes to your lack of materials to exercise potential. What do you lack of? What did you have to face? Rather than merely mentioning it, tell us about that.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your application! :)
Hamsilious
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The simple life in Vietnam' - UC Essay Prompt 1 Describe the world you come from [4]
Please help me critique this essay :( Any comment will help. Thank you so so much. Happy Thanksgiving by the way! :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Born and raised in Vietnam, my life was bound with simplicity. I remember every little things from the placid river near my grandma's chicken pen, the vintage motorbike that grandpa always treasures to the flying kites that carry every kid's hopes and dreams. Life was simple, yet my aspiration of a better house without leaks for my grandparents, of a three-course meal everyday for my family, of a stable education for both my brother and me was burning in my heart. On July 19th, 2009, my dream was finally fulfilled.
Struggles always accompany new opportunities. With barely any understanding of English, I walked into a classroom full of English-speaking high school students. Even when I was put in an English Language Development class, I couldn't catch up with the fast-paced courses in school. As a result, I simply was on the verge of failing. I wish I could confront such an internal disappointment or convey how painful it was to feel like an absolute failure. To make matter worse, everyday I came home feeling heavy and useless. Since my parents were struggling to compromise with the monthly bills and financial problems, my uncles were thus obliged to give us money. The last thing I wanted to do was to be someone else's burden. Nevertheless, my thirteen-year-old self suddenly seemed too small and powerless in the new world to help change the situation. For a moment, my dream of a better future for my family and myself seemed to collapse.
However, the more I observed, the more I aspired to change. Witnessing my parents' struggles inspired me to reevaluate my purpose and goals for success in this new country. I was fortunately given a one-in-a-lifetime chance to be educated in this developed country, so that my family's future would not be buried in poverty and that my parents' sacrifices would compensate. I could not give up.
Consequently, I let go of my apprehension of failure that was preventing me from thriving and maturing, and plunged into schoolwork in order to validate my family's journey through academic success. Perseverance and curiosity kept me inspired as I encountered challenging and intriguing issues in classes. The effort I put in schoolwork was soon paid off as I became one of the twenty-four participants to attend the Stanford Medical Youth Science Program. Not only did I meet and learn from many intellectual professors on the university campus, but I also had a chance to work on a research project that allowed me to address health disparity in the minority population. Standing on the stage the day of presentation, I felt accomplished to thoroughly discourse the information about Human Papilomavirus and its prevention to the audience. I was capable of helping minority families, like my own, to be more aware of their health risks and the possible prevention. This experience enriched my knowledge and gave me an opportunity to once again believe in my own ability to overcome adversities and to improve my family's life conditions.
Please help me critique this essay :( Any comment will help. Thank you so so much. Happy Thanksgiving by the way! :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Born and raised in Vietnam, my life was bound with simplicity. I remember every little things from the placid river near my grandma's chicken pen, the vintage motorbike that grandpa always treasures to the flying kites that carry every kid's hopes and dreams. Life was simple, yet my aspiration of a better house without leaks for my grandparents, of a three-course meal everyday for my family, of a stable education for both my brother and me was burning in my heart. On July 19th, 2009, my dream was finally fulfilled.
Struggles always accompany new opportunities. With barely any understanding of English, I walked into a classroom full of English-speaking high school students. Even when I was put in an English Language Development class, I couldn't catch up with the fast-paced courses in school. As a result, I simply was on the verge of failing. I wish I could confront such an internal disappointment or convey how painful it was to feel like an absolute failure. To make matter worse, everyday I came home feeling heavy and useless. Since my parents were struggling to compromise with the monthly bills and financial problems, my uncles were thus obliged to give us money. The last thing I wanted to do was to be someone else's burden. Nevertheless, my thirteen-year-old self suddenly seemed too small and powerless in the new world to help change the situation. For a moment, my dream of a better future for my family and myself seemed to collapse.
However, the more I observed, the more I aspired to change. Witnessing my parents' struggles inspired me to reevaluate my purpose and goals for success in this new country. I was fortunately given a one-in-a-lifetime chance to be educated in this developed country, so that my family's future would not be buried in poverty and that my parents' sacrifices would compensate. I could not give up.
Consequently, I let go of my apprehension of failure that was preventing me from thriving and maturing, and plunged into schoolwork in order to validate my family's journey through academic success. Perseverance and curiosity kept me inspired as I encountered challenging and intriguing issues in classes. The effort I put in schoolwork was soon paid off as I became one of the twenty-four participants to attend the Stanford Medical Youth Science Program. Not only did I meet and learn from many intellectual professors on the university campus, but I also had a chance to work on a research project that allowed me to address health disparity in the minority population. Standing on the stage the day of presentation, I felt accomplished to thoroughly discourse the information about Human Papilomavirus and its prevention to the audience. I was capable of helping minority families, like my own, to be more aware of their health risks and the possible prevention. This experience enriched my knowledge and gave me an opportunity to once again believe in my own ability to overcome adversities and to improve my family's life conditions.
Hamsilious
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "A straight-A Student"-Stanford Supplement Letter to your roommate [4]
I've revised the first part of the essay. What do you think? Have I improved it?
Please excuse the arbitrary nature of this note!
Before going to any detail, I'm still debating on the perfect place to put this little note. Sticking on the doorway would appear too aggressive, and you might likely just pass it by without noticing. What about your bed? I'm just afraid that it would as well be buried under your luggage. Well, I've made my mind; putting on your desk, where you would spend late nights doing homework or reading your favorite books, might be a brilliant idea. The place even have a comfortable seat for you to sit down and read! I hope you don't mind, but this is what I do. I overthink in the most spontaneous and finicky way.
Aside from that eccentric aspect of me, to be honest, I'm quite ordinary. As a matter of fact, I love...
Justin Bieber! There, I said it! Though I am not as fanatic as the majority of girls out there, I enjoy his music. I couldn't care less about how haters ramble about his imperfections. Who's perfect anyway? My romantic nature is, in fact, provoked by his songs. Admit it, how can you not like that soft first kiss under the mistletoes, the boyfriend who vows to be anything for you, or the love that rises up against all odds? So yes, I will no longer feel ashamed of my obsession for Bieber. Everyone needs their guilty pleasures.
And also...I tend to get excited when it comes to my favorite dishes. The bowl of hot and sour fish soup with mints, chili, and bean sprouts that incites a little burning sensation on my tongue. Or that plate of braised prawn with caramel sauce served on steamed rice, with the spiciness that envelops my mouth with every bite. Luckily for you, I know how to cook all of these dishes and more - I am a swell cook with almost three years of experience (including a year as a student intern in my mom's little kitchen). You are always welcome to grab a bite!
So roomies, enough of my rambling; I'd like to congratulate all of us! We are all going to Stanford this fall, and I can't wait to meet you!
I've revised the first part of the essay. What do you think? Have I improved it?
Please excuse the arbitrary nature of this note!
Before going to any detail, I'm still debating on the perfect place to put this little note. Sticking on the doorway would appear too aggressive, and you might likely just pass it by without noticing. What about your bed? I'm just afraid that it would as well be buried under your luggage. Well, I've made my mind; putting on your desk, where you would spend late nights doing homework or reading your favorite books, might be a brilliant idea. The place even have a comfortable seat for you to sit down and read! I hope you don't mind, but this is what I do. I overthink in the most spontaneous and finicky way.
Aside from that eccentric aspect of me, to be honest, I'm quite ordinary. As a matter of fact, I love...
Justin Bieber! There, I said it! Though I am not as fanatic as the majority of girls out there, I enjoy his music. I couldn't care less about how haters ramble about his imperfections. Who's perfect anyway? My romantic nature is, in fact, provoked by his songs. Admit it, how can you not like that soft first kiss under the mistletoes, the boyfriend who vows to be anything for you, or the love that rises up against all odds? So yes, I will no longer feel ashamed of my obsession for Bieber. Everyone needs their guilty pleasures.
And also...I tend to get excited when it comes to my favorite dishes. The bowl of hot and sour fish soup with mints, chili, and bean sprouts that incites a little burning sensation on my tongue. Or that plate of braised prawn with caramel sauce served on steamed rice, with the spiciness that envelops my mouth with every bite. Luckily for you, I know how to cook all of these dishes and more - I am a swell cook with almost three years of experience (including a year as a student intern in my mom's little kitchen). You are always welcome to grab a bite!
So roomies, enough of my rambling; I'd like to congratulate all of us! We are all going to Stanford this fall, and I can't wait to meet you!
Hamsilious
Oct 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "A straight-A Student"-Stanford Supplement Letter to your roommate [4]
2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (2000)
I am a straight-A student.
That's has been my grandiose masquerade ever since I was young. It's quite a blessing and a curse as well. Assumptions and prejudgments often come in the way as people see my transcripts. "What a nerd! I bet she never has time for fun!" "Does she know that she's smart?" I know. I've been told over and over again, but is that who I really am?
It is absurd how people perceive me as this and that when clearly there's a profound soul within each and every individual. Am I supposed to be that introvert girl, sitting in the corner of comfort and restlessly jotting notes down? Or the library sweetheart burying herself in books and assignments (even though I am sincerely fond of reading)? I'm sorry to upset anyone who has such impressions of me, but to be honest, I love...
Justin Bieber! There, I said it! Though I am not as fanatic as the majority of girls out there, I enjoy his music. I couldn't care less about how haters ramble about his imperfections. Who's perfect anyway? My romantic nature is, in fact, provoked by his songs. Admit it, how can you not like that soft first kiss under the mistletoes, the boyfriend who vows to be anything for you, or the love that rises up against all odds? So yes, I will no longer feel ashamed of my obsession for Bieber. Everyone needs their guilty pleasures.
And also...I tend to get excited when it comes to my favorite dishes. The bowl of hot and sour fish soup with mints, chili, and bean sprouts that incites a little burning sensation on my tongue. Or that plate of braised prawn with caramel sauce served on steamed rice, with the spiciness that envelops my mouth with every bite. Luckily for you, I know how to cook all of these dishes and more - I am a swell cook with almost three years of experience (including a year as a student intern in my mom's little kitchen). You are always welcome to grab a bite!
So roomies, enough of my rambling; I'd like to congratulate all of us! We are all going to Stanford this fall, and I can't wait to meet you!
2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (2000)
I am a straight-A student.
That's has been my grandiose masquerade ever since I was young. It's quite a blessing and a curse as well. Assumptions and prejudgments often come in the way as people see my transcripts. "What a nerd! I bet she never has time for fun!" "Does she know that she's smart?" I know. I've been told over and over again, but is that who I really am?
It is absurd how people perceive me as this and that when clearly there's a profound soul within each and every individual. Am I supposed to be that introvert girl, sitting in the corner of comfort and restlessly jotting notes down? Or the library sweetheart burying herself in books and assignments (even though I am sincerely fond of reading)? I'm sorry to upset anyone who has such impressions of me, but to be honest, I love...
Justin Bieber! There, I said it! Though I am not as fanatic as the majority of girls out there, I enjoy his music. I couldn't care less about how haters ramble about his imperfections. Who's perfect anyway? My romantic nature is, in fact, provoked by his songs. Admit it, how can you not like that soft first kiss under the mistletoes, the boyfriend who vows to be anything for you, or the love that rises up against all odds? So yes, I will no longer feel ashamed of my obsession for Bieber. Everyone needs their guilty pleasures.
And also...I tend to get excited when it comes to my favorite dishes. The bowl of hot and sour fish soup with mints, chili, and bean sprouts that incites a little burning sensation on my tongue. Or that plate of braised prawn with caramel sauce served on steamed rice, with the spiciness that envelops my mouth with every bite. Luckily for you, I know how to cook all of these dishes and more - I am a swell cook with almost three years of experience (including a year as a student intern in my mom's little kitchen). You are always welcome to grab a bite!
So roomies, enough of my rambling; I'd like to congratulate all of us! We are all going to Stanford this fall, and I can't wait to meet you!
Hamsilious
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford - Fusors and Particle Acccelerators [3]
Your essay was well-written, but in my opinion, it hasn't reached the point of how the experience is "important to your intellectual development". Upon reading your essay, I can see how you're willing to overcome hardships and to do the unthinkable. However, it concentrates so much on the plan and leaves out the real action. Maybe focus more on the process of building a fusor? How that process happened to you and how it impacted you? Have you learned about teamwork? Have you comprehended the concept of never giving up?
These are just some of my opinions. Very nice essay, keep up the good work. Good job, and good luck with the next step! :)
Your essay was well-written, but in my opinion, it hasn't reached the point of how the experience is "important to your intellectual development". Upon reading your essay, I can see how you're willing to overcome hardships and to do the unthinkable. However, it concentrates so much on the plan and leaves out the real action. Maybe focus more on the process of building a fusor? How that process happened to you and how it impacted you? Have you learned about teamwork? Have you comprehended the concept of never giving up?
These are just some of my opinions. Very nice essay, keep up the good work. Good job, and good luck with the next step! :)
