Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by poppyroll
Joined: Oct 30, 2012
Last Post: Oct 30, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
poppyroll   
Oct 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Fordham Essay - Describe a significant life experience; 'Losing someone in life' [2]

You mention how you still "feel every ounce of pain and grief." Make sure that you change the rest of the essay into present tense. In my opinion, It makes the essay more personal, and in turn helps the reader relate more to you. You did a good job relating his death to who you are now but maybe you could add that you want to make your brother proud by becoming the best person that you can become, you strive to reach all your goals, etc.

Hope this helps!
poppyroll   
Oct 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "Once you start, you are already half-way done." Common App Essay [4]

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. 250-500 words

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me" -Jim Valvano. My father was the greatest gift that I have ever been given. For as long as I can remember, he was always there for me. He was not only my father, but he was my best friend. I told him anything that was on my mind and he was always there to support me and believe in me. My dad was one of many names: Josef Guerra, Daddy, Mr. Joe, Daddio, PapĂĄ, and Walking Encyclopedia. My dad knew everything about anything. Whenever I would ask him a question, he would answer every angle of the question, even if it was irrelevant. My dad placed a special weight in academics. He believed that I should always walk the extra mile when in regard to my schoolwork. I remember him staying up late with me when I had an important test or a big paper due the next day. It was because of him that I wanted to become above average in every aspect of my life, including in school. His influence in my life gave me the drive to succeed, and to really, really work for what I want. My dad has had a significant influence in my life because, ultimately, he introduced the great importance of academics and he helped me nurture the passion to always try my hardest and to never, ever, ever give up. If I ever do think of giving up, I think of my father's influential words: "Once you start, you're already halfway done." Those few words give me the strength to go on and keep my eyes on the prize.

Unfortunately, in December of 2008, my father passed away from Pancreatic Cancer. He being gone is very hard for me. He was always the first person I went to when I got an A on my math test or I felt really confident on a paper I wrote. I remember one day specifically. I had gotten straight A's on my report card and I was extremely elated. I ran home all the way from the bus stop to my dad's door, super excited to tell him the good news. It wasn't until I reached his bedroom door that I realized he wasn't there and I couldn't tell him. It's been a long journey that I've been through since his passing, but I keep on working hard because I don't want to disappoint him, wherever he is. I want him to look down on me and be proud of the girl he raised. I want him to sit down on a table with his friends in Heaven and tell them "My daughter is a doctor and she made me the happiest father there ever was." I want to make him happy because he made me happy.

This is my very first draft. I'm not too sure on the essay at the beginning and I'm positive that I have grammatical mistakes. I would love for any feedback at all. I just want to make sure this is as perfect as possible. Thanks!

P.S. Word Count is 478. Is it too wordy?
Please feel free to butcher this essay. Also, I'm not too sure on the title. I'm not very creative in that sense.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳