Posts by badwolf17

badwolf17

Mar 23, 2013

Research Papers / Diets impacting on American's quality of life ; Reseach Paper Draft [3]

According a CQ researcher article, there have been 2/3 of adults and 1/3 of children ether over weight or obsess in U.S. over the 40 years. Obviously, the overweight issues are like a bomb that shortening American's life as it related with so many diseases, such as heart disease, cancers, stroke, gallbladder diseases, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, respiratory problems etc. (Mantel 2010).

I took out the "written by Mantel" between article and there. I also removed the first "(Mantel 2010)" because you only need it once if you reference the same source in consecutive sentences.

Human's genes cannot change; however, environment can be modified which influence how human gene's distinct as food is one of vital component of environment.

I changed this sentence (took out "certainly" and "be") but the end of it is a little confusing. Were you trying to say that human gene's can respond to food, since food is part of our environment? Read over it once and see if you can make it a little clearer. :)

I would look over what you capitalize (some words are capitalized that do not need to be), your spacing (40 years instead of 40years), and read through it to clear up anything that might not be quite clear to the reader. Look at your paper from the reader's point of view and ask yourself, "Does this make sense?" To you it will, since you have become the expert on your topic, but the reader may need some clarification.

Other than that, your research and overall paper seem excellent! Well done, and I hope your grade is fantastic! :)

badwolf17

Jan 23, 2013

Undergraduate / U of M Community Essay: My Orchestra Family [3]

Following the prompt, can someone tell me how this essay sounds?
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

The conductor raises his hands and my fingers get ready on the strings. With one flick of his wrist, we have been transported In the Hall of the Mountain King. The cellos and bassoons begin, with deep notes as we pluck the strings. As the rest of the ensemble joins, our conductor increases the tempo. Before the audience knows what is happening, the orchestra has done a crescendo from pianissimo to fortissimo, creating chills along my arms. I am completely lost in the music, but my fingers move across the strings, finding the correct notes to play. With one final flourish across the strings, the piece is over. I look over at the audience and take a deep breath, wishing they could understand the magnificence of this moment.

Being in orchestra has allowed me to experience countless moments such as this, but orchestra is more than where I develop my skills on the cello. The students in my orchestra have become my second family and we assist each other with schoolwork and problems outside of school. During my four years in orchestra, I have built friendships and created memories that will last forever. Although we have become a very close group, there is always room for more members and we warmly welcome freshmen into the class. I assist the younger musicians in their studies, help them with their music, and encourage them to keep playing. Even after high school, I know that orchestra will be a part of my life.