blairann1996
Sep 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Essay Title: Something Different That Day [3]
You used some strange word choices "quarter minutes" the quarter word seems unnecessary
i would change the verb "I sat on the same seat..." to something more descriptive like "I flopped down onto the same seat that had been mine for years next to my best friend."
I would suggest starting a new sentence there as well bc the punctuation with "well" is odd
your sentence about "It was the same bus I got onto everyday" is redundant
give your bus friend a name to make it seem more personal
You misused the word "nevertheless" you would only use that word if you did get off normally not if something different happened
"I tried to free myself (but) they placed a weapon on my neck
No one on the bus moved (but) from the back, my friend (told) me to calm down and obey them(,) (so) I did. ---- some suggested replacements
(and) dusk beg(a)n to appear
try to read over the essay again yourself because a lot of the verb tenses don't match messing with the chronology of the story line
You used some strange word choices "quarter minutes" the quarter word seems unnecessary
i would change the verb "I sat on the same seat..." to something more descriptive like "I flopped down onto the same seat that had been mine for years next to my best friend."
I would suggest starting a new sentence there as well bc the punctuation with "well" is odd
your sentence about "It was the same bus I got onto everyday" is redundant
give your bus friend a name to make it seem more personal
You misused the word "nevertheless" you would only use that word if you did get off normally not if something different happened
"I tried to free myself (but) they placed a weapon on my neck
No one on the bus moved (but) from the back, my friend (told) me to calm down and obey them(,) (so) I did. ---- some suggested replacements
(and) dusk beg(a)n to appear
try to read over the essay again yourself because a lot of the verb tenses don't match messing with the chronology of the story line