Undergraduate / I had grown onstage; Common app/Significant Event/Experience [2]

Hi guys. This is what I wrote for my common app long essay. If you could help me out with any criticism or comments that would be great. Thanks in advance! :)

Prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Essay:
The art of performance is beautiful. The ability to captivate audiences and open their
minds to your own personal passions and talents is an amazing gift. To me, there can be no better
feeling than standing in front of an audience and performing, which makes it no surprise to know
that I have pursued many different forms of performance throughout my life. I have sung at
elementary school winter concerts, acted in various Shakespeare plays, danced the different
genres of ballet and jazz, and gave speeches as a part of student leadership. The best thing was
that I was good at these things. I excelled. I was in control. But at the beginning of high school, I
decided to take part in a new form of performance. One that would challenge the thriving
confidence I had grown onstage.

I had come to the school's band camp because many of my friends were involved in
music. I myself wasn't too musically inclined. After all, I had only played piano for two years,
and a piano wasn't much use on a marching band field. Regardless of my obvious lack of
musical talent, the staff took me in and I gladly followed. I was put on the marimba, a wood
keyboard instrument similar to the xylophone, and just as alien to me. There was so much I had
to learn-how to read the dots and lines on the paper in front of me, how to properly hold the
oddly shaped sticks in my hands, how to play soft...and loud! I was completely out of my
element, something I was not very accustomed to, and didn't like at all initially. However, the
instructors' patience with me, careful criticism, and the beckoning of the all-powerful
performance kept me in place and I continued to persevere in times of uncertainty and
embarrassment.

Four years later, I continue to learn and be amazed at the power of not only performance,
but music. I have worked my way up from a stumbling, unsure freshman to the senior in charge
of my section. Today, while I'm confident in my abilities as a musician and performer, I know
that there is much more left to learn, and I'm willing and ready to learn it. Because of my
experiences in the marching band, I have become a better role model to not only the incoming
students of the band, but also my peers and siblings as I encourage them to work hard through
the doubts, and to take risks. Being pushed out of my element into a world of things I didn't
know opened up my mind to the possibilities, and I have realized not only a passion for
performance, but a passion for learning new things and doing things I never thought possible.