PenAndLens
Jul 23, 2013
Undergraduate / In the eyes of the people we helped, we are truly heroes; Heroism [2]
This is a great essay showing discovery, growth, maturation, and a little bit of adventure through an eye-opening experience. So I've read a lot about college admissions essays (I'm applying to undergrad this year too) and of the piles of advice I've gotten, there's always one that remains consistent throughout, and that's you have to be unique.
Going back to your essay: You mentioned a lot of background on the Rotary program, which is good. Details give authenticity and personalizes your essay. But instead of coming right out in the opening and telling your audience, "it is the one that has opened my eyes", try to show exactly how it did that through your experiences and post-program reflections there. It'll make the essay more cohesive, believable, less generic, and show your depth as well.
Try to avoid ambiguous pronouns, ex: "...they spent time with them" who spent time with whom?
The anecdotes that you slip into the writing can be very touching. For example, children lacking the most basic necessities like footwear and having to walk mile long trek to school barefoot everyday can be heartwrenching. When you experienced this sight, what were some of your feelings? Try to tug on the audience's heartstrings (by choosing more wisely for sentence structure, detailed descriptions, etc.) by bringing these tiny but powerfully influential experiences out. You can try to just focus on one or two events that happened at the Rotary program but nevertheless impacted you in profound ways. It'll make your "transformation" in the end seem less forced and more authentic.
You could also try to throw in your understanding of heroism and link it back to the Rotary program *subtly* (for the purpose of answering the prompt more directly).
The thoughts going on in the last paragraphs are good. Try to expound upon those. This is your chance to show admissions what you learned from an opportunity like this.
I'm not sure what caliber schools you intend to target (reach, safety, or within your scope) but if you're aiming for those reach schools, keep in mind that many other applicants may have also been through similar camps, non-profits, mission trips, or other volunteer places so admissions will potentially get many essays with similar content and nearly indistinguishable answers (helping others is heroic, heroism means being selfless and placing the common interest of others before self, yada yada). You can stand out by making your experience more personal and thoughtful. Overall, the story arc is coming along great. It has much potential!
This is a great essay showing discovery, growth, maturation, and a little bit of adventure through an eye-opening experience. So I've read a lot about college admissions essays (I'm applying to undergrad this year too) and of the piles of advice I've gotten, there's always one that remains consistent throughout, and that's you have to be unique.
Going back to your essay: You mentioned a lot of background on the Rotary program, which is good. Details give authenticity and personalizes your essay. But instead of coming right out in the opening and telling your audience, "it is the one that has opened my eyes", try to show exactly how it did that through your experiences and post-program reflections there. It'll make the essay more cohesive, believable, less generic, and show your depth as well.
Try to avoid ambiguous pronouns, ex: "...they spent time with them" who spent time with whom?
The anecdotes that you slip into the writing can be very touching. For example, children lacking the most basic necessities like footwear and having to walk mile long trek to school barefoot everyday can be heartwrenching. When you experienced this sight, what were some of your feelings? Try to tug on the audience's heartstrings (by choosing more wisely for sentence structure, detailed descriptions, etc.) by bringing these tiny but powerfully influential experiences out. You can try to just focus on one or two events that happened at the Rotary program but nevertheless impacted you in profound ways. It'll make your "transformation" in the end seem less forced and more authentic.
You could also try to throw in your understanding of heroism and link it back to the Rotary program *subtly* (for the purpose of answering the prompt more directly).
The thoughts going on in the last paragraphs are good. Try to expound upon those. This is your chance to show admissions what you learned from an opportunity like this.
I'm not sure what caliber schools you intend to target (reach, safety, or within your scope) but if you're aiming for those reach schools, keep in mind that many other applicants may have also been through similar camps, non-profits, mission trips, or other volunteer places so admissions will potentially get many essays with similar content and nearly indistinguishable answers (helping others is heroic, heroism means being selfless and placing the common interest of others before self, yada yada). You can stand out by making your experience more personal and thoughtful. Overall, the story arc is coming along great. It has much potential!
