khassan
Jan 19, 2013
Undergraduate / TO SERVE OTHERS; What defines me: LEADERSHIP/SERVICE/LEARNING/GLOBAL AWARENESS [3]
I can see what kind of statements you are trying to make and the approach that you are attempting to utilize, and I like it. However, there is a lack of clarity and examples that would better transfer what you mean. I'm afraid I still don't know how to use the system to paste your words into my description, so I'll refer to everything by the order of your essay's paragraphs.
For the first paragraph, its not a very good idea to put yourself down. Not to mention the line is too long and "wordy". I agree with the previous comment and would remove it entirely from the essay.
I was surprised to find that what I owned was nothing that the media would consider worth writing a headline for or maybe something that my neighbor would do because it completed him as a human being.
The examples of the first paragraph feel very random. I understand that you fit a "description", but you have not clarified what the description is; what responsibilities or choices make you rise that early in the morning and spend so much time on the beach? Clarify that for the reader. And again, the sentences are a little wordy. Use your judgement and break down sentences that try to say too much at once.
In the second paragraph, you have a good outline for what you are trying to say. But there is an insufficient amount of detail. How did the Rotary help you develop all of these skill? What kinds of people, environment, tasks, and challenges did you face? What is it about that place that shaped you?
I believe the same follows through with the next paragraph: elaborate. Don't hesitate to tell your story by telling the reader what you believe is wrong, what hope for, and how you made your home a better place. Be specific about the actions you committed to and the moments that mattered.
After you've filled in the essay with real examples and details, take a second look at your conclusion and fill it up too. I very much enjoy the way it starts because it is clear, straightforward, and personal. However, the last line is too wordy, again, and too long. Again, break it down.
Personally, I have a straightforward default method for filling my conclusions. What I do is I write a line for each body paragraph that summarizes what each is about and I insert them into the conclusion paragraph, while maintaining consistency with the order of the essay (line about first paragraph comes before line about second paragraph). Maybe, you could give it a try.
I hope this offered some help!
I can see what kind of statements you are trying to make and the approach that you are attempting to utilize, and I like it. However, there is a lack of clarity and examples that would better transfer what you mean. I'm afraid I still don't know how to use the system to paste your words into my description, so I'll refer to everything by the order of your essay's paragraphs.
For the first paragraph, its not a very good idea to put yourself down. Not to mention the line is too long and "wordy". I agree with the previous comment and would remove it entirely from the essay.
The examples of the first paragraph feel very random. I understand that you fit a "description", but you have not clarified what the description is; what responsibilities or choices make you rise that early in the morning and spend so much time on the beach? Clarify that for the reader. And again, the sentences are a little wordy. Use your judgement and break down sentences that try to say too much at once.
In the second paragraph, you have a good outline for what you are trying to say. But there is an insufficient amount of detail. How did the Rotary help you develop all of these skill? What kinds of people, environment, tasks, and challenges did you face? What is it about that place that shaped you?
I believe the same follows through with the next paragraph: elaborate. Don't hesitate to tell your story by telling the reader what you believe is wrong, what hope for, and how you made your home a better place. Be specific about the actions you committed to and the moments that mattered.
After you've filled in the essay with real examples and details, take a second look at your conclusion and fill it up too. I very much enjoy the way it starts because it is clear, straightforward, and personal. However, the last line is too wordy, again, and too long. Again, break it down.
Personally, I have a straightforward default method for filling my conclusions. What I do is I write a line for each body paragraph that summarizes what each is about and I insert them into the conclusion paragraph, while maintaining consistency with the order of the essay (line about first paragraph comes before line about second paragraph). Maybe, you could give it a try.
I hope this offered some help!
