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Posts by anoopam
Name: rachit s mehta
Joined: Oct 14, 2013
Last Post: Oct 22, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America
School: West Windsor Plainsboro HSN

Displayed posts: 5
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anoopam   
Oct 16, 2013
Undergraduate / I am from India, the 17th most diverse country in the world;Rutgers is a vibrant community [6]

This is the Final Rough Draft of my College Essay. I know it could still use a lot of editing that's why I need your guys' help!

Thank you!
Rutgers Essay:
Prompt:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Essay:
I was born and raised in the 17th most diverse country in the world, India. Its culture and diversity shaped 13 years of my life where I learned to sharpen my interests in music, biology, religion, and sports. These interests helped me communicate with people of different culture and ethnicity and to respect each and every individual as a whole. As I got older, I began fascinating about the difference in other countries and my country. I was curious to find out what gems of life, education, and culture other countries held. Fortunately, God heard my prayers and we moved to United States. I was ready to take my skills to further use them to become a better part of the new community and learn what it had to offer. I am confident that a diverse community of Rutgers will benefit from my open and accepting nature and help me hone my interests.

Being raised in an Indian family, my parents put special emphasis on following the teachings of my religion. I respected their feelings and further nurtured and committed myself to understand and become a part of spreading the beliefs of my religion. For the past 4 years I have been part of the Swaminarayan movement which is a Hindu belief to attain eternal bliss. I became a youth group leader of the Anoopam Mission organization which promotes this movement and I try my best to teach the younger youth understand the concepts and teachings of this Hindu heritage. I believe that my unique personality to accept any culture will promote a friendly environment at Rutgers and help it become a safer and more welcoming place for students. In return, Rutgers, being such a vibrant place will provide me with a platform to spread my beliefs with individuals who are just as curious.

My interest in my own culture and other cultures has driven my interest in music and sports. While in India I learned to play piano and drums to enhance my understanding of rhythm in different kinds of music such as rap, country,classical etc. I was also on a school cricket team which competed in the nationals. After moving to United States I grew a sense to protect the identity of my culture and spread its authenticity so I started learning tabla which is a membranophone percussion instrument.Within a year of intense learning, I professionally performed with my teacher on a grand scale. My hard work was awarded when my I could see my parents' eyes sparkle with pride. I believe that Rutgers will provide me with the opportunity to reignite that sparkle combined with my drive and determination to further explore my interests. To stay competitive and be involved in sports, I joined the track and field team in my high school. It provided me with an amazing experience in life that friends are the most important possession. I believe by coming to Rutgers I will definitely cherish all the relationships I form with the wide diversity of people and maintain it after college. I also want to create club that promotes and expresses the simplicity, yet authenticity of cultural music so I can bring the community of Rutgers together.

By becoming a leader in my religious organization I realized that I enjoyed helping people, whether it is to help understand a specific thing or even just a simple gesture such as opening a door for someone. Therefore I joined a local community volunteer organization which helped the community in several ways. I got involved in various types of services such as repairing or renovating senior homes, assisting in local community events. Therefore by nurturing this experience and combining it with my interest in science, I want to attend a medical school and pursue a career in the medical field.
anoopam   
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which do you prefer: do only what you already do well, or not. [2]

When you use use the word "you" and "your" alot it sounds like you are accusing the person. Try and use "we" "I" "us", so it sounds more personal. It will help engage the readers and make it sound more like your opinion.

Could you please help me with my rutgers essay?
anoopam   
Oct 14, 2013
Undergraduate / "Your son is itching to gain all the knowledge in the world"; Rutgers U [2]

This is the beginning of my essay. I am pretty confused about how I want to organize my thoughts and especially how I will connect my talents and abilites to benefit rutgers and how will I benefit from going to rutgers.

Please be as critical as you want :)
Does the essay flow well? any other suggestions? grammar?

Rutgers Prompt:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.

"Your son is itching to gain all the knowledge in the world. Remember that, "said my religious guru, to my parents when I was just 4 years of age. I have always been an active individual who looks forward to go through challenges and help other people in theirs. This trait has helped me immerse myself to help people of all age, race, and religion without any second thoughts and find what I want to do in my life. Therefore, a dynamic institution, such as Rutgers will allow me to challenge myself in many aspects of life and also permit me to help others do the same.

Out of the 17 years of my existence in this world, I lived in India for 13 years and have gained tremendous amount of knowledge about my culture as well other cultures and learned to appreciate them. After moving to United States, I was given a tremendous opportunity to explore the diversity in this country. Over the years, I have grown to accept and tolerate the customs of individuals who are not necessarily the same as I am and I believe that the growth of my mind will benefit Rutgers and make it a more welcoming place for people of different backgrounds and also help me become a more responsible citizen in the society.
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