Writing Feedback / Honours Social Work (privilege, power) [5]

hello i am doing a ba honours social work and failed my last assisgnment due to sentence structure and grammer please help!!!!
copy of the assisgnment task is
Analyse your own experiences of privilege, power and difference with reference to the ways in which your understanding of these has changed during the course of this module.

Demonstrate understanding about privilege and power by applying key reading to own experiences.Demonstrate development of critical perspective on own experiences of privilege and power. You should limit your discussion to one or two examples from your own experience.

Your essay should avoid being purely descriptive. Any descriptions should be brief and should lead into a discussion which addresses the marking criteria.

My assisgnment is now attached please give me advise HELP!!!

When I was young, I was always told that I was very intelligent, and I did amazingly well (academically) throughout my first years in elementary school. In 5th grade, I began to take advanced math courses, which propelled me to complete AP Statistics and Calculus in tenth grade. In high school I took interest in foreign languages, but I was growing alienated with my peers. I was bullied during my childhood, but in high school I began to react explosively. I was filled with anger and hatred, amazed by the ignorance of my peers and stunned by how authority figures misunderstood me. I began to feel alone, and had few true friends. I started to get in trouble, growing closer to the druggies and rebels who seemed to understand me. My attitude soon caused me to slack on homework and get terrible grades. I stopped caring about school, but through all my delinquency and felonious capers, I never lost my desire to make something of myself - I just was constantly held back by my own actions. When I finally chose to do Running Start at Whatcom Community College, I didn't do well and ended up withdrawing from my second quarter. I was kicked out of my house and then dropped completely out of high school. Shortly after, a drug dealer called Jack tried to mug me. As he waved his gun in my face, I denied him the money I was carrying. He was completely perplexed; he couldn't fathom what would bring me to say no when I had a gun in my face. Even though I was able to keep my money, this incident made me realize that I had no real future unless I changed. After getting charged with a felony, I knew I needed change. I knew there was a happier future along a more reformed path, and so I changed directions. I dropped drugs like a hot potato, realizing that the time for action was right then, while I still had the opportunity.

I moved back in with my parents thereafter. I quit my fast-food job, and began to work at a local small business. The owner, Jeff, taught me about the future consequences of one's actions. He showed me the value of hard work; a high school dropout himself, it was the second business he's owned. He taught me that no matter how hard it may be, it is important to surround myself with people who share the same work ethic and integrity that I did. He helped me become confident with my desire to succeed, and helped me emotionally separate from the friends of mine who held me back. And when it came down to it, the hardest part of all of it was leaving the culture of my friends. I saw that they were headed down a different path than me, and if I didn't stick to mine, I might never have found my way back. I began to change my ways and focus on what I really valued.

I got my GED that summer, and then re-enrolled at Ferndale High School, to get some first year prerequisites done at Whatcom Community College while getting my high school diploma. When I spoke to people I met about my close friend Sam, who had always stayed drug-free, I realized how many people respected him for his life choices. I realized that I could respect myself if I did the same, and that I actually could change the path I was on.

While there's no way I will ever forget the suffering I put myself through, there's also no way I will ever forget the lessons I learned. While I could easily whine about how hard it was to overcome my setbacks in the past, that's not how I view it. I learned firsthand about a completely different lifestyle that everyone in my childhood assumed that I would avoid merely because I was "smart". I began to learn how to study, getting a GPA of 3.45 in my first quarter back at WCC.

My journey has opened my eyes to the humanity of all people (even Jack) and my experiences have taught me more about life than any classroom ever could have. It has taught me how important willpower is in overcoming obstacles. My mistakes have revealed me the world as it truly is. I began to understand human behaviors far better than my peers, and I quickly realized that the path I choose matters very much. All things considered, I know education and hard work is the path for me.

I see a career as the true challenge - how far I can go, how hard I can push myself and how much I can accomplish. I see it as an endless game in which I can continually improve my standing. I don't want there to be a limit to where I can go - I want to be able to push myself forever upwards. I want to prove to myself and all of my peers that even through my juvenile delinquency, I have never lost my ability to interact with the mainstream, and have begun to prove myself though my actions, performance, and self-reform.

I want to use my intelligence to analyze data and make decisions, and after I spent time studying my career options, I decided to change from linguistics to business and economics. I view linguistics as being too restrictive. I realized that a career in Business Administration would interest me forever. I want to be able to use my passion for excellence in a career, and I want to be able to use my human understanding to help manage workers and guide people to find their own desire for excellence (and work towards that.) I want to be able to lead, and while I know being placed in a leadership position will take time, I know that I will be there eventually. I see working as part of a company's administration as something that will always challenge and interest me. I see it as a never ending game, one that will never have a cap on potential and one that will never become repetitive or boring.

I chose Economics as my second choice major because it is a developing field that takes into account many aspects of human society. It requires knowledge and understanding of both economic theory and human behavior, and I believe that I can use the field to investigate better ways of punishing criminals , while developing theories to help rehabilitate criminals. I do not believe imprisonment is the proper cure for every crime (as exemplified by our nation having the highest prison recidivism in the world), and I believe that the field of Economics can help the mainstream understand the underlying causes of criminal behavior, and consequently lead to the development of better counseling and treatments that will help the offenders both know why their actions were viewed as wrong, and what they can do to avoid putting themselves in those situations again.

I've always wanted to go to the UW, so when I learned that the Business School and Department of Economics had very well-respected programs, I was excited. My two best friends, Sam and Ryan attend UW, and I want to go as well because they were always good influences and emotionally supportive. Having them close would provide me with support as I finally make the move away from home, and also provide me with a great resource for any questions I had about the UW. Since Sam is enrolled in the business program, I would also know someone right off the bat whom I could go to for help.

All in all, the move away from my previous lifestyle was long and strenuous. The consequences of my actions were harsher than I ever imagined, yet I will never let them hold me back. I will forever work to improve myself, to become more accepting and knowledgeable, and to help others. I will never give up or accept obstacles as unconquerable. I've become who I want to be, and I will always strive to succeed. I know what I am capable of, and I want achieve my full potential.