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Posts by NiuWang
Name: Danny Chhoeun
Joined: Oct 14, 2013
Last Post: Oct 8, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
Likes: 1
From: United States of America
School: Merced High School

Displayed posts: 5
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NiuWang   
Oct 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'American dream' Writing a Synthesized Essay, tips, help, guidance or advice? [3]

I'm looking for tips to write a concise synthesized essay. The articles are "Chasing the American Dream" by Robert Rank et al and "What is the American Dream?" by Gus Speth. I need to summarize both articles as well as compare and contrast each others definition of the American Dream, then provide a stance (even if I disagree with both) and explain which I would prefer to be inherited upon future generations.

ESSAY COMPONENTS

- Summarize two texts.
- Provide examples from texts in three forms: quote, paraphrase, and summary.
- Cite your examples.
- Explain differences between the two texts.
- Argue for the best definition of the American Dream, and how to achieve it. This argument should
come from one of the two texts, though you may change or adapt it depending on whether or not you
totally agree with it.
- Format in MLA.
- Write for an "uninformed reader"

Introduction, I'm really not sure how I should go about introducing this because I've never synthesized two articles before. What i put was this:

The American Dream, an idealogy that people use to conjure a vivid image of life in the United Staes of America could be like. Where equal opportunities for success, economic prosperity, and freedom are often emphasized and promised to anyone, regardless of their heritage, background, or circumstance, [Thesis Statement Here] sadly we're not allowed to use a delayed thesis statement.

from here I lead onto the first Article

In What is the American Dream?, Speth emphasizes on the the three dueling dualities, the meaning of happiness, the path to prosperity, and the centrality of consumerism, to illustrate the American Dream. "A good place...perceived well-being". (3) Here he and discovered that economic growth and satisfaction no longer become linked once at a certain point in time, where he then moves on to find the importance of personal relationships to happiness. "The quality of people's social relationships is crucial to their well-being. People need supporting, positive relationships and social belonging to sustain well bing ... The need to belong, to have close and long-term relationships, is a fundamental human need...People need social bonds in commited relationships, not simply interactions with strangers, to experience well-being."

I need to incorporate quotes from the articles and cite them. This is where I'm stuck because truthfully I've had a hard time understanding the articles we've read everything so far has an implied thesis. Was that a good spot to insert a quote then voice my opinion? Is it alright to use an ellipsis in a College essay?

Another issue I have is understanding how to "unpack" a quote to support my statements / stance. The part that's killing me the most is "writing for an uninformed reader"... I've never done this before. Is there any live chat available or something? Other online resources that I can read to help me. This is just a rough draft and it's due in 3 days and I haven't even met the word count requirement because I've been struggling understanding this assingments requires and how to apply it.
NiuWang   
Oct 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bringing enjoyment. Movies take us to the world of imagination. [4]

Watching movies is some of a few activities that family members could enjoy together.
Some indicates many, while few indicates little. You should say, "one of the few" instead of "some of the few" since "watching movies" is one of the the activies that family members could enjoy.

You have quite a few grammar issues but nothing excessive really. It's the TOEFL so I'm pretty sure they'll let it slide but if you do want to correct those:

Something refers to one in particular while somethings is incorrect It should be some thing which means more than one (some) thing (plural - things).

For instance, a young boy will interest in some superhero movies, where ...
You don't need "some" in there. Here some implies many while movies implies many. Movies is sufficient enough get rid of "some".

interest should be interested

Or an old man, when he remembers some past memories, some history movies could help him.
Can be rephrased. Even though this is TOEFL, one thing in English is you want to avoid repetitive words. You use "movies" more often than not. You should find a synonym for the word movie such as "films".

Ex: Or if an elderly gentleman remembers something from his past, a historic film could help him.
You'll want to explain "how" it can help him, What about it will help him? Will it just help him reminisce?

Combine sentences for example the one at the top of this reply with this one:

More interesting, movies are likely to strengthen our relationship. Watching movies ...

Ex: Interestingly enough, movies are more likely to strengthen our relationships because it's an activity that our family members can enjoy with one another

Simple things like this you can work on, I've provided examples so now it's up to you to fix or improve them.
NiuWang   
Oct 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Human Cloning is the creation of a lab human or test tube baby! [5]

Now, this is a debate essay for my class which in turn will also become the foundation for my speech. I'm looking for constructive writing tips that'll help me improve this essay and possibly earn me a higher grade. The debates are school-wide so everyone has to participate, and I'm looking to counter almost any and all counter-arguments that may be made against me.

Please take a look at this unfinished rough draft of my Essay and instruct me promptly. There's no rubric provided for me by my instructor, which means I have to do everything by myself and hope for the best.


Danny Chhoeun
Kane, J
Economics/ Gov.
10 October 2013
Period 2-

Human Cloning: The Benefits to Medical Science & Society

Human Cloning is the creation of a lab human or test tube baby, maintaining the real genetics of that person during the process, thus making a genetically engineered copy of a real human in appearance and DNA. It has been the most controversial and debatable subject for years for the legality has been questioned many times. Proponents find it an outstanding innovation, constantly trying to legalize it, while the opposing party find it as another idea that plays with the law of nature. That is some question it from an ethical or religious aspect Arguments posed by anti-cloning activists are usually based with the foundation consisting of logical fallacies or red herrings that tie into religious teachings or ideas. I should inform you that the principles and meaning of human life are in no way, at risk whatsoever, and that there is zero correlation between this issue and religion at all aside from two religious groups, Raelian & Summum who consider cloning to be one of it's tenets. Human cloning should not be banned because it will enable society to weed out the undesirable anomalies, to provide more options for the infertile to have children, to have more successful transplants and surgeries, and to determine the evolutionary makeup of future Homo sapiens.

The average human is known to carry approximately eight defective genes that would enable them to become sick when they would otherwise remain healthy. According to the World Health Organization, "all human beings have at least two sets or copies of each gene called "allele"; one copy on each side of the chromosome pair. Recessive diseases are monogenic disorders that occur due to damage in both copies. Dominant diseases are monogenic disorders that involve damage to only one gene copy. X linked diseases are monogenic disorders that are linked to defective genes on the X chromosome, which is the sex chromosome. These alleles are expressed equally in men and women." On a more broad aspect, these defective genes generally lead to diseases such as Down's Syndrome and Tay-Sachs Disease. With our current technology, human cloning can reduce the likeliness of obtaining Down's Syndrome or Tay-Sachs Disease by ensuring that the child does not express these genes responsible for this disorder. Thus, allowing us to gain a better understanding of Human Genetics which in turn would lead to more potential breakthroughs in medical science.

Heart disease is the number one killer in the United States and several other industrialized countries. It has been discovered that embryonic stem cells can be grown to produce organs and tissues that can be used to replace or repair damaged ones. On July 4, 2013, Japanese scientists used human stem cells to create tiny human livers similar to those that arise in the fetal life. When the scientists transplanted rudimentary livers into mice, little organs grew, made human liver proteins, as well as metabolized drugs. Alongside that, earlier this year in April, little Hannah Warren, a 2-year old girl who was born without a trachea, is the first person ever to receive a bioengineered organ created from plastic fibers and human stem cells. Through human cloning, we will be able to gain a better understanding of the causes of miscarriages, thus enabling us to create prevention treatment for spontaneous abortions. It may also allow us to gain a better understanding of genetics and what leads to the creation of animal organs created a limitless supply of organs for those in need.. Of course, our opponents would disagree.

Placing a limit on human knowledge is entirely unreasonable and the only ones against this are practitioners of Christianity and Catholicism. The Popes influence on former President, Bill Clinton, led to his final decision on the banning of cloning, stating that "This is a line we dare not cross...". Frankly, this is not an act of "playing god", more so an unorthodox practice meant to help out mankind and society as a whole. Other arguments that anti-cloning activists may pose are, "A rise of clone soldiers created to form an army that'll take over the world" or "Human cloning will alter the gene pool." The possibility of cloning even alternating the gene pool is far lower than that of global travel, which has had a far greater effect on the gene pool than cloning ever could. Chances of a clone army rising to take over the world is entirely impossible due to the fact that the sheep clone in 1997 named Dolly only lived to be 7 years old, when the average life expectancy of a sheep is at least 10 to 12 years. 」

Things I'm looking to improve:
- Shorter thesis that doesn't layout the whole essay.
- Quick concise points in each paragraph.
- Punctuation and Grammar fixations/improvements.
- Other helpful writing tips.
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