Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Are Children given too much freedom? Children need a balance [6]

I have been practicing for IELTS. I would appreciate if someone could point out my grammar mistakes and give feedback about this essay. I am targeting to get 7 bands.

Q: Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work.

How do you think children should spend their free time?

In recent times, some people think that it is necessary to keep children's mind occupied. They also believe that they are given excessive freedom, so this time should be utilized more in learning from school. Although children can benefit from school, it is argued that children should involve in other necessary activities. This essay will analyse the benefits of involving in extracurricular activities and community service.

For one, if children spend their time involving in their personal hobby they are likely to gain more than learning in school for long hours. For example, playing outdoor sports can develop their physical and mental health. Along with this, they get ample opportunity to enhance their teamwork and problem solving skills. As this example illustrates, it is quite clear that children can learn a lot by involving in extracurricular activities.

In addition to this, children can involve in some community development work. To illustrate, in western countries children often involve in voluntary work as planting trees, helping aged community, and collecting donation. The participation in such community based work gives benefits to both society as well as children who gains practical knowledge about working in community. Thus, it is an advantage to involve in community service.

After analysing all the above statements, it is concluded that children should not be sent more in school. They should be involved in extracurricular activities and community service. It is thus hoped that parent's put this idea into practice for betterment of their children.