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Posts by wolflover60
Name: Barbara Henderson
Joined: Oct 29, 2013
Last Post: Dec 29, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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wolflover60   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Liberty, Fraternity, Equality - CommonApp Essay Prompt 3 [3]

I like the message of your essay, however, for a common app essay I don't really get a sense of "you". Like the commenter above, the essay is a bit confusing. I think you talk more about other people than yourself. For example this entire paragraph, I learn more about the problems in your country, but I don't learn about your feelings and personality.

What's the difference between bullets and firecrackers - both are equally common here", said Shah Arusha, one of the five students selected for Voices from the Valley,as we stood inside Srinagar's Jamia Masjid while Eid celebrations continued outside .(This might be confusing for someone not for your country. Also I would only use a quote to start a paragraph if it was the first paragraph. Starting with a quote makes this paragraph unclear) Her words echoed the sentiments of pain, loss and outrage that I heard from over a hundred students in three different schools across the region. Theirs was a tale of democracy denied, for in Kashmir the civil liberties I'd learned to take for granted were severely constrained by militancy and counter-insurgency. For instance, in Baramullah, it was only the guise of a tourist that allowed me to get past an Army checkpoint to reach the interiors of Kashmir but restrictions on the freedom of the press prevented me from reporting the stories which I heard there - like those of the old man from Patan who showed me scars left behind by alleged third degree torture.

I think some parts of this essay are unclear or unnecessary. I do believe it's important to talk about your accomplishments with spreading awareness, but you should make the essay more personal.

I hope i helped
Thanks for your feedback on my essay btw.
wolflover60   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / what matters to me and why: creating change through writing [4]

Please let me know if it's too unclear for the prompt or if it's too cliche. Thanks

Through my community service experiences, I've seen the faces of people that have unexpectedly lost their jobs, people who are riddled with disease rendering them useless in the eyes of society, people who have been the victims of violence and heartbreak. Feeling powerless to the suffering in the world, I retreat to the comfort of my notebook and create worlds where people don't die because they couldn't afford medicine, where planes don't crash into towers, and women aren't abused by their husbands.

I cannot control what happens in the world, but I control the words that flow from my ideas and emotions onto the paper. My creativity shines through my writing as I vary sentence structure and word choice, making each sentence as unique as the people who read them. I write to share the stories of those that have risen from their troubled past and reinvented their life. I write so that my words escape the confines of paper and reach into the minds of others. Writing allows me to build a connection that knows no boundaries and can reach across the world. I share my writing so that one day when I pick up the newspaper I'll read about progress and survival and people will focus on the promise of a better future rather than the mistakes of the past. Writing matters to me because it holds the key to sharing knowledge, dreams, and ideas that will change the world.
wolflover60   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / Combination of values - William and Mary supplement essay; Uniqueness [4]

Everyone has something that makes him or her extraordinary.For me, I also have a myriad of things that distinguish me from others, from my personal background to my obsession over organization, but .However, none of them alone can provide a satisfying description of who I really am.

I can easily say I'm unique because of my personal background. Although I lived in the United States for almost eight years, I grew up in Korea with my grandmother for eleven years. During my childhood, I learned about traditional rituals and ceremonies such as ,that people at my age wouldn't possibly learn from their parents. Influenced by the two different cultures that seem quite different , my perspective encompasses the uniqueness of them and allow me to view the world with more magnanimity.

I could also say I'm unique because I have a delicate heart that can't reject a favor. It's truly hard for me to reject people's request for help, sometimes to a fault. I've been raised to always help others and contribute my talent to people those are in need. I find satisfaction and pride in helping others and sometimes I look around to see if I can get involved and help others.this paragraph seems very repetitive and you don't give any specific examples of how you help others

I also could call myself idiosyncratic because of my obsession over organization when it comes to my room, my only private place in the world that I can truly show my uniqueness. Decorated with different paints and a myriad of colorful post-its, my room represents the way I view the world around me. The way I organize my room always clashes with my mother's standards, but we learned to accept that everyone has the right to express his or her identity in their room.

I could call myself colorful because I've traveled toquite a lot ofmany countries and learned to value the different cultures. I've been to Japan, China, Mexico, Philippines, and France and learned each country's important values and traditions. At first I thought people in the world are like me and my family, that they all have the same values and cultures they consider most important. After travelling I learned I was completely blinded and each country was extraordinary in its own way. The discovery I made during the travel helped me to interact with others in the school and community because I could connect to others from different countries without any prejudice.

Finally, I can say I'm unique because I have a special leadership that comes out when people are organizing events. I try to actively participate in planning events and often times I take control of it, guiding others to successfully organize an event.

These all can describe who I am and how different I am from everyone, but each one of the characteristics can't truly express my uniqueness. Anyone can be from a different country. Anyone can have a heart to help others and take a role as a leader. Anyone can travel to different countries. It's the combination of these values that truly defines me as unique and distinctive individual. Without looking at the whole picture, it's hard to find who I am.

wolflover60   
Oct 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I'm introverted - shy, often quiet in class, and like to be alone [2]

I know that my opinion goes unnoticed by most, but when a teacher cares about their students and wants to see them succeed, it is one of the most important things in my life and I am grateful to have some if not the best teachers who understand how important it is to ask for my opinion and get me involved in the communication in the classroom since I am such a quiet person.

This is a really long sentence that seems to ramble on. I think you could split it into a couple of sentences to make your point more clear.

Also I don't think you should start your essay with the restatement of the prompt. Try to creatively introduce the subject rather than using the same wording as the prompt.

It is to me feel important,

I don't know what you're trying to say here.

I would also look over the grammar for the essay. You're missing a lot of commas and I think you should vary the sentence structure more.
wolflover60   
Oct 29, 2013
Undergraduate / UVA supplement. "A Society without Love". suprised, unsettled, challenged [3]

Hi. Here's my response to the prompt: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

I'm not sure if I talk about my feelings enough or if it sounds too much like a review. Any help is greatly appreciated as it's still a rough draft.

One of the most interesting books I have read was The Giver. This dystopian novel features a society where there is no poverty, sickness, unemployment, or crime. It seemed like a "perfect" world where war, disease, and suffering have all been eradicated. The Community strives for "sameness," in which everyone's house, behavior, and belongings are the same and equal. The people have no worries or cares, yet I felt that they were giving up their humanity in order to live in a stable society. While reading the book, it was impossible for me to imagine, a society without choices, colors, weather, or even love.

It bothered me that no one in the society was aware of anything other than what they had been used to. I wished I could tell them all that they were missing. I stopped reading sometimes, for a minute, to look around me and enjoy the colors, the music and the ability to be aware of my emotions. I am grateful to have the freedom of choice in my society. When I reflect on the frequently occurring topics in the news of struggling economies, families facing the consequences of unemployment, and civil unrest within countries, I must debate if it is all worth it. Is it worth giving up the experiences of feeling the sun warm your face, falling in love, and exploring your passions in order to live in a carefree world without any problems.
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