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Combination of values - William and Mary supplement essay; Uniqueness

jsh0011 3 / 6 2  
Dec 27, 2013   #1
Prompt: Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful?
I don't know if I should rewrite the whole essay since it seems too boring and dull. Please criticize. Thank you!
wnsgud4030 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2013   #2
Overall, I enjoyed reading your essay.

But there are few things I want to point out to you.

This might be trite saying but try to "show" what you want to say in this essay.
You are telling rather than showing.

Another thing I want to mention is that most of your paragraphs start with "I say, I could, I think and etc"
Why don't you try using different transitions to make your essay more colorful?

However, your essay is fairly well organized without any grammatical errors.

Good luck! I hope this helps.
wolflover60 2 / 4  
Dec 27, 2013   #3
Everyone has something that makes him or her extraordinary.For me, I also have a myriad of things that distinguish me from others, from my personal background to my obsession over organization, but .However, none of them alone can provide a satisfying description of who I really am.

I can easily say I'm unique because of my personal background. Although I lived in the United States for almost eight years, I grew up in Korea with my grandmother for eleven years. During my childhood, I learned about traditional rituals and ceremonies such as ,that people at my age wouldn't possibly learn from their parents. Influenced by the two different cultures that seem quite different , my perspective encompasses the uniqueness of them and allow me to view the world with more magnanimity.

I could also say I'm unique because I have a delicate heart that can't reject a favor. It's truly hard for me to reject people's request for help, sometimes to a fault. I've been raised to always help others and contribute my talent to people those are in need. I find satisfaction and pride in helping others and sometimes I look around to see if I can get involved and help others.this paragraph seems very repetitive and you don't give any specific examples of how you help others

I also could call myself idiosyncratic because of my obsession over organization when it comes to my room, my only private place in the world that I can truly show my uniqueness. Decorated with different paints and a myriad of colorful post-its, my room represents the way I view the world around me. The way I organize my room always clashes with my mother's standards, but we learned to accept that everyone has the right to express his or her identity in their room.

I could call myself colorful because I've traveled toquite a lot ofmany countries and learned to value the different cultures. I've been to Japan, China, Mexico, Philippines, and France and learned each country's important values and traditions. At first I thought people in the world are like me and my family, that they all have the same values and cultures they consider most important. After travelling I learned I was completely blinded and each country was extraordinary in its own way. The discovery I made during the travel helped me to interact with others in the school and community because I could connect to others from different countries without any prejudice.

Finally, I can say I'm unique because I have a special leadership that comes out when people are organizing events. I try to actively participate in planning events and often times I take control of it, guiding others to successfully organize an event.

These all can describe who I am and how different I am from everyone, but each one of the characteristics can't truly express my uniqueness. Anyone can be from a different country. Anyone can have a heart to help others and take a role as a leader. Anyone can travel to different countries. It's the combination of these values that truly defines me as unique and distinctive individual. Without looking at the whole picture, it's hard to find who I am.
iPreo 3 / 9 1  
Dec 28, 2013   #4
I really think your essay needs more revising, and a clearer structure, because I think you idea somehow gets lost in the process.

Influenced by the two vastly different cultures, my perspective encompasses their uniqueness, and allows me to view the world with more magnanimity.

Also, I am not sure whether the words 'encompass' and 'magnanimity' are the best fit. You might want to get other opinions on that, though.

but we learned to accept that everyone has the right to express his or her own identity.

Again, the idea is not very clearly presented. You could try focusing more on the different identities part, the beauty of diversity within your family.

Your starting point is really strong! It is an excellent idea to discuss the differences between your Korean side, and the American one, and how they all come together to make you unique. You just need to restructure it a bit. I think you can make a really good essay! Best of luck!

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