abhaya
Oct 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Harry Potter / Hunger Games - My University of Chicago Supplement essay [11]
I'm not so sure about "Hmmm." I know it says that it should really reflect your personality and show be like "your voice", but I have tried to still make mine a bit formal-ish. It's really up to you, if you think it really adds to your essay.
Try not to use "Of course" as much. It makes it seem like the essay is repeating itself, even if it really isn't.
I think this needs a comma, but you might consider taking out the "Yes"
"like" doesn't seem appropriate. I'd probably remove it.
The comma makes it better, but you might consider removing "You see." Again, the whole, don't use 'you' in papers.
You could say? I think that sounds better, but use your judgement.
I love to see what.
I think 1 exclamation mark is sufficient.
My favourite author is without question Jane Austen. Or maybe, 'Jane Austen is without question/definitely my favourite author.' The question does add more personality though, so thats up to you what you want to get out of your essay.
Redundant?
Bawling.
You might want to proofread it a few more times. Print it out, and read it out loud, find commas and stuff. A better conclusion might also do you some good. It doesn't seem to really wrap up the essay, it just sort of ends. Like a cliff hanger. It does really portray your character.
Good Luck!
Favorite books? Hmmm.
I'm not so sure about "Hmmm." I know it says that it should really reflect your personality and show be like "your voice", but I have tried to still make mine a bit formal-ish. It's really up to you, if you think it really adds to your essay.
Of course there is large amount. Though of course
Try not to use "Of course" as much. It makes it seem like the essay is repeating itself, even if it really isn't.
Yes, I
I think this needs a comma, but you might consider taking out the "Yes"
like I have watched the TV and movie adoptions of each of these books about a hundred times each.
"like" doesn't seem appropriate. I'd probably remove it.
You see, that is where I completely disagree.
The comma makes it better, but you might consider removing "You see." Again, the whole, don't use 'you' in papers.
You can say that I am a bit of a romantic
You could say? I think that sounds better, but use your judgement.
I love tojust see what
I love to see what.
next to Mr. Rochester!!!
I think 1 exclamation mark is sufficient.
Favorite author? Jane Austen, definitely.
My favourite author is without question Jane Austen. Or maybe, 'Jane Austen is without question/definitely my favourite author.' The question does add more personality though, so thats up to you what you want to get out of your essay.
what happened to them, what became of them
Redundant?
balling
Bawling.
You might want to proofread it a few more times. Print it out, and read it out loud, find commas and stuff. A better conclusion might also do you some good. It doesn't seem to really wrap up the essay, it just sort of ends. Like a cliff hanger. It does really portray your character.
Good Luck!