Writing Feedback / 'Taxpayer, employer and individual' - IELTS Writing : Cambridge 1 : Practice 1 [5]

I am practicing my writing skill to prepare IELTS test. For your comments and corrections I would be very thankful
Please check it about grammar and anything else. Last,it may be best if you can guess brand of ielts<1-9>.

question : photo at below
My essay ..

The bar chart illustrates the percentages of adults who have a reason why they determine to study, with another
pie chart providing the percentage of people who think how the cost of adult education should be distributed.
It is noticeable that many adults who determine to study because they interest in subject around 40%. Besides
there are 38% of adults who explain that they want to gain qualifications. While other reasons are helpful for current
job , upgrade prospects of promotion and anything else ,a few adults claim that is because of meeting people and
being able to change jobs around 9% and 12% respectively.
As can be seen, the cost of each course should be distributed in three ways -Taxpayer, employer and individual
with the different proportion. At the most percentage, 40%,the cost should be portioned to Individual. In contrast,
the number of percentage that the cost should be distributed to Taxpayer is around 25%
Overall, Adults who want to study have a vast array of reasons with proper of distributed cost proportions.

thank you :)

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