Notoman
Jul 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]
It is well written. It has nice flow, strong verbs, and your word choices make sense.
I would add the words in Vietnam after rural village because it gives the reader a better mental image of your experiences with health care in a remote area. As it stands, the reader might conjure images of a wind-swept farm in North Dakota or a backwater bayou of Louisiana. The word in Vietnam tell the reader just a little bit more about yourself.
I would take out the word ill before patients. Patients need preventative, prenatal, on-going, and well care in addition to treatment when they are ill. Even if this program focuses on ill patients, the word is better off omitted.
You talk about growing up in a rural village and about providing health care in a program serving rural America, but then you say you want to serve all socioeconomic classes. Is the program designed to reach low-income people in rural areas or all income levels in remote locations? Throwing socioeconomic in there might confuse the reader. The mission of the program is to develop doctors to serve remote areas and I'd stick to that and omit any reference to socioeconomic status.
I'd take out the part about devoted classmates. Sure, working alongside classmates can be exciting, but that is not why you are applying for this program. You are applying because you want to glean knowledge from the experienced physicians on the Bassett Healthcare team and serve the rural community of Cooperstown. I am thinking that you ought to spell out New York here. It is more formal that way.
Did you see this press release on the program you are applying for? (Yes, I am a geek like that and wanted to learn more about the particular program).
cumc.columbia.edu/news/press_releases/090511ColumbiaBassett. html
At one point it says that they are particularly interested in candidates that come from rural areas (because they are more likely to serve in rural areas after their training). It also talks about how the "longitudinal care" of patients is very different from traditional training that provides more of a "snapshot" than the big picture. I would play up this unique aspect of the program. Show that you really understand what kind of program this is and how it fits with your future goals. Speaking of which, if you want a future working in a rural or remote area, state it!
Liebe has some good advice. Tell Columbia what they want to hear about YOU. Why does this program hold interest for you? How can you fulfill the program's desire to recruit people from rural backgrounds and train doctors to serve the future needs of remote areas? I see Libe's point about the word boundless. What if you changed it to accessible or accessible to all? Money isn't the only issue in availability of health care and the focus of this particular program is on rural care.
Please let us know when you get accepted! Your essays have provided me with a little insight into your life and I am interested in the outcome.
It is well written. It has nice flow, strong verbs, and your word choices make sense.
I would add the words in Vietnam after rural village because it gives the reader a better mental image of your experiences with health care in a remote area. As it stands, the reader might conjure images of a wind-swept farm in North Dakota or a backwater bayou of Louisiana. The word in Vietnam tell the reader just a little bit more about yourself.
I would take out the word ill before patients. Patients need preventative, prenatal, on-going, and well care in addition to treatment when they are ill. Even if this program focuses on ill patients, the word is better off omitted.
You talk about growing up in a rural village and about providing health care in a program serving rural America, but then you say you want to serve all socioeconomic classes. Is the program designed to reach low-income people in rural areas or all income levels in remote locations? Throwing socioeconomic in there might confuse the reader. The mission of the program is to develop doctors to serve remote areas and I'd stick to that and omit any reference to socioeconomic status.
I'm very excited by the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.
I'd take out the part about devoted classmates. Sure, working alongside classmates can be exciting, but that is not why you are applying for this program. You are applying because you want to glean knowledge from the experienced physicians on the Bassett Healthcare team and serve the rural community of Cooperstown. I am thinking that you ought to spell out New York here. It is more formal that way.
Did you see this press release on the program you are applying for? (Yes, I am a geek like that and wanted to learn more about the particular program).
cumc.columbia.edu/news/press_releases/090511ColumbiaBassett. html
At one point it says that they are particularly interested in candidates that come from rural areas (because they are more likely to serve in rural areas after their training). It also talks about how the "longitudinal care" of patients is very different from traditional training that provides more of a "snapshot" than the big picture. I would play up this unique aspect of the program. Show that you really understand what kind of program this is and how it fits with your future goals. Speaking of which, if you want a future working in a rural or remote area, state it!
Liebe has some good advice. Tell Columbia what they want to hear about YOU. Why does this program hold interest for you? How can you fulfill the program's desire to recruit people from rural backgrounds and train doctors to serve the future needs of remote areas? I see Libe's point about the word boundless. What if you changed it to accessible or accessible to all? Money isn't the only issue in availability of health care and the focus of this particular program is on rural care.
Please let us know when you get accepted! Your essays have provided me with a little insight into your life and I am interested in the outcome.