Undergraduate / Inspiration at the Hospital- University of Washington Transfer Personal Statement [4]

Hi! I need someone to proofread my personal statement. My main concern is if my overall essay is okay. I feel as though I don't have a hook that will grab the readers attention. Also to check for grammar and awkward sentences please.

I did some major editing on my paper and I was hoping you could look over it again please.

Personal Statement

When I was a kid, I remember my admiration for the dentist whom I used to visit for getting my teeth cleaned. I was so fond of his attentive caring manner that inspired me also to be caring and helpful to people when they are sick. As time passed by I developed a strong passion for becoming a doctor. My passion drove me to take a class that my high school offered. Health Science was a class where I became a nursing assistant. In the beginning of the course, my teacher told the class that we would go to the hospital but not until spring. I was disappointed, however, the class kept me busy. To ready ourselves for the hospital, we went to nursing home to practice taking vital signs and caring for the patients. Finally, the day came. Once I entered the massive building I was enticed. The cleanliness and the serenity along with the bustling and hustling of patients and family members and nurses were alluring that I was determined to become a doctor.

The summer before freshman year of college started, my parents wanted to divorce. I remembered my mom breaking the news to me. Her tired eyes and pale face masked with a reassuring smile that everything was going to be fine. After that nothing was the same. The shouting and screaming coming from the closed doors were frequent and frightening. My father was becoming distant as he rarely spoke a word to me when I saw him. Day to Day I picked my brothers up from school, raced home to do homework and to cook dinner. Despite my hectic schedule, my thoughts often wandered to my mother. When she returned home from work, she helped my brothers with her homework. She rarely had time for herself. Melancholy, I tried my best to be optimistic as I watched her.

The New Year's came and my parents called off the divorce. They were able to reconcile. Hearing this I was relived, however, not as jubilant as I thought I would be. I no longer heard them fight, but my days still continued with the same routine of going to school, picking my brothers up, going to work, doing homework, and chores. Tiredly, I wondered if I was able to continue doing this. Every day felt like another day. No fun, no exhilaration, no adventures. Time was valuable yet unimportant. Every little second was spent pondering about my future and my career as I saw bleakness. My determination to be a doctor was gone as I did not feel competent. My lethargic body plopped on the couch when I returned from school. Homework was done late at night. The constant thought of my life and the sadness of being lost occupied my brain before slumber. It was not until the end of August when I found what I wanted to do.

My brother developed a fever that persisted for three days; he vomited several times. He hobbled with his slouched back and hands placed on his stomach. Finally, he sought medical attention and was diagnosed with appendicitis. Quickly, he was admitted to the hospital and the surgeon performed appendectomy. He was hospitalized for five day. My family was told that his appendix ruptured and the infected area had a large amount of puss seeping out, so he was require to stay a couple of days to have the doctors monitor his recovery. I spent most of my time at the hospital that week. Each visit was a different experience. I observed the nurse as they changed my brother's IV and take his vital signs. Curiously I asked them about their job and if they liked it. As they explained to me their occupation, I imagined myself as a nurse working at the hospital. I was ecstatic as I pondered about it. I was not certain though; it was an occupation I was considering. Then one night my brother had a terrible reaction to the medicine he took to alleviate his fever. I stood there speechless as he vomited. I stared as the nurse assisted him before I hastily left the room. Calmly and patiently, she patted his back and reassured him that he was fine. I was taken aback, I questioned myself as to why I could not have stayed and helped my brother. Her simple gestured inspired me to be a nurse. Her personality was not something I saw outside of the hospital.

So for fall quarter I quickly dropped out of Biology and registered for Anatomy and Physiology. I began to exercise and sleep early. My depressive thoughts left and I felt better knowing that I had a dream to work towards. I began searching for volunteer opportunities at hospitals and clinics. Even though I did not want to be a pediatrician, I want to work at the Mother-Baby unit because like the nurses at the hospital, I want to help babies stay when they are sick.

I would like to attend University of Washington as I am interested in the Doctor of Nursing degree program. I believe that this program will further challenge and strengthen my skills to becoming a nurse. The program includes different fields of nursing. The one that interests me the most is the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner. This program consists of five quarters of clinical experiences and schooling. People get to learn about specialized care for children and adolescents, leadership in health care, and research for current practices. My future career goal is to be able to work at a hospital and work as a Nurse Practitioner. My experience with my brother at the hospital has allowed me to view the hospital as a potential work place as it is busy and serene. Not only will I meet new people, but I can become acquainted with them.

Thank you for taking the time to look through my applications.