rh95616
Mar 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / It is important for travellers and business people to understand the cultures [3]
hello there ! generally, a good job but I'd like to point out some things.
People know what you're going to talk about in your essay (they set it for you, remember?) So you can probably eliminate "The essay below will draw some point to make clear this issue." :)
some gramatical errors/ better wording suggestions:
1. from "The obvious things" to something like "It is obvious that your awareness..."
2. from "the Indonesian can consider you like an arrogant act" to something like "an Indonesian can consider it an arrogant act..."
3. from "Moreover, it is comfortable to communicate, chat and open your relationship" to something like "Overall, it is much more comfortable to converse, communicate and trigger a positive relationship"
4. from "When you meet an American at first time, it will make sure that instead of be surprised and not done anything if they say "hello" and smile, you will wave your hand and smile to them." to something like "When you meet an American for the first time, they will greet you so it would be a common act to wave your hand and smile as a response."
also, perhaps some Society and Culture terms like "ethnocentric" which means judging one culture with the standards of another culture. Micro World (which is your personal world e.g. family, friends, etc) and Macro World (which is the "big" outside world like the government, media etc) and add some cross cultural components.
best of luck!
hello there ! generally, a good job but I'd like to point out some things.
People know what you're going to talk about in your essay (they set it for you, remember?) So you can probably eliminate "The essay below will draw some point to make clear this issue." :)
some gramatical errors/ better wording suggestions:
1. from "The obvious things" to something like "It is obvious that your awareness..."
2. from "the Indonesian can consider you like an arrogant act" to something like "an Indonesian can consider it an arrogant act..."
3. from "Moreover, it is comfortable to communicate, chat and open your relationship" to something like "Overall, it is much more comfortable to converse, communicate and trigger a positive relationship"
4. from "When you meet an American at first time, it will make sure that instead of be surprised and not done anything if they say "hello" and smile, you will wave your hand and smile to them." to something like "When you meet an American for the first time, they will greet you so it would be a common act to wave your hand and smile as a response."
also, perhaps some Society and Culture terms like "ethnocentric" which means judging one culture with the standards of another culture. Micro World (which is your personal world e.g. family, friends, etc) and Macro World (which is the "big" outside world like the government, media etc) and add some cross cultural components.
best of luck!