ohmygoshessay
Aug 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / Generation gap between ours and our parents [5]
While my generation are always busy; therefore we eat fast food, communicate by Skype or Email, go on a vacation by airplane, and buy and order items online.
Shorten this sentence. It is a run on. Also, "While" and "therefore" contradict. You should say "Meanwhile, my generation seems to be always busy. Therefore, instead of doing as my parents have done, we..."
This way, your essay sounds more concise and less wordy.
There is also a lot of misuse of the semicolon ( ; ) in your essay. Please try to review the grammar rules associated with semicolons. Semicolons are not generally used very often, especially in academic essays. It is more formal to use commas, periods, and dashes to separate information.
Also, rule of thumb for grammar is that if a sentence contains more than 40 words/three lines, you need to edit it.
Good luck. :)
Shorten this sentence. It is a run on. Also, "While" and "therefore" contradict. You should say "Meanwhile, my generation seems to be always busy. Therefore, instead of doing as my parents have done, we..."
This way, your essay sounds more concise and less wordy.
There is also a lot of misuse of the semicolon ( ; ) in your essay. Please try to review the grammar rules associated with semicolons. Semicolons are not generally used very often, especially in academic essays. It is more formal to use commas, periods, and dashes to separate information.
Also, rule of thumb for grammar is that if a sentence contains more than 40 words/three lines, you need to edit it.
Good luck. :)
