I really think your essay needs more revising, and a clearer structure, because I think you idea somehow gets lost in the process.
Influenced by the two vastly different cultures, my perspective encompasses their uniqueness, and allows me to view the world with more magnanimity.
Also, I am not sure whether the words 'encompass' and 'magnanimity' are the best fit. You might want to get other opinions on that, though.
but we learned to accept that everyone has the right to express his or her own identity.
Again, the idea is not very clearly presented. You could try focusing more on the different identities part, the beauty of diversity within your family.
Your starting point is really strong! It is an excellent idea to discuss the differences between your Korean side, and the American one, and how they all come together to make you unique. You just need to restructure it a bit. I think you can make a really good essay! Best of luck!