Undergraduate / Facebook status and women in shock - Common App Personal Statement [3]

You don't need to say "the color that describes darkness" because it's slightly distracting. I wouldn't mention the gold watch right there. It breaks up the repetition of black. Perhaps later on in the introduction, after the theme of black has been fully established. This first paragraph was captivating, it REALLY sucked me in. It's so compelling.

I apologize in advance if any of my comments come off as offensive.

I think that instead of focusing on the actual events of your family members' deaths (OMG I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO INSENSITIVE I can't find any other way to word this) you should go more into depth regarding the three specific lessons they have taught you early on and then re-emphasize it in your conclusion. This'll bring the focus of the essay back to you and show what kind of person you are today, not just who you were when you lost your loved ones.

Try reading your essay out loud, there are a couple of minor typos here and there.

This was a very raw, very real and emotional piece of work. I seriously feel like bawling right now, it's that powerful. Fantastic work!

I am so sorry for your losses, I hope you're doing alright today. I don't know what to say, but I really hope you get into your colleges. You deserve it.

Undergraduate / The island greets me with a gush of the warm Caribbean air; Perfectly content [2]

Hmm, I would definitely not use "responsibilities" throughout your essay. You come across as sort of lazy and it seems like you're trapped in this fantastical paradise where you can ignore your commitments. If you used another word, maybe just replace responsibility with stress (but explain what kind of stress, don't talk about bailing on homework but maybe avoiding unnecessary high school drama) then it wouldn't seem like such a bad thing. I think you need to discuss why your life is overwhelming in the first place, because right now it sounds like you haven't just let go of your responsibilities in Barbados, it sounds like you've let go of them entirely. It could work if you reword the sentence about how "whenever your responsibilities of New York drift to the surface of your mind" to emphasize how it fills you with panic and Barbados keeps you calm.

Instead of focusing on the physical aspects of Barbados like the scenery and swimming with the fish, you might want to incorporate rather the memories of the time you spent there and state that that is why you feel content there. It would be a very nice play to say that memories of family time at Barbados keep you sane in spite of all the stressful things in New York. Instead of saying that you leave your worries behind, it'd be a cool twist to instead mention how you bring the serenity of Barbados with you no matter where you are.

Your last paragraph is slightly confusing and I think you need to elaborate on what the small and large responsibilities are. Instead of "it is necessary" you could say "I am reminded".

At the end, I'm still sort of confused as to why Barbados. Why isn't your place of contentment another beach? Why is it different from a spa in New York? Try highlighting a few differences between Barbados and New York further, it may help.

I think your essay needs to focus more on you. I feel like I've been to Barbados myself and met your cousins and had dinner at your Grandma's, but I still have no idea who you are, your personality, what's unique about you, etc. It's a personal statement and it needs to be personal so that colleges know that you're right for them.

Try reading your essay out loud, it helps to catch repetitive words and ideas. Good work, you're well on your way! :)

Undergraduate / 'Beyond the walls of my safe haven..' Chinatown restaurant - CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]

Your introduction is very captivating with the vivid imagery. I could actually picture your neighborhood. I think it introduces the theme of chaos throughout your essay, but as a reader, I wish you incorporated it more later on because it doesn't seem to fit your story except to state that you grew up in an unfriendly part of New York. Since your essay is mostly about your parent's sacrifice, you might want to focus on the chaos in the kitchen rather than at home.

I don't know if you realize it, but you say "thus" a lot and it isn't always necessary to your sentence structure.

I'm no college expert, but are you sure that your lack of a social life and extracurriculars is really something you want to highlight? Is it really the most defining aspect of your identity? There must be more to your personality than just focusing on work and school. The fact that you haven't participated in anything else gives a negative vibe about your character.

If this is what you want to showcase, I think your essay would be significantly improved if you focused more on how you plan to direct yourself in the future. It could work, but I suggest you build up your paragraph about working hard in college to make your argument convincing enough to counteract that negative vibe. Majority of your essay was about your stressful life (which is kinda repetitive) rather than about you as a person. As of now, all I know about you is that you grew up with a hard life and your high school experience suffered because of it which is why you'll make college count. You might want to concentrate on the character growth you experienced instead.

Overall, it was a well written essay and I was hooked by your intro. It could have been a book. I wish I got a further look into that dangerous life and how it affected you. Best of luck!