Trisha
Aug 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Service Academy Nomination Essay - "Why do you Want to Attend a Service Academy?" [2]
Hi, the essay looks good considering you wrote it in half an hour!
I'm a little unsure about this line (I believe that the culture of excellence and the notion that mediocrity is a complete tragedy is entirely beautiful.)
Do look into that.
(The challenge of succeeding in the rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations creates some of the finest men possible, men who's hands will eventually hold the lives of others.) You also could write it as " The rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations challenges us to succeed through these pressures. This eventually forges some of the finest and dedicated men on whom lives of other people would depend.
The last paragraph needs to be reined in a bit. The second part of the sentence ( , however, like they pale in comparison to another part of it.) is a bit distracting as I instantly
start looking for the other part which comes later. So maybe you could introduce it and then continue explaining it.
This is just a suggestion but if possible don't mention other people and how you feel compared to them.
Focus on your aspirations and what drives you to attend a Service Academy.
Otherwise its an honest and driven essay and I wish you luck :)
Hi, the essay looks good considering you wrote it in half an hour!
I'm a little unsure about this line (I believe that the culture of excellence and the notion that mediocrity is a complete tragedy is entirely beautiful.)
Do look into that.
(The challenge of succeeding in the rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations creates some of the finest men possible, men who's hands will eventually hold the lives of others.) You also could write it as " The rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations challenges us to succeed through these pressures. This eventually forges some of the finest and dedicated men on whom lives of other people would depend.
The last paragraph needs to be reined in a bit. The second part of the sentence ( , however, like they pale in comparison to another part of it.) is a bit distracting as I instantly
start looking for the other part which comes later. So maybe you could introduce it and then continue explaining it.
This is just a suggestion but if possible don't mention other people and how you feel compared to them.
Focus on your aspirations and what drives you to attend a Service Academy.
Otherwise its an honest and driven essay and I wish you luck :)
