WarpedMonk
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 [3]
Hey Jenny, thanks for replying. I will be sure to improve the areas you mentioned!
Hey Jenny, thanks for replying. I will be sure to improve the areas you mentioned!
WarpedMonk
Nov 3, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 [3]
Hey guys,
I know it's a rough start, but please help me out. Advices and critiques are appreciated, even harsh ones.
Prompt #1
Being the eldest son in my family, who escaped from a war in Vietnam to the states, I knew that my life was going to be different than that of my peers. From as early as elementary school to high school, I was expected to achieve academic excellence. I knew that my parents escaped the destitute situation in order to provide my siblings and me a good and proper education; an education that they could never get. Even though they had good intentions in mind, I felt that Oakland's situation was no better. I grew up in a neighborhood that was filled with violence. My parent's situation were no better either, my dad was the only one employed meanwhile my mom stayed at home nurturing us.
The harsh reality has molded me into a person with a cautious personality. Very often, I would refuse to go out of my comfort zone. My area of comfort resided in the virtual world of computer gaming. I felt free in the gaming world, whereas in reality I was chained down. You could say that I was caught in the spider's web. The more I gamed, the less I paid attention to the real world. Even though my parents could hardly support my gaming addiction, I refused to budge and relentlessly bothered them for more and more money to upgrade my rig. I gamed religiously for a year and a half until my parents decided to lay down their will.
If not for my parent's intervention, I would have possibly ruined my life. I pretty much valued having fun, rather than my education. My parents have made me come to realize my love for computers. I would often upgrade my rig to stay up to date with the gaming standards. It is through my parents support that I realized my infatuation for building computers.
Coming from a world where I was pressured and supported from both my family and peers, played a crucial part in molding me into what I am today. My love for computers...
I'm really bad at writing and can't maintain that "flow".
Hey guys,
I know it's a rough start, but please help me out. Advices and critiques are appreciated, even harsh ones.
Prompt #1
Being the eldest son in my family, who escaped from a war in Vietnam to the states, I knew that my life was going to be different than that of my peers. From as early as elementary school to high school, I was expected to achieve academic excellence. I knew that my parents escaped the destitute situation in order to provide my siblings and me a good and proper education; an education that they could never get. Even though they had good intentions in mind, I felt that Oakland's situation was no better. I grew up in a neighborhood that was filled with violence. My parent's situation were no better either, my dad was the only one employed meanwhile my mom stayed at home nurturing us.
The harsh reality has molded me into a person with a cautious personality. Very often, I would refuse to go out of my comfort zone. My area of comfort resided in the virtual world of computer gaming. I felt free in the gaming world, whereas in reality I was chained down. You could say that I was caught in the spider's web. The more I gamed, the less I paid attention to the real world. Even though my parents could hardly support my gaming addiction, I refused to budge and relentlessly bothered them for more and more money to upgrade my rig. I gamed religiously for a year and a half until my parents decided to lay down their will.
If not for my parent's intervention, I would have possibly ruined my life. I pretty much valued having fun, rather than my education. My parents have made me come to realize my love for computers. I would often upgrade my rig to stay up to date with the gaming standards. It is through my parents support that I realized my infatuation for building computers.
Coming from a world where I was pressured and supported from both my family and peers, played a crucial part in molding me into what I am today. My love for computers...
I'm really bad at writing and can't maintain that "flow".
WarpedMonk
Oct 30, 2012
Writing Feedback / Ielts - "culture shock" - nowadays more people traveling around the world [5]
I think that your paragraph is clustered. You should try making a different paragraph for your examples.
I think that your paragraph is clustered. You should try making a different paragraph for your examples.
