Undergraduate / Successful entrepreneur in a business career; Exceptional talents - NUS admission [5]

Please help me to look through the essay as I have to submit it online by this month. Thanks. =)

Undergraduate / Successful entrepreneur in a business career; Exceptional talents - NUS admission [5]

This is my revised version of the 1st essay that I have posted.
Really need some help and advice on the grammar and the overall message.
Thanks so much.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------
During my school days, I had an ambitious dream to be a successful entrepreneur in a business career. With this aspiration, I enrolled myself earlier in CAT course and attained a Diploma in Business and Accounting from ACCA. In the Year 2006, I received awards for the 'Pelajar Cemerlang' by Yayasan Sarawak state government and continuously in Year 2009, 2010 and 2011 by the Red Crescent Society Johor Bahru branch. Furthermore, I realize physically fit, mentally alert and discipline are crucial in a leadership role and I am happy that I have my 2nd Dan WTF Taekwondo Black Belt and still participate in seminar and competition.

I had taken part in various activities which gave me great and amazing humanity experience. My leadership role in serving the Red Crescent Society and the National Service have taught and enlighten me good social skills, teamwork organization and invaluable vision in a lifetime. Most importantly, it gave me insight on my leadership skills. I enjoy meeting and interacting with people in a project, an organization, or an idea, and the opportunity to make them passionate about it, is exciting to me.

Being in Crescendo College, I successfully led my group to win first prize in the Young Entrepreneurs Project Challenge and achieved an A grade in my A-Level Business Studies.

My academic and personal achievements have helped to consolidate and support my desire to study Business at degree level. I look forward to be successfully selected for I wholeheartedly wish to increase my academic development and career progression.

Undergraduate / Successful entrepreneur in a business career; Exceptional talents - NUS admission [5]

Thanks for your advice. I will repost a revised version soon.
Here, with another focus in the essay, I wonder if this is a better one. Please give me some advices, thanks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------
It all began when I was selected to do my country National Service. At first, I was not much of a talker as I felt that I would just be an ordinary participant to ease myself. However I was approached by the 'Ketua Jurulatih' and was voted as the 'Ketua Wirawati'. Never would I have thought that I would be the one leading the groups of girls in my age. Surprisingly, I was delighted to be chosen as the leader with full confidence as I was once the contingent leader during my secondary school life in Red Crescent Society.

Of course, there were some obstacles during this task as there were people from different background and I need to remain calm to judge every matter. I emphasized on working together as a team and being a good follower. It was an exciting and amazing humanity experience, where I interacted with people from all walks of life. I was also awarded the best wirawati in the camp.

Furthermore, I realized that challenging myself and taking part in extracurricular activities do wonders for me. I was a 2nd Dan WTF Taekwondo Black Belt Holder and currenly still active in seminar and competition.

The National Service experience had taught me how to work in groups, improved my social skills, and opened my eyes to our nation. Most importantly, it gave me insight on my leadership skills. I learned that I have a passion for leadership. I enjoy meeting and interacting with people in a project, an organization, or an idea, and the opportunity to make them passionate about it, is exciting to me. Moreover at Crescendo College, I successfully lead my group to win first prize in the Young Entrepreneurs Project Challenge and achieved an A grade in my A-Level Business Studies.

In business, teamwork is both challenging and captivating. I wholeheartedly wished to learn how to manage all those people and lead them to succeed collectively.