vivimcdtra
Jul 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Depression...and a disorder. Personal Statement 1 / World I come from [2]
Hi, How do I reword my essay to fit the 500 maximum? How do I change this to fit the prompt and to answer it correctly? Am I running on and on about family and life when I am suppose to talk about my dreams and aspirations?
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I have developed three families throughout the years, my immediate family, my church, and my Upward Bound group. I was born into a Roman Catholic, traditional, Vietnamese - Filipino - African-American mixed family with two parents and three younger siblings. My father has never been involved with the things I have done in my life, especially relating to school and primarily serves as the financially unstable disciplinary figure which my siblings and myself fear. My mother is my influence, my role model, and the mother and father figure. As the eldest daughter of four children, I have taken on the responsibilities to help cook, clean, wash the clothes, and take care of my siblings.
The worst began during in my eighth grade year. I kept my feelings to myself. I wanted to shut the world out and I no longer wanted to live. I learned to smile to make others happy. And I felt like people around me telling me that they loved me was a lie. I had trust issues because I have been cheated and lied to for trusting people when I shouldn't have. My mom suspected something there was wrong. My habits and my personality changed. She started taking me to see a psychiatrist every Saturday morning. My psychiatrist diagnosed me as a patient with depression and ADHD. I could not trust my psychiatrist with confidentially. My mom knew all my problems confront me about them.
During my freshman year, I went to the high school where all my middle school classmates were planning on attending. I thought I could trust my friend who appeared to be sweet girl. I was wrong. She blurted all my problems and issues out to the entire school, ruining my life. At the end of my freshman year, I was about to commit suicide then, but I realized I could not because of the people around me who truly love me which I wanted to believe. No one believed or really knew that I always felt depressed and sad until the day, I tried to commit suicide.
In my sophomore year, I transferred out to another school where I had acquaintances I knew from elementary school. In school, I could not focus. I struggled with paying attention in class and became easily distracted, which caused my grades to slip more than I expected. My mother was always worried and complained that I would not graduate high school because of that. I befriended some of my church friends that went to the same school I did, I joined clubs, and I joined the Junior Varsity swim team.
Because I started being involved in my church becoming a Saturday Catholic Bible school catechist aide and a retreat leader, I found myself a second family. At retreats, I would communicate, teach the children to have good faith in God, and tell them they would be rewarded if they were to believe in him. All my church friends were like the older brothers and older sisters, I never had. The deacon and his wife were like my step - parents. They were supportive and attended to one of the most important milestones of my life - Confirmation. Confirmation is the sacrament when teenagers my age receive the Holy Spirit. I believe that if I did not join my church group, I would not have gained good friends and parents.
I have found myself a third family during school, when I joined the Westminster Upward Bound program for college-bound students. The coordinators of the program are like my mothers. They talk to us as if we are friends, but if it is about school and grades, they make sure we stay on track. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make any friends when I first joined, but I was amazed at how many friends I made; especially, I was also happy that my good friend, the only person I trust joined the program with me.
When I was asked what I wanted to do after high school, I could not reply. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I have researched for over 3 months and finally have decided to become a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthesist (CRNA). I have chosen this career because I loved that nurses take care of our health, but as a CRNA, I could help patients cope with the pain during a surgery (a pain different from my depression, but I would still be able to help).
I had also joined the Junior Varsity water polo team, following the Varsity swim team, during my junior year and I met someone special person, my best friend who had helped me and encouraged me. At first he didn't know me, but could read me like a book just by looking at me. He always tried to talk to me, but I did not want to trust him. He felt empathy for the fact that I had depression and ADHD. He witnessed the time where I almost attempted suicide for the second time. He went through thick and thin to try help me, protect me, and he was straightforward with me about everything.
I still have troubles with my ADHD, but I no longer have depression. I have more self-esteem and self-confidence in myself to soar above and beyond, all thanks to the families who have accepted me for who I am. I believe that everything happened for a reason and without them, I don't think I would be here today.
Hi, How do I reword my essay to fit the 500 maximum? How do I change this to fit the prompt and to answer it correctly? Am I running on and on about family and life when I am suppose to talk about my dreams and aspirations?
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I have developed three families throughout the years, my immediate family, my church, and my Upward Bound group. I was born into a Roman Catholic, traditional, Vietnamese - Filipino - African-American mixed family with two parents and three younger siblings. My father has never been involved with the things I have done in my life, especially relating to school and primarily serves as the financially unstable disciplinary figure which my siblings and myself fear. My mother is my influence, my role model, and the mother and father figure. As the eldest daughter of four children, I have taken on the responsibilities to help cook, clean, wash the clothes, and take care of my siblings.
The worst began during in my eighth grade year. I kept my feelings to myself. I wanted to shut the world out and I no longer wanted to live. I learned to smile to make others happy. And I felt like people around me telling me that they loved me was a lie. I had trust issues because I have been cheated and lied to for trusting people when I shouldn't have. My mom suspected something there was wrong. My habits and my personality changed. She started taking me to see a psychiatrist every Saturday morning. My psychiatrist diagnosed me as a patient with depression and ADHD. I could not trust my psychiatrist with confidentially. My mom knew all my problems confront me about them.
During my freshman year, I went to the high school where all my middle school classmates were planning on attending. I thought I could trust my friend who appeared to be sweet girl. I was wrong. She blurted all my problems and issues out to the entire school, ruining my life. At the end of my freshman year, I was about to commit suicide then, but I realized I could not because of the people around me who truly love me which I wanted to believe. No one believed or really knew that I always felt depressed and sad until the day, I tried to commit suicide.
In my sophomore year, I transferred out to another school where I had acquaintances I knew from elementary school. In school, I could not focus. I struggled with paying attention in class and became easily distracted, which caused my grades to slip more than I expected. My mother was always worried and complained that I would not graduate high school because of that. I befriended some of my church friends that went to the same school I did, I joined clubs, and I joined the Junior Varsity swim team.
Because I started being involved in my church becoming a Saturday Catholic Bible school catechist aide and a retreat leader, I found myself a second family. At retreats, I would communicate, teach the children to have good faith in God, and tell them they would be rewarded if they were to believe in him. All my church friends were like the older brothers and older sisters, I never had. The deacon and his wife were like my step - parents. They were supportive and attended to one of the most important milestones of my life - Confirmation. Confirmation is the sacrament when teenagers my age receive the Holy Spirit. I believe that if I did not join my church group, I would not have gained good friends and parents.
I have found myself a third family during school, when I joined the Westminster Upward Bound program for college-bound students. The coordinators of the program are like my mothers. They talk to us as if we are friends, but if it is about school and grades, they make sure we stay on track. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make any friends when I first joined, but I was amazed at how many friends I made; especially, I was also happy that my good friend, the only person I trust joined the program with me.
When I was asked what I wanted to do after high school, I could not reply. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I have researched for over 3 months and finally have decided to become a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthesist (CRNA). I have chosen this career because I loved that nurses take care of our health, but as a CRNA, I could help patients cope with the pain during a surgery (a pain different from my depression, but I would still be able to help).
I had also joined the Junior Varsity water polo team, following the Varsity swim team, during my junior year and I met someone special person, my best friend who had helped me and encouraged me. At first he didn't know me, but could read me like a book just by looking at me. He always tried to talk to me, but I did not want to trust him. He felt empathy for the fact that I had depression and ADHD. He witnessed the time where I almost attempted suicide for the second time. He went through thick and thin to try help me, protect me, and he was straightforward with me about everything.
I still have troubles with my ADHD, but I no longer have depression. I have more self-esteem and self-confidence in myself to soar above and beyond, all thanks to the families who have accepted me for who I am. I believe that everything happened for a reason and without them, I don't think I would be here today.