wolflover60
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Liberty, Fraternity, Equality - CommonApp Essay Prompt 3 [3]
I like the message of your essay, however, for a common app essay I don't really get a sense of "you". Like the commenter above, the essay is a bit confusing. I think you talk more about other people than yourself. For example this entire paragraph, I learn more about the problems in your country, but I don't learn about your feelings and personality.
I think some parts of this essay are unclear or unnecessary. I do believe it's important to talk about your accomplishments with spreading awareness, but you should make the essay more personal.
I hope i helped
Thanks for your feedback on my essay btw.
I like the message of your essay, however, for a common app essay I don't really get a sense of "you". Like the commenter above, the essay is a bit confusing. I think you talk more about other people than yourself. For example this entire paragraph, I learn more about the problems in your country, but I don't learn about your feelings and personality.
What's the difference between bullets and firecrackers - both are equally common here", said Shah Arusha, one of the five students selected for Voices from the Valley,as we stood inside Srinagar's Jamia Masjid while Eid celebrations continued outside .(This might be confusing for someone not for your country. Also I would only use a quote to start a paragraph if it was the first paragraph. Starting with a quote makes this paragraph unclear) Her words echoed the sentiments of pain, loss and outrage that I heard from over a hundred students in three different schools across the region. Theirs was a tale of democracy denied, for in Kashmir the civil liberties I'd learned to take for granted were severely constrained by militancy and counter-insurgency. For instance, in Baramullah, it was only the guise of a tourist that allowed me to get past an Army checkpoint to reach the interiors of Kashmir but restrictions on the freedom of the press prevented me from reporting the stories which I heard there - like those of the old man from Patan who showed me scars left behind by alleged third degree torture.
I think some parts of this essay are unclear or unnecessary. I do believe it's important to talk about your accomplishments with spreading awareness, but you should make the essay more personal.
I hope i helped
Thanks for your feedback on my essay btw.