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Posts by travisl
Name: Laura Travis
Joined: Jan 12, 2014
Last Post: Jan 13, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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travisl   
Jan 13, 2014
Undergraduate / Facing the unknown is difficult; How Never Fear Change applies to me! [6]

Thanks for your thoughts! I was so ready to be done just a few minutes before you replied so I submitted it (oops). I kept what I wrote for both but I wish I changed what you said, oh well. But now all my college applications are done and I'm happy anyways (:
travisl   
Jan 13, 2014
Undergraduate / Facing the unknown is difficult; How Never Fear Change applies to me! [6]

dumi,
First of all, thank you!
Which line exactly do you mean that doesn't fit the rest?
If I added something like At first, I thought the change from my normal style to this type of rappelling was beyond my abilities, but once I experienced it, I knew I could handle unforeseen challenges. would that help clarify how I feared the change but I surpassed it?
travisl   
Jan 13, 2014
Undergraduate / Facing the unknown is difficult; How Never Fear Change applies to me! [6]

Can anyone please look over my essay? I don't think it's very strong but it's all I have. Thanks ahead of time!

Currently it is at 310 words. Also the deadline is very soon so any advice would be much appreciated.

Topic: The expression "never fear / change" can be interpreted many ways. How might it apply to your life? (250-400 words)

Facing the unknown is difficult.
When I stepped onto the edge, my heart was racing. The words of encouragement coming from my peers and advisor did nothing for me. I kicked a small rock into the "keyhole" and waited for the splash, but it never came. As I looked to the pool below, I grasped my rope tight and shakily said "I'm ready."

While I had rappelled many times before, this was unlike any other. I was on Caravan my freshman year in Paria Canyon, UT, where my canyoneering group and I were to rappel over a hundred feet into a pool of water ten feet deep. My first instinct was to be afraid. It wasn't because I didn't trust myself, nor was it the height. It was the sheer fact that I had never done what I was about to do.

Not long into the rappel, my fear turned to excitement and the whole experience was exhilarating. I felt like I was flying and the daunting water below became a cool, refreshing relief from the heat of the day. It seemed ridiculous that only a few seconds before I was terrified to leave the safety of the ledge above.

I've used my realization in Paria Canyon as a motivation to go out on a limb, even if I'm not sure what the results will be. I cannot say that I've never feared new experiences again, but I can say that I've had a new outlook on them. The quote "never fear / change" tells me to never be afraid of what the future may hold. Change is the one aspect of life that will always occur and can never be avoided. Overall, my best memories are those when I went out of my way to face my fears, instead of letting them overcome me and I'll never regret that.
travisl   
Jan 12, 2014
Undergraduate / My mother always spoke to me about her childhood ; Long/Short term goals/Hispanic heritage [4]

Like many Hispanics in the late nineteenth century my mother

"..nineteenth century comma ..."

farmer's fields

farmers' fields maybe?

All the stories my mother has told me, have made me appreciate her and my Hispanic heritage even more

"...my mother [delete has] told me have made me..."

proud. With out their

without is one word

mind is, me as a child

I don't think you need a comma here..maybe...

As of now I am still

I do think you need a comma after now

Overall, I think this is really good! I like how you tie physics to your background. Hope I helped.
travisl   
Jan 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / Shakespeare's Social Critique in Much Ado About Nothing - Hero Character Analysis Essay [2]

PeteSkizzle

They are essentially manipulating two people into falling on love and marrying

falling in love.

Another important criticism Shakespeare makes is how society is superficial and materialistic through the actions and words of Hero, an ideal young woman in their standards, who is modest and obedient, yet in part because of society's expectations of women, caught up in society's flaws of superficiality and materialism

seems a bit run-on

Through Much Ado About Nothing Shakespeare

"...Much Ado About Nothing , Shakespeare..."

I think this is a great essay. I've never read/seen the play but you make some very insightful remarks about Hero and Shakespeare's critiques on society.
travisl   
Jan 12, 2014
Undergraduate / 'beautiful hill town of Darjeeling' - Boarding School essay [2]

I think your first paragraph is good. It sets the scene and time of your essay.
However, your second paragraph needs a little work.

Darjeeling is the place where I as a six year old, learned how to cope with loneliness, homesickness and living amongst different people. Going away from home at the age of six and

... At both the end of your first paragraph, and these two sentences you repeat at the age of six or when you were six. I'd say you don't need the second two but definitely get rid of the last one. I'd say "...Living away from my parents at a young age was very lonely and every night I would weep quietly under my blankets for my mom and dad.

You also do something similar with the word lonely or loneliness. You should try to find a different word or rephrase it in a few places.

Honestly, I wasn't good at making friends because I was too reserved to talk to anybody and shunned myself from everybody around me, except for one of my classmate who always stuck by me and gave me company, even though I didn't talk much and wasn't fun to hang out with.

I'd put this in a different way... maybe something like "I was never good at making friends. Being reserved and shy, I tended to shun myself from my peers. However, one classmate persisted and stuck by me, even if I didn't do the same for him..." What you have is a good thought, but the wording is a bit too critical of yourself and awkward.

Once during sports day, I was competing for my house in pop the balloon and because of me my house lost, and I was really down and crying in a corner, when he came and consoled me.

A bit confusing on what you mean. While competing in a sports competition, I felt that I was at fault for letting my team down, but it was my friend who helped me recover from my guilt?

Paragraph 3:

Aside from holding many of my childhood memories

isn't meeting your friend a childhood memory?

because I can't seem to remember their names.

this isn't necessary.

Even though I might not be able to see them again, I will always keep the times we spent together in my heart and never forget them because those were really one of my happiest moments in my life and when I think about Darjeeling I will think about the happy times we spent together.

Try breaking this sentence into two or even three. It's run on at the moment.

With a little improvement and revision this can be a really thoughtful essay. Good job.
travisl   
Jan 12, 2014
Undergraduate / 'an experience between personal freedom...' Haverford Honor Code Essay [4]

If anyone can give me some feedback on essay it'd be much appreciated! This is still a draft and any input would be great. Thanks!

Prompt: Write about an experience in which you encountered a tension between personal freedom and community standards. Discuss the experience and the underlying issues, how you dealt with the tension, and whether or not there was a satisfactory resolution.

Living at a school with only a hundred students, reliance on trust and understanding is essential to the wellbeing, comfort, and sense of community that exists at Orme. While this trust is normally present, social expectations should be made clear. The Orme Honor Code is very ambiguous. It has a straightforward don't "lie, cheat, or steal" policy, and though this may cover basic guidelines, a more thorough code, like Haverford's, would greatly benefit my school. Trust is quintessential to a healthy living environment and, when it is breached, change must occur.

Starting out this year, I decided to board at school five days a week. This was my first time living in an environment with only other students besides summer camps. I expected all my peers to be as respectful of my personal property as I am of theirs. Towards Thanksgiving break, I noticed some of my favorite makeup was missing. While I wasn't sure what had happened, I had a feeling that it had been taken at school, as it was not at either of my parents' houses. It felt wrong to accuse anyone of the theft without proof and so the incident went unnoticed for a few weeks.

One day, when I went to a friend's room to ask about homework, I found almost all of my missing items on her roommate's dresser. Instantly, I was more disappointed than relieved. My suspicions were confirmed and I felt that my entrusting nature had been violated. Over the course of a week, the Headmaster and Student Life Coordinate looked into the case of my, and another student's, allegations with this girl. In conclusion, the girl in violation received permanent "separation from the community1."

Though action was taken to correct the student's infractions, my school did not make it known or discussed the effects of stealing with the student body as a whole. I feel the lack of presence of the Honor Code could have been a partial cause the girl's wrong doings. With how explicit the Honor Code is at Haverford, the community knows exactly what's expected and the consequences for violation. It is an environment where I'll be able to trust my fellow students in a way that I have not been able to at Orme. The pledge every student takes and the depth of the Code is vital in retaining the strong sense of community Haverford is known for.

In high school, the reigning decisions are made by top administration without input from students. In this case I would uphold their decision, but there have been infractions in the past where punishments do not fit the crimes. An Honor Council might've made the same decision, but it would have arisen by input from diverse perspectives, instead of a couple of authoritative figures.

To me, Haverford's Honor Code invokes a sense of freedom and maturity knowing that everyone has pledged to follow it. Problems may arise, but there are specific procedures to resolve them. This type of code should be as important at the high school level as it is at Haverford. There isn't an age limit to start respecting others and ones morals. I'm ready to belong to a community that emphasizes living, learning, and socializing in respectful ways.

1. Section 3.04 Responsibilities, Haverford College Honor Code
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