Undergraduate / "That is the ugliest work of art ; Brown/ Something you created [5]

Hey! I think you have some great ideas here, and your organization is strong too. The weaknesses I see mainly stem from a lack of clarity in voice - you have great ideas, but some of them aren't expressed as well as they should be. I'm gonna copy-paste what you wrote, and use colors to highlight grammatical/voice changes I've made. Keep whichever ones you like, lose the ones you don't! It's your essay, and don't make any changes that you don't like.

PROMPT: I felt like I truly belonged when... (200 characters)

In an intricate ballet of unspoken communication, explosive strokes, aggressive volleys, and a spark of magic, Lauren and I proved our point. Game, set, and match. We were undeniably a doubles team.

Your articulation is beautiful, but I don't think you're addressing the question - and definitely not answering it adequately. I would recommend starting over, honestly. You don't mention 'belonging' or how doubles made you feel important. I know that 200 characters is hard, but you can do it by cutting out things like "explosive strokes, aggressive volleys, and a spark of magic," which sound good but do nothing to make your point.

PROMPT: What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why? (700 characters)

"That is the ugliest work of art - if you call it art- ever."

This quote is great, but doesn't really make sense gramatically. Yes, it is a direct quote, and you're not supposed to change those, but you're not a reporter, so I think you could get away with altering the wording as long as the message stays the same. "That is the ugliest work of 'art' I've ever seen." That's a lot more direct of a statement, and definitely preserves the original conviction.

My sister, the one-stroke-paint wonder (I would cut this clause) , disdainfully held up my clay creation, button nose crinkled in evident distaste. Truth be told, Mr. Tiki was ugly. An off-centered lumpy snout, pouty lips in an "O!" ; Baleful eyes glaring at me accusingly. "Why did you make hideous?"

"I love it!" My mother; the enduring advocate for misfits. She had a passion for salvaging- be it a frayed, patchwork quilt or a painting which made me cringe. She saw the beauty in contrast when others failed to notice. The end of that sentence doesn't make sense to me.

With her love, Mr. Tiki was oddly endearing, charming even. I re-examined my art, proud that I too could recognize the loveliness within the neglected. This statement is awkward - recast it.

PROMPT: A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education.
Why does this academic environment appeal to you? (700 characters)

In sixth grade, architecture was my career flavor of the month It seemed glamorous. Career flavor? For the month? Just say "In sixth grade, I envisioned a glamorous future as an architect. . "See that skyscraper? I built that."

However, I would change to "But after..." after discovering that I would be required to draw (I couldn't) and master high-level math (I wouldn't), I cast my short-lived dream aside.

Regardless, I remained (this should be present tense) attracted to the ability to create permanence; to leave a legacy. At Brown University, I can build something enduring: my education.

With Brown's 70 distinct concentrations, my design can take any form I choose. I can pursue International Relations, Development Studies, Health and Human Biology, Easily 94 characters. or even create an Independent Concentration in order to fulfill my goal: Global Health. I like what you're trying to do here, but cut the list and reference a few of your personal passions and how you can pursue them at Brown instead.

Architects are free to build what they love. At Brown, I too can combine my passions into one magnificent skyscraper.