appassionata
Feb 19, 2013
Undergraduate / "Space vs. place"; Reasons fro Transfer/ Objectives [8]
Thanks for the suggestions everyone!
Thanks for the suggestions everyone!
appassionata
Feb 16, 2013
Undergraduate / How I Will Engage Academically At Penn: A Smorgasbord of Programs [4]
I feel like you can condense many sentences because it seems like a lot of them are saying the same thing. Or you can be more specific about what kind of research you want to conduct.
I feel like you can condense many sentences because it seems like a lot of them are saying the same thing. Or you can be more specific about what kind of research you want to conduct.
appassionata
Feb 16, 2013
Undergraduate / How I Will Engage Academically At Penn: A Smorgasbord of Programs [4]
I like how you get straight to the subject and have very straight-forward reasoning as to why you are applying to Penn. However, I feel that your writing is a bit stoic and a bit cliche in that it's rather impersonal. You use the word "research" and "academic" very often, so it sounds very repetitive at times. I'd suggest using more voice, so that the admissions officer can get some insight about your personality as well.
Best of luck!
I like how you get straight to the subject and have very straight-forward reasoning as to why you are applying to Penn. However, I feel that your writing is a bit stoic and a bit cliche in that it's rather impersonal. You use the word "research" and "academic" very often, so it sounds very repetitive at times. I'd suggest using more voice, so that the admissions officer can get some insight about your personality as well.
Best of luck!
appassionata
Feb 16, 2013
Undergraduate / "Space vs. place"; Reasons fro Transfer/ Objectives [8]
Hi temberger93, thanks so much for your comments! I actually detail more specifics of why I want to apply to school Y in its supplement section, so for this essay I wanted to concentrate more on WHY I want to transfer. Thanks again!
Hi temberger93, thanks so much for your comments! I actually detail more specifics of why I want to apply to school Y in its supplement section, so for this essay I wanted to concentrate more on WHY I want to transfer. Thanks again!
appassionata
Feb 16, 2013
Undergraduate / "Space vs. place"; Reasons fro Transfer/ Objectives [8]
Hi all, I am a freshman applying as a transfer student. It's a rough draft, andI know it is rather long...suggestions are welcome as to how to condense it but still have all the essential bits and pieces. Thank you so much for your help!
Prompt: Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
*Note: "X" is the college I am currently attending, and "Y" is the university I am applying to (I'm only applying to one!), and "Z" stands for the neighboring city near my college. Thanks!
In my writing class last semester, we discussed the difference between a space and a place. We agreed that a "space" was a simple state of existence, while a "place" transforms that "space" through personal connections and emotions. Adjusting to college life was different than what I had expected. While some of my friends experienced pangs of homesickness for their hometowns, the homesickness I experienced was not for my house in ___,__, but for a sense of belonging and a home.
After a semester of college, I now have a good sense of how I want my education to form, and I'm not afraid to pursue them. There are some things that I admittedly really like about X, from extremely talented professors and a two-week shopping period to a free bike share program. However, Y University not only provides me with these aspects I've come to appreciate and enjoy, but it also provides me with even more facets that I know will greatly enhance my college experience.
College is a time for exploration. Given the size of X and the number of classes offered, I feel that the degree and distribution requirements limit what I am able to explore--I don't know how many times I've walked by people talking about how they are only taking a class for its distribution requirement, and I am disturbed that this will inevitably happen to me. And this policy bars me from taking classes in my other academic interests. I am a firm believer in student choice, and I know that Y does as well.
I want to attend a school that is invested and immersed in the surrounding community; a suburb of Z doesn't quite cut it. I now understand the meaning of the "X bubble." The immediate area lacks the energy and eclecticism of Z that I love so much. There's a sensation of separation and dilution, as if Wellesley has is a weak re-steeping in the tea leaves of Z. This is true not only on a solely social level, but also in a sense of connectedness to the world outside these 500 acres. After hurricane Sandy and snowstorm Nemo, X bounced back extremely quickly--but it was so easy to believe that everything was all right everywhere else. This aura of separation also applies to the campus itself. I believe that I should feel innately bonded to the school where I will be living for four years--I want it to be a place. X still is a block of space for me; I feel like I am asleep all day. I don't go back to bed--I'm just asleep. I fall in the rhythm and routine of walking to class, eating with friends, participating in activities. But I'm not satisfied with just being asleep, with just existing--I want to wake up.
Another vital part of college life, one that goes hand in hand with purpose and belonging, I think, is happiness. I've discovered that at X, the meaning of happiness is distorted--I have found students to be tense and cutthroat, which has evolved into grossly unfair altercations. Although rankings don't necessarily reflect absolute truth, Y has been ranked the number one happiest college by Princeton Review. I'm not naive enough to assume this means life will always be an eternal patch of sunshine once I walk through Y's gates, but it does makes me wonder if I've been truly happy at X.
Like every new college student, I am always told, "Your college years are some of the most amazing years of your live." As of now, I disagree. But should I settle prioritize complacence over happiness? I'm not going to give up that easily--I want to tell people how much I love the school that I attend. For my my final research paper in my writing class, I wrote on the meaning of home, which I defined as nostalgia for somewhere one longs to be. Years from now, I want to think back to these years and I want to be completely stricken with nostalgia because I knew, during these years, that my college was home.
Hi all, I am a freshman applying as a transfer student. It's a rough draft, andI know it is rather long...suggestions are welcome as to how to condense it but still have all the essential bits and pieces. Thank you so much for your help!
Prompt: Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
*Note: "X" is the college I am currently attending, and "Y" is the university I am applying to (I'm only applying to one!), and "Z" stands for the neighboring city near my college. Thanks!
In my writing class last semester, we discussed the difference between a space and a place. We agreed that a "space" was a simple state of existence, while a "place" transforms that "space" through personal connections and emotions. Adjusting to college life was different than what I had expected. While some of my friends experienced pangs of homesickness for their hometowns, the homesickness I experienced was not for my house in ___,__, but for a sense of belonging and a home.
After a semester of college, I now have a good sense of how I want my education to form, and I'm not afraid to pursue them. There are some things that I admittedly really like about X, from extremely talented professors and a two-week shopping period to a free bike share program. However, Y University not only provides me with these aspects I've come to appreciate and enjoy, but it also provides me with even more facets that I know will greatly enhance my college experience.
College is a time for exploration. Given the size of X and the number of classes offered, I feel that the degree and distribution requirements limit what I am able to explore--I don't know how many times I've walked by people talking about how they are only taking a class for its distribution requirement, and I am disturbed that this will inevitably happen to me. And this policy bars me from taking classes in my other academic interests. I am a firm believer in student choice, and I know that Y does as well.
I want to attend a school that is invested and immersed in the surrounding community; a suburb of Z doesn't quite cut it. I now understand the meaning of the "X bubble." The immediate area lacks the energy and eclecticism of Z that I love so much. There's a sensation of separation and dilution, as if Wellesley has is a weak re-steeping in the tea leaves of Z. This is true not only on a solely social level, but also in a sense of connectedness to the world outside these 500 acres. After hurricane Sandy and snowstorm Nemo, X bounced back extremely quickly--but it was so easy to believe that everything was all right everywhere else. This aura of separation also applies to the campus itself. I believe that I should feel innately bonded to the school where I will be living for four years--I want it to be a place. X still is a block of space for me; I feel like I am asleep all day. I don't go back to bed--I'm just asleep. I fall in the rhythm and routine of walking to class, eating with friends, participating in activities. But I'm not satisfied with just being asleep, with just existing--I want to wake up.
Another vital part of college life, one that goes hand in hand with purpose and belonging, I think, is happiness. I've discovered that at X, the meaning of happiness is distorted--I have found students to be tense and cutthroat, which has evolved into grossly unfair altercations. Although rankings don't necessarily reflect absolute truth, Y has been ranked the number one happiest college by Princeton Review. I'm not naive enough to assume this means life will always be an eternal patch of sunshine once I walk through Y's gates, but it does makes me wonder if I've been truly happy at X.
Like every new college student, I am always told, "Your college years are some of the most amazing years of your live." As of now, I disagree. But should I settle prioritize complacence over happiness? I'm not going to give up that easily--I want to tell people how much I love the school that I attend. For my my final research paper in my writing class, I wrote on the meaning of home, which I defined as nostalgia for somewhere one longs to be. Years from now, I want to think back to these years and I want to be completely stricken with nostalgia because I knew, during these years, that my college was home.
