Xenocidel
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Significant Challenge, and your response to it; 'dream of becoming a pianist' [2]
I like your first sentence, very clear in letting the reader know your aspirations. Even if its not part of the prompt, its nice for the reader to see that you're more than grades on a transcript. Your story is more "telling," and less "showing." Maybe focus in on a certain event (like getting the 85% on the exam?), and describe how you felt and how it changed you in more detail.
You may want to talk more about yourself, and less about others, since you only have 250 words. Although, if you can really spin it, go for it. (How has their wasted hard work affected/motivated you?)
Avoid using the second person in formal essays in most cases. Should probably replace with "one," or similar.
Good job and good luck!
I like your first sentence, very clear in letting the reader know your aspirations. Even if its not part of the prompt, its nice for the reader to see that you're more than grades on a transcript. Your story is more "telling," and less "showing." Maybe focus in on a certain event (like getting the 85% on the exam?), and describe how you felt and how it changed you in more detail.
Many of my cousins graduated high school with a grade 8 or 9 piano, but once they started to attend university, they stopped playing it, letting all those years of hard work go to waste.
You may want to talk more about yourself, and less about others, since you only have 250 words. Although, if you can really spin it, go for it. (How has their wasted hard work affected/motivated you?)
you can achieve your goals and dreams, even though you are far behind from others in your skills.
Avoid using the second person in formal essays in most cases. Should probably replace with "one," or similar.
Good job and good luck!