akfergus
Dec 21, 2013
Undergraduate / Childhood obesity numbers are increasing; Childhood Obesity Research Paper [4]
This paper is so far pretty good. However, I would not include the part about the genetics/race. This section was off topic and did not contribute to the overall effect of the paper. I think that you would benefit from reevaluating whether or not this is important to the essay. Your research was pretty accurate and all helped support what you were saying. I would move the fourth paragraph about the second so that the order makes more sense. Also, you need to check your organization within the paragraphs. I think that you ramble a few times, so re-read the essay out loud so you hear your words instead of just reading them. You did a great job so far! keep it up! good luck and hope this helps!
This paper is so far pretty good. However, I would not include the part about the genetics/race. This section was off topic and did not contribute to the overall effect of the paper. I think that you would benefit from reevaluating whether or not this is important to the essay. Your research was pretty accurate and all helped support what you were saying. I would move the fourth paragraph about the second so that the order makes more sense. Also, you need to check your organization within the paragraphs. I think that you ramble a few times, so re-read the essay out loud so you hear your words instead of just reading them. You did a great job so far! keep it up! good luck and hope this helps!
