Writing Feedback / IELTS:Competition or Co-operation should children learn? 'future career' [7]

hello every body,
I am Gehan.
first , thanks for this helpful forum
second, i am preparing to ielts and i want to share in this forum.
i hope someone give me feedback and score of my first essay here.
thanks again

The topic:
Some people think that the sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss

Learning and rising children, is an important concern which every parent is concerned about. Some of them asking whether they should teach children to be co-operative people or should prepare them to be more competitive . However, I try here to explain the importance of both characters.

Family and school should teach the pupils how to be co-operative. At home, mother should try to instruct her son to make his bed and share with house chores. Father also, can try to teach his daughter to help her young brother to tie his shoes. On the other hand, teachers can ask students to achieve some tasks in groups. For example, ask students to make a project about the problems of their community. Also, educators can encourage students to play some educational games which need team work. All these activities can grow the co-operation spirit in the kid and make him a helpful person. So, everyone would help this helpful person. And people around these personality will appreciate him.

Teachers and parents, also, can enhance the competition skill in their new generation. Teachers can get some prizes for excellent students, or may make an honor list for priors students. Parents on the other hand, can give their offspring some incentives and gifts to encourage them to do their best. These enhancements from parents and educators can play a central role in a child personality. This skill will help him in his future career. He can impress his employer , then he can get higher position or higher salary.

In consequence, parents and teacher need to teach new generation co-operation and competitive to be effective people in their society.