This is my first thread, so bear with me! I'm applying for both the USNA and the USAFA. This is my essay for a nomination. All my representative and both congressmen use the same prompt of 500 words or less. I just whipped this up in the car in about 30 minutes so there is a long way to go yet.
Why I Want to Attend a Service Academy
It wasn't until recently that I even knew what the academies were. They were something brought up in passing, and from that point on I was enamored. I had found the perfect blend of what I expected from my college education, and here it is.
The kind of people who attend the academy are some of the most outstanding in our nation. Part of the appeal is serving alongside outstanding individuals who, as a cohesive unit, create the greatest force of men and women in the world. The academy will prepare me not only to be the best that I can be, but help me lead others to become the best they can be. I believe that the culture of excellence and the notion that mediocrity is a complete tragedy is entirely beautiful. In addition to the moral and leadership benefits, there are more worldly perks, all of which are incredibly substantial.
The education at a service academy is world class. I know that what makes this education special is not only the nuts and bolts of mathematics, but the total package. The challenge of succeeding in the rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations creates some of the finest men possible, men who's hands will eventually hold the lives of others. I find both the challenge and the reward exceptional, but there is so much more to it all.
The prestige of the academies, the financial benefits, and the career opportunities are without a doubt attractive, however, they pale in comparison to another part of it. I believe you all would understand better than most the importance of service. It is in being a representative of the people, a supporter of that person, or an armed forces service member that makes every one of you a servant of our country. We were all born and raised in the greatest country on earth, made so by men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice and spilled their blood in a cause so great and dear to their hearts that it was entirely worth it. This fact does not fall lightly upon me like it does so many others, which is why I owe my life, liberty, and my right to pursue happiness entirely to this great country. It is in things like September 11th or Benghazi that I feel sad and eventually outraged like many others. The difference is that these things do not fade from my mind. They are as great a travesty now as they were then, and most people do not feel that way. It has become only a memory for many. I believe there is no better way to do right by the people who made this country great than to attend a service academy and serve to keep both their dreams and mine for a prosperous America alive.
Thank you for all your help!
Hi, the essay looks good considering you wrote it in half an hour!
I'm a little unsure about this line (I believe that the culture of excellence and the notion that mediocrity is a complete tragedy is entirely beautiful.)
Do look into that.
(The challenge of succeeding in the rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations creates some of the finest men possible, men who's hands will eventually hold the lives of others.) You also could write it as " The rigorous academics while balancing PT and other leadership obligations challenges us to succeed through these pressures. This eventually forges some of the finest and dedicated men on whom lives of other people would depend.
The last paragraph needs to be reined in a bit. The second part of the sentence ( , however, like they pale in comparison to another part of it.) is a bit distracting as I instantly
start looking for the other part which comes later. So maybe you could introduce it and then continue explaining it.
This is just a suggestion but if possible don't mention other people and how you feel compared to them.
Focus on your aspirations and what drives you to attend a Service Academy.
Otherwise its an honest and driven essay and I wish you luck :)