IELTS:Competition or Co-operation should children learn? 'future career'

hello every body,
I am Gehan.
first , thanks for this helpful forum
second, i am preparing to ielts and i want to share in this forum.
i hope someone give me feedback and score of my first essay here.
thanks again

The topic:
Some people think that the sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss

Learning and rising children, is an important concern which every parent is concerned about. Some of them asking whether they should teach children to be co-operative people or should prepare them to be more competitive . However, I try here to explain the importance of both characters.

Family and school should teach the pupils how to be co-operative. At home, mother should try to instruct her son to make his bed and share with house chores. Father also, can try to teach his daughter to help her young brother to tie his shoes. On the other hand, teachers can ask students to achieve some tasks in groups. For example, ask students to make a project about the problems of their community. Also, educators can encourage students to play some educational games which need team work. All these activities can grow the co-operation spirit in the kid and make him a helpful person. So, everyone would help this helpful person. And people around these personality will appreciate him.

Teachers and parents, also, can enhance the competition skill in their new generation. Teachers can get some prizes for excellent students, or may make an honor list for priors students. Parents on the other hand, can give their offspring some incentives and gifts to encourage them to do their best. These enhancements from parents and educators can play a central role in a child personality. This skill will help him in his future career. He can impress his employer , then he can get higher position or higher salary.

In consequence, parents and teacher need to teach new generation co-operation and competitive to be effective people in their society.

Hi Gehan...Welcome to EF!
First, I wish to tell you a few forum rules; Post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. Also, include the purpose (in this case - IELTS) in your title so that others can provide you with task specific feedbacks. :)


Home and school are the two places that influence our character the most.


... teachers too teach ethics.
They are the places where we learn ethics and have our value systems formed.
Well... your prompt speaks of competition and cooperation in children. Therefore the above sentences are not very much aligned with your topic. Your primary task here is to introduce the topic to the reader and then state your opinion.

Hi Gehan,

Welcome to the forum.
Good news is that I hardly see grammar issues on your essay. I do notice that you have to
work on some punctuation usage. Please be particular on punctuation - spacing rules, it should
be word+no space+punctuation+space+next word.Here are examples of the errors I found:




In addition, try to stick with common forms of punctuation such as period,comma,question mark, etc..
Usage of uncommon symbols like in your case, the greater than sign, tend to make your essay less formal.

The bad news and maybe the most determining factor of your essay is that you did not answer the essay prompt
very well. Your essay should be about the advantages of developing sense of competition in children, the advantages
of learning cooperation, and why do you think that some people believe the latter is more effective than the former in molding
the young ones into useful adults. The theories you have mentioned is emphasizing more on comparing the things you learn
at home and school. This is task response and most examiners are keen on this criteria.

Hope this helps...

gmad06
thanks a lot for your response
and i am sorry for non regulation i will take care next time.
i try to avoid my mistakes . then i will write another essay for the same question (here).
thanks again.

gmad06
thanks for your response i will try to stick with the topic and write the essay again

You need to learn and/or practice a few grammar basics before you go too much farther.

Start by looking up the term "subject-verb agreement."

For example...


...should be

each one plays

I think a good way for you to start is reading valuable articles on the internet.
You could also go through previous essays posted in this forum, do notice how they were
corrected by other forumers too.