yu0219
Feb 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / Where Children Should Grow Up; ENGLISH WRITING [3]
Hi, guys
I would like you to help me. I am not good at writing English essay.
Is there something wrong about grammar, or logical structure?
Where Children Should Grow Up
Today, a lot of families go to the city from the country, and some people who lived in the rural district say that it is worse for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. However, I do not think so. I think that parents should bring up their children in the countryside.
Opponents claim that the number of educational facilities is very small, so children cannot choose a good education for themselves. However, children can take good lessons because of the development of the Internet technology. People usually have devices with them that enable them to use the Internet, for example, personal computers, cell phones, and so on, so they can get a ideal education wherever they are, even if they are in the countryside.
Opponents also say that the rural district is getting depopulated because more and more people are deserting it for the cities. Because of that, the number of children in the countryside is smaller than that in a big city. Therefore, they can make fewer friends. It is not good for them. However, this insist is not true. Because of the development of the Internet, more children can use social networking services, for example, Twitter, Facebook, Mixi, and so on. If they can use such services, they can make many friends without meeting each other.
The final argument advanced by opponents is that children can see fewer jobs, for example, teacher, farmer, clerk at small shops, and so on. Accordingly, there are not so many occupations that children aim for. However, in the present, they can get much information about what they like and else on the Internet. Children can expand their interest by using the Internet.
For these three reasons, I insist it is better for children to grow up in the countryside.
Hi, guys
I would like you to help me. I am not good at writing English essay.
Is there something wrong about grammar, or logical structure?
Where Children Should Grow Up
Today, a lot of families go to the city from the country, and some people who lived in the rural district say that it is worse for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. However, I do not think so. I think that parents should bring up their children in the countryside.
Opponents claim that the number of educational facilities is very small, so children cannot choose a good education for themselves. However, children can take good lessons because of the development of the Internet technology. People usually have devices with them that enable them to use the Internet, for example, personal computers, cell phones, and so on, so they can get a ideal education wherever they are, even if they are in the countryside.
Opponents also say that the rural district is getting depopulated because more and more people are deserting it for the cities. Because of that, the number of children in the countryside is smaller than that in a big city. Therefore, they can make fewer friends. It is not good for them. However, this insist is not true. Because of the development of the Internet, more children can use social networking services, for example, Twitter, Facebook, Mixi, and so on. If they can use such services, they can make many friends without meeting each other.
The final argument advanced by opponents is that children can see fewer jobs, for example, teacher, farmer, clerk at small shops, and so on. Accordingly, there are not so many occupations that children aim for. However, in the present, they can get much information about what they like and else on the Internet. Children can expand their interest by using the Internet.
For these three reasons, I insist it is better for children to grow up in the countryside.
